I don't know, Daozhang. I don't know. [Huaisang presses his face into Xingchen's hair, scared of losing him, guilty about hurting him, terrified that his own carelessness will mean Xingchen's death--or Xue Yang's. He'd been on edge since he met Xue Yang, even though his feelings for Xue Yang had deepened so much, and yet there'd always been the question of whether this was really something that could work.
He'd managed to resist asking, before this, how it was that Xingchen could love Xue Yang.
[ Something in him goes still at the withdrawal. The tremors fade and he doesn't respond to the feel of Huaisang's tighter hold.
Doesn't matter.
Xingchen braces himself before pressing one more kiss to his lover's shoulder, then gently lifts him from his lap, setting him aside. ]
I do not know either.
[ He sounds tired, and knows it, as he stands. He keeps his eyes closed as he reaches into his sleeve to pull out his blindfold, setting it back in place around his head. ]
[Huaisang doesn't try to hold him. He'd been braced for this since he first set down his hot chocolate--now cold and congealed. He stays where he's put and keeps his mouth shut.
He doesn't know if this is a rejection. He doesn't know if he'll ever see Xingchen again. Either of them, depending on how their confrontation goes.
He knows he doesn't have any right to stop him.
Retreating to his bedroom, he curls up under the covers and weeps.]
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Xingchen's fingers flex where they rest at Huaisang's waist. Loose, tight. Clinging. Trying to will himself to let go.
Conflicted. Even in just whether he will stay curled up with his lover. ]
Huaisang...You see...a lot more than I ever could...
There is so much I do not understand...
I do not even know what to ask.
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He'd managed to resist asking, before this, how it was that Xingchen could love Xue Yang.
He should have let it go. He should have lied.]
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Doesn't matter.
Xingchen braces himself before pressing one more kiss to his lover's shoulder, then gently lifts him from his lap, setting him aside. ]
I do not know either.
[ He sounds tired, and knows it, as he stands. He keeps his eyes closed as he reaches into his sleeve to pull out his blindfold, setting it back in place around his head. ]
Good night, Huaisang.
[ He heads for the door to leave for the night. ]
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He doesn't know if this is a rejection. He doesn't know if he'll ever see Xingchen again. Either of them, depending on how their confrontation goes.
He knows he doesn't have any right to stop him.
Retreating to his bedroom, he curls up under the covers and weeps.]