There's a long pause as he keeps on petting Meng Yao's hair, just holding him and letting the shards of his own past shift in his heart, cutting the wounds anew but perhaps settling finally letting the old wounds scar over and begin to heal.
"Morality is a complicated thing," Huaisang says at last. "You and I know this better than most. Every day I held court there were issues without clear, fair, easy solutions. Law conflicting with justice, conflicting with mercy, conflicting with filial piety. People like da ge and er ge, paragons of justice and honesty, but the honesty and strict lawfulness within the hearts meant they could never see the injustice around them, even when it was directly under their nose. Filial piety can require you to steal and murder, to use people like pawns, to break every dictum of law and morality. Filial piety to one parent can even require impiety to the other parent. And in the pursuit of filial piety, of trying to achieve the one thing that a mother desired above all else, the only way her spirit would find peace, it could lead one to feel as though one had no choice but to commit the worst of crimes. You know full well that there's no crime I wouldn't commit if it meant the hope of securing my brother's peace and reincarnation."
Once again the parallels between them are almost laughable. There was nothing Huaisang wouldn't do--nothing he hadn't done or pushed or encouraged--if it meant vengeance for his brother. Likewise, there's nothing Meng Yao hadn't done to try and secure his mother's wishes for him.
It felt-- Odd. He's not sure if it was freeing to have these shackles suddenly fall away. Did he feel lighter? "I don't know what to do," he admits in a murmur. "Who am I anymore?" And he laughs a little, bitter and uncertain.
"That's up to you," Huaisang murmurs, resuming combing his gentle fingers through Meng Yao's hair, holding Meng Yao's head to his chest. "You have to figure it out for yourself. I'm so proud of you for realizing this and being able to say it. Your mother loved you, but she set you up with expectations that were impossible to fulfill. Now that you can no longer follow that course of action, and now that you have begun to regret everything that happened because of it, you must decide for yourself who you want to be, what path you want to follow."
Sighing once, Huaisang rests his cheek against Meng Yao's hair again, holding him tight. "You have many people beside you, to help you and to guide you until you decide on your course. Some people take a lifetime to figure it out. Take your time."
It seems like too much right now. He'd never had the luxury of shirking duties and obligations; even now in Duplicity he continued to give himself projects and work to do, not letting his mind or his body rest. Even with sex he saw it as another thing to be scheduled into his day. Schedules, rules, everything planned out to allow himself as much control as possible in a world where he had so little. In the act was the only time he felt he could let everything go and drift away. In the moment, he could be everything and nothing all at once and it was deliriously freeing. Scarily so. The freedom, the floating, content feeling he got, was frightening in how much he enjoyed it. Because all that could be used against him, something else that could be used as a weapon and pulled out from under him.
He doesn't want to think right now. He doesn't want to think of a future, of who or what he could become when he's not sure what the options even are, when he's afraid to see what the are in the first place. He'll think on it later, of course, see what he's even allowed to do in this place and go from there, but for now? It's all a bit much even for his ever-busy brain.
He feels sick to his stomach still, and he closes his eyes and just breathes. "Things should have been so different..." He murmurs, sighing deeply. After a moment he begins to pull away, rubbing at his face and sniffling, trying to pull the remains of his dignity around him.
Huaisang holds him as long as he needs, finally sitting up when Meng Yao stirs. He pours another cup of wine, drinks half of it at a gulp, then holds it out to Meng Yao. "Drink this. It will help settle your nerves. Then we'll go take a long bath and get some sleep."
Rising to his feet, Huaisang gently helps Meng Yao up, looping a possessive arm around his waist as he leads the way upstairs and starts the bath. They're both very used to Huaisang's routine of aftercare by now, but this time Huaisang adds some scents and bubbles to the bath and lights candles, making it all as indulgent as possible before he slides into the water and snuggles close.
Though he knows that something set all this off, he doesn't ask. Meng Yao will give him the relevant information. The rest of it is Meng Yao's either to keep private or to confide. Strangely enough, Huaisang trusts him now. He knows Meng Yao down to his soul, and knows that he has never been so devoted to Huaisang as he is now.
This, the routine of it, is grounding too. The more familiar and ritualized it is, the better Meng Yao feels going through the motions of it all. The addition of other scents and the bubbles isn't jarring enough to bother him either, within acceptable parameters of 'off script,' and he finds himself relaxing in Huaisang's care.
The floating feeling begins to ease in, a weightlessness to his mind as he lets himself drift and be taken care of, helping Huaisang where he could to get him undressed and bathed. He says nothing during this time, not until they're snuggled in the hot water and he feels like it's alright to mention something.
"I never admitted it before. To myself or out loud." He murmurs, speaking up at the ceiling, watching the steam of the bath drifting upwards. "I... ran into your brother." And he waits, just for a second, but when there's no adverse reaction or sudden explosion of feeling at that he begins to relax again. "You already know he's here, then."
"I know." Huaisang tucks his head against Meng Yao's shoulder, comfortable and dozy in the bath. "I was very surprised when you said it. To me, it had long been one of the signifiers that you would never truly repent, one of the constants that I never thought you would be capable of questioning. That you had no choice, that all your crimes were excusable, and that your mother was a paragon above question. People are complex and flawed. All the excuses you gave and yet you never once blamed her, even though I always thought her influence on you was the best excuse you had about your crimes not being your fault."
Nodding at the statement about his brother, Huaisang makes a soft affirmative noise. It's a tense subject, of course, but Huaisang's in a very good and forgiving mood considering that he has his brother alive again. "I'm glad the two of you both got out of the interaction with your heads intact."
"It as through talking to him that I was able to admit it," he murmurs, closing his eyes and sighing deeply. "He doesn't believe me, I think. I suppose I can't blame him, but I...I told him to talk to you. Because he'll believe anything you say."
Which is putting a lot of power in Huaisang's hands. There is always the looming fact that Huaisang could destroy him too easily here. He had a legion of very loyal, very powerful lovers who wouldn't bat an eyelash at eliminating Meng Yao or doing whatever it was Huaisang wanted. He couldn't be killed permanently here, but there were plenty of ways to keep a man alive and their soul dead. But it was different with giving the information over to Mingjue, though Meng Yao would be a little pressed to explain how it was different. Maybe because it'd be so much more personal if it was Mingjue, someone he actually had an attachment to.
Edited (forgot a sentence or two) 2020-09-27 05:41 (UTC)
Huaisang already has an immense amount of power in his hands, and he knows it, too. All those powerful lovers and allies willing to fight for him. He's very quietly made himself a power player in the city, a dangerous man to cross, and yet he's utterly content with his life just the way it is. He has no desire to go up against the city or to create an organization of any kind. He simply wants to enjoy his lovers and his pretty fashions.
"I will," Huaisang promises. "Don't worry about him. You belong to me. It would be illegal and dishonorable for him to touch you without my permission, though he is entitled to some punishments. I'll discuss the matter with him."
Reaching down into the water, Huaisang begins to lightly caress Meng Yao's cock, offering physical pleasure to help calm him down and get him out of his own head.
A soft exhale, a sigh of relief and he relaxes further in Huaisang's embrace. There's a chance he's lying--there's always a chance, at any given moment, that either of them are lying, but he's willing to take the chance right now.
Who knew that he could use Huaisang's possessiveness to his advantage like this? Well-- Alright, Meng Yao had the idly idea of it a while ago, but it was only recently he's come to see how he could actually use it.
The hand sliding between his legs startles him a little and he gasps, pressing his head back. "A-Sang... You don't have to--"
"Aren't I allowed to play with my toys?" Huaisang asks sweetly, giving Meng Yao's cock a squeeze. His smile has turned wicked, that frequent expression he has which promises that everyone involved is going to have fun--whether or not they want to. "But all right, if that's what you want."
He pulls his hand away, as though he's somehow misinterpreted Meng Yao's polite objection as some sort of request. Sitting up, he reaches over the side of the tub, opening a little chest that's just within reach and drawing out a little vibrator. It's on the small side, only about four inches long, with a bulb at the end designed to nestle against a prostate or g-spot. Near the base is a little projection shaped like a butterfly, evidently designed with the wings to stimulate the labia and the little silicone proboscii to nestle against a clit.
Tapping at Meng Yao's legs to get them to part, Huaisang nudges the toy against his entrance, pressing firmly and twisting a bit. There's nothing but water to ease the way, but that evidently isn't about to stop Huaisang from a slow but determined process of working it inside.
Meng Yao makes a soft noise, not sure if he's protesting the squeeze or being called a toy--it doesn't particularly matter either way, his mind sharpening as Huaisang moves. It feels like he's waking up again, watching Huaisang with a wary curiosity.
Truthfully, Meng yao hasn't played much with the various toys offered in this place, except the ones Huaisang had brought out before. Not that he wasn't curious about them, it just hadn't been a high priority to explore them as of yet. He sort of wishes he'd taken the time now.
"A-Sang--" He gasps softly, brow furrowed in concentration as the toy forces its way inside. The stretch burns more than usual since he's not been prepared, but it's not enough to be really painful or make him stop Huaisang. Once it's settled inside he remembers to breathe again, shaking his head a little. "Is this helping me, or you?" He asks with a breathy laugh.
"Mostly you," Huaisang answers, sweetly cheeky about it. He taps it a few times to make sure it's in the right spot, then turns it on. It only has two settings, low and high, so Huaisang starts it on low. He knows how perfect this toy is, with the bulb nestling against the prostate inside while the butterfly extension teases the sensitive skin of the perineum and stimulates the prostate from the outside.
Content with the toy doing his work for him, Huaisang performs his favorite little bath charm that heats the porcelain and keeps the water hot, and then settles against Meng Yao's shoulder again, comfortably dozy.
There's a gasp and he jerks, sloshing some of the water almost out of the tub as he does so. It's low enough to not make him squirm too much right off the bat, but it's a decidedly very different feeling from anything he's had inside him before.
He takes a breath, trying to--not really ignore the vibrations, but focus beyond them. It doesn't go so well, but at least he puts in the effort. He tried, right? He begins to tremble and takes another breath, hands curling against the sides of the tub as he moans. "A-Sang," his voice is like a plead and he turns his head, trying to seek out a kiss.
"Mm," Huaisang replies with a little laugh. "Relax, A-Yao. Enjoy." Giving him that kiss, Huaisang lingers in it, soft and sweet, trying to calm him. "You're safe," Huaisang murmurs against his lips. "I want you to unwind. If you'd rather that I just stroke you, I will. I want you to relax and feel good."
He knows what a tangle Meng Yao's emotions are, after whatever happened between him and Mingjue and the intense confession and their conversation downstairs. He's been through a lot. Huaisang just wants to let him melt into pleasure and praise, and then to put him safely to bed. "My A-Yao," he continues murmuring praise between kisses and warm smiles. "You're safe. I have you."
He's not used to this pleasure that builds slowly and draws itself out. For him, it was usually a brutal pace and overwhelming waves that crashed over him, forcing and keeping him under until he gave in to the onslaught of it.
Huaisang's kisses and praise make him ache. "Why?" He asks softly, though he fears he'll never truly understand it. He doesn't understand Xichen's love either even as he accepts it for what it is, but he can't help but ask anyhow.
"Mm, why what? You had a rough day and I want to help you recover from that. You're valuable to me. Because of your usefulness, your skill, your devotion and protectiveness toward me despite it all. Because you're a weapon that I don't want in any other hands than mine, because I don't trust anyone else to keep you calm and tame and satisfied. Because you're one of my favorite toys, and the more I play with you, the more delightfully you respond."
Nipping sweetly at Meng Yao's ear, Huaisang makes a soft, possessive rumbling noise in his ear. "Any other questions?"
Each comment feels like a strike against his heart, but not particularly in a bad way. It's not all praise, exactly, but mixed in with more logical statements-- that he's useful and dangerous and Huaisang wants him in his hands rather than anyone else's.
It's a bit nice, he thinks, to have someone be possessive of him like this. To value his skills in a way few others--family included--ever had. He closes his eyes and shakes his head, but he supposes he does have one more question, voice breathy.
"Of course." Huaisang's voice was warm and pleased, proud of Meng Yao for asking for what he wanted. Kissing his temple, Huaisang reached to stroke his cock with smooth, rhythmic strokes. He stayed close, cuddling and nuzzling as he worked Meng Yao over in the sweetest possible way. "My A-Yao. Just let go. I have you. I want you to feel good."
He sighs in relief, letting his head rest back against Huaisang's shoulder. His hips move slowly, fucking Huaisang's hand and letting the pleasure curl its way around him.
He closes his eyes and moans to the ceiling, hands gripping at the sides of the tub. Unlike his normal trysts with people, his orgasm builds slowly. It's an almost sweet torture that finally ends when he gasps sharply and moans, coming over Huaisang's hand and the water before collapsing back bonelessly against the other. The vibrating of the plug is more pronounced now, making him whimper.
Huaisang slips the toy out easily once Meng Yao has finished. He flicks it off and lets it float harmlessly away to be fished out later.
"Feel better, Yaoyao?" Huaisang nuzzles at him, gentle and fond. The evening has been very intense for them both, but especially for Meng Yao. Huaisang's proud of him and the progress he's made, and he wants to be gentle with his plaything. "Take your time and enjoy the afterglow. We can move to bed whenever you want."
He sighs, turning to kiss Huaisang slowly, letting everything settle. His fingers roam, not even trying to be sexual so much as just wanting to use the touch to ground himself, the smooth slide of Huaisang's skin beneath his fingers making him sigh.
It takes a few more calm minutes before he has to admit to himself that if they don't move soon he might actually fall asleep in the bath. He draws himself away and stretches his arms above his head, letting his muscles tense and then relax. "Can we go to sleep soon, A-Sang?" Perhaps because of the intensity of the day, he's feeling much more pliant and obedient tonight, even more so than he usually plays at.
"Yes, of course." Huaisang smiles approval at him, pleased as ever when Meng Yao is obedient and cooperative--which is usually, even if Meng Yao likes to think otherwise.
Nudging him softly, Huaisang sits up, pulling the stopper from the tub and getting up. It's been an intense hour, and he's exhausted now, looking forward to curling up in bed and cuddling as they fall asleep.
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"Morality is a complicated thing," Huaisang says at last. "You and I know this better than most. Every day I held court there were issues without clear, fair, easy solutions. Law conflicting with justice, conflicting with mercy, conflicting with filial piety. People like da ge and er ge, paragons of justice and honesty, but the honesty and strict lawfulness within the hearts meant they could never see the injustice around them, even when it was directly under their nose. Filial piety can require you to steal and murder, to use people like pawns, to break every dictum of law and morality. Filial piety to one parent can even require impiety to the other parent. And in the pursuit of filial piety, of trying to achieve the one thing that a mother desired above all else, the only way her spirit would find peace, it could lead one to feel as though one had no choice but to commit the worst of crimes. You know full well that there's no crime I wouldn't commit if it meant the hope of securing my brother's peace and reincarnation."
no subject
It felt-- Odd. He's not sure if it was freeing to have these shackles suddenly fall away. Did he feel lighter? "I don't know what to do," he admits in a murmur. "Who am I anymore?" And he laughs a little, bitter and uncertain.
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Sighing once, Huaisang rests his cheek against Meng Yao's hair again, holding him tight. "You have many people beside you, to help you and to guide you until you decide on your course. Some people take a lifetime to figure it out. Take your time."
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He doesn't want to think right now. He doesn't want to think of a future, of who or what he could become when he's not sure what the options even are, when he's afraid to see what the are in the first place. He'll think on it later, of course, see what he's even allowed to do in this place and go from there, but for now? It's all a bit much even for his ever-busy brain.
He feels sick to his stomach still, and he closes his eyes and just breathes. "Things should have been so different..." He murmurs, sighing deeply. After a moment he begins to pull away, rubbing at his face and sniffling, trying to pull the remains of his dignity around him.
"I don't think I've ever felt so exhausted."
no subject
Rising to his feet, Huaisang gently helps Meng Yao up, looping a possessive arm around his waist as he leads the way upstairs and starts the bath. They're both very used to Huaisang's routine of aftercare by now, but this time Huaisang adds some scents and bubbles to the bath and lights candles, making it all as indulgent as possible before he slides into the water and snuggles close.
Though he knows that something set all this off, he doesn't ask. Meng Yao will give him the relevant information. The rest of it is Meng Yao's either to keep private or to confide. Strangely enough, Huaisang trusts him now. He knows Meng Yao down to his soul, and knows that he has never been so devoted to Huaisang as he is now.
no subject
The floating feeling begins to ease in, a weightlessness to his mind as he lets himself drift and be taken care of, helping Huaisang where he could to get him undressed and bathed. He says nothing during this time, not until they're snuggled in the hot water and he feels like it's alright to mention something.
"I never admitted it before. To myself or out loud." He murmurs, speaking up at the ceiling, watching the steam of the bath drifting upwards. "I... ran into your brother." And he waits, just for a second, but when there's no adverse reaction or sudden explosion of feeling at that he begins to relax again. "You already know he's here, then."
no subject
Nodding at the statement about his brother, Huaisang makes a soft affirmative noise. It's a tense subject, of course, but Huaisang's in a very good and forgiving mood considering that he has his brother alive again. "I'm glad the two of you both got out of the interaction with your heads intact."
no subject
Which is putting a lot of power in Huaisang's hands. There is always the looming fact that Huaisang could destroy him too easily here. He had a legion of very loyal, very powerful lovers who wouldn't bat an eyelash at eliminating Meng Yao or doing whatever it was Huaisang wanted. He couldn't be killed permanently here, but there were plenty of ways to keep a man alive and their soul dead. But it was different with giving the information over to Mingjue, though Meng Yao would be a little pressed to explain how it was different. Maybe because it'd be so much more personal if it was Mingjue, someone he actually had an attachment to.
no subject
"I will," Huaisang promises. "Don't worry about him. You belong to me. It would be illegal and dishonorable for him to touch you without my permission, though he is entitled to some punishments. I'll discuss the matter with him."
Reaching down into the water, Huaisang begins to lightly caress Meng Yao's cock, offering physical pleasure to help calm him down and get him out of his own head.
no subject
Who knew that he could use Huaisang's possessiveness to his advantage like this? Well-- Alright, Meng Yao had the idly idea of it a while ago, but it was only recently he's come to see how he could actually use it.
The hand sliding between his legs startles him a little and he gasps, pressing his head back. "A-Sang... You don't have to--"
no subject
He pulls his hand away, as though he's somehow misinterpreted Meng Yao's polite objection as some sort of request. Sitting up, he reaches over the side of the tub, opening a little chest that's just within reach and drawing out a little vibrator. It's on the small side, only about four inches long, with a bulb at the end designed to nestle against a prostate or g-spot. Near the base is a little projection shaped like a butterfly, evidently designed with the wings to stimulate the labia and the little silicone proboscii to nestle against a clit.
Tapping at Meng Yao's legs to get them to part, Huaisang nudges the toy against his entrance, pressing firmly and twisting a bit. There's nothing but water to ease the way, but that evidently isn't about to stop Huaisang from a slow but determined process of working it inside.
no subject
Truthfully, Meng yao hasn't played much with the various toys offered in this place, except the ones Huaisang had brought out before. Not that he wasn't curious about them, it just hadn't been a high priority to explore them as of yet. He sort of wishes he'd taken the time now.
"A-Sang--" He gasps softly, brow furrowed in concentration as the toy forces its way inside. The stretch burns more than usual since he's not been prepared, but it's not enough to be really painful or make him stop Huaisang. Once it's settled inside he remembers to breathe again, shaking his head a little. "Is this helping me, or you?" He asks with a breathy laugh.
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Content with the toy doing his work for him, Huaisang performs his favorite little bath charm that heats the porcelain and keeps the water hot, and then settles against Meng Yao's shoulder again, comfortably dozy.
no subject
He takes a breath, trying to--not really ignore the vibrations, but focus beyond them. It doesn't go so well, but at least he puts in the effort. He tried, right? He begins to tremble and takes another breath, hands curling against the sides of the tub as he moans. "A-Sang," his voice is like a plead and he turns his head, trying to seek out a kiss.
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He knows what a tangle Meng Yao's emotions are, after whatever happened between him and Mingjue and the intense confession and their conversation downstairs. He's been through a lot. Huaisang just wants to let him melt into pleasure and praise, and then to put him safely to bed. "My A-Yao," he continues murmuring praise between kisses and warm smiles. "You're safe. I have you."
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Huaisang's kisses and praise make him ache. "Why?" He asks softly, though he fears he'll never truly understand it. He doesn't understand Xichen's love either even as he accepts it for what it is, but he can't help but ask anyhow.
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Nipping sweetly at Meng Yao's ear, Huaisang makes a soft, possessive rumbling noise in his ear. "Any other questions?"
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It's a bit nice, he thinks, to have someone be possessive of him like this. To value his skills in a way few others--family included--ever had. He closes his eyes and shakes his head, but he supposes he does have one more question, voice breathy.
"A-Sang, touch me?"
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He closes his eyes and moans to the ceiling, hands gripping at the sides of the tub. Unlike his normal trysts with people, his orgasm builds slowly. It's an almost sweet torture that finally ends when he gasps sharply and moans, coming over Huaisang's hand and the water before collapsing back bonelessly against the other. The vibrating of the plug is more pronounced now, making him whimper.
"Ah, take it out, A-Sang, it's too much..."
no subject
"Feel better, Yaoyao?" Huaisang nuzzles at him, gentle and fond. The evening has been very intense for them both, but especially for Meng Yao. Huaisang's proud of him and the progress he's made, and he wants to be gentle with his plaything. "Take your time and enjoy the afterglow. We can move to bed whenever you want."
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It takes a few more calm minutes before he has to admit to himself that if they don't move soon he might actually fall asleep in the bath. He draws himself away and stretches his arms above his head, letting his muscles tense and then relax. "Can we go to sleep soon, A-Sang?" Perhaps because of the intensity of the day, he's feeling much more pliant and obedient tonight, even more so than he usually plays at.
fin~
Nudging him softly, Huaisang sits up, pulling the stopper from the tub and getting up. It's been an intense hour, and he's exhausted now, looking forward to curling up in bed and cuddling as they fall asleep.