But you said he wants to be romantically exclusive and that you were considering that. And I know that's something you wanted. But... how would that even work, with your permanent contract with Bull? Wouldn't that require cutting him out of your life?
[Huaisang shakes his head, biting down on his lip to try and stop his worried interrogations.]
I'm sorry, Dorian. You said you wanted my advice and support and I'm just fussing at you instead. How can I help?
With Bull? [ Dorian's eyes widen slightly and then he drops his head some. ] No, even if I do care for him and have feelings for the Bull back in my world, I can't keep deluding myself. He is very good to me and he cares for me, but I'm not confident that it's love. If so much was required of me, I would never of even considered a relationship.
[ And this is the kind of feeling he had been trying to avoid. ] I'm not... changing. It's not as though he's ignorant of my charming ways and my more... intimate affairs.
[ He smiles and slides his hand a little higher up Huaisang's thigh, an inch or two above the knee. ] No need to apologize. I've not had anyone fuss over me before.
[Huaisang's brow furrows, still confused by what Dorian's saying. His legs hook a little tighter over Dorian's thighs.] Considered a ... are you saying you don't consider what we have to be a relationship?
I don't understand. Dorian... [There's a scared, plaintive note starting to come into Huaisang's voice as he gets an inkling of a feeling that this is already decided and Dorian's just trying to break it to him softly.] But if you're romantically exclusive, you're saying that you can fuck me but you can't be romantic with me?
That's not what I'm saying at all. [ Why is he good at talking about most things, but not feelings? ] I do consider what we have a relationship. It's just different than the one I have with him. It's different than what I have with The Iron Bull. Being with you makes me happy, there aren't any expectations, I feel like I can be myself and you'll love me all the more for it, but I also know that I'm not the only person you love.
[ He really doesn't want to say something that will paint Rhys in a bad light, just because their views are different doesn't make them wrong. ] I don't know how to be romantically or even emotionally exclusive and to want nothing but sex from you would be terribly rude and inconsiderate of your feelings.
[ All this talk is really making him want to grab that drink, but he'll wait until that look and tone leave Huaisang. ] I want... whatever I have with him to work, but I don't want to lose anyone in the process. [ Dorian is getting visibly frustrated, mostly at himself for getting tangled in this and at the situation for not being as easy as he thought it would be. ]
[Calmed by the clear explanation, Huaisang nods and gives Dorian's cheek a quick kiss to help reassure and soothe him.] Okay. That makes sense.
[Loosening his grip around Dorian's waist, Huaisang cups his hand against Dorian's jaw instead, gazing into his eyes.] We'll figure this out, Dorian. If he truly loves you, then he'll accept you as you are rather than making you change yourself to fit into what he deems acceptable.
So, assuming that's a given--that he truly loves you as you are or potentially could--let's figure out how to make this work. You wanted advice. Do you have specific questions for me?
I agree with that. [ Though there is the whole matter of Rhys giving everything and not getting everything in return. It's not fair to him, but Dorian never expected so much initially. It's almost easier accepting scraps and denying himself the entire pie. Just knowing that he's loved almost felt like enough. He doesn't have to be in a relationship with Rhys to care about him. Denying feelings had not worked for them in the past, so what would happen if he just carried on and Rhys decided to call their 'relationship' off because of it?
To some degree, that kiss and touch sooth him, but there's still conflict behind his stormy eyes. ]
Have you ever had lovers fight over you? I'm not talking about mine and Fenris' spats.
Yes. And it may end up coloring my opinions in this discussion.
I had a lover who was jealous and who asked me to be exclusive. Said he loved me, offered to marry me. Do you want the whole story? The short version, anyway.
[Huaisang nods and takes a deep breath. It's a lengthy saga, even abbreviated. He's glad to trust Dorian with his side of it, though he still doesn't want to bother his lover and doesn't want to make this all about himself--which is also to say that he prefers to conceal his own problems, burying them deep so that no one ever needs to know about them.]
When I first arrived here I was scared and alone and I encountered a man from my world, Xue Yang. He's a known serial killer, and I let him seduce me because I thought he might kill me if I didn't cooperate, but he was gentle instead and the sex was good.
He had a lover from home, Xiao Xingchen, who also arrived here. They were lovers--and I don't know the entire story but all the parts I know of it are awful--mostly because Xue Yang had lied to him while he was blind, and he was blind because Xue Yang had put out the eyes of Xingchen's partner, so Xingchen had given him his eyes, and then while he was separated from his partner, Xue Yang pretended to be someone else and seduced him. Later, Xue Yang killed the partner and enslaved him with necromancy. When Xingchen found out, he killed himself.
Here, Xingchen told me that he knew. At first I didn't question it. [Huaisang shakes his head, deeply sunken inside himself as he recounts the story.] The two of them invited me into a relationship. They were sweet to me, but Xingchen was always ... distracted. I felt more like a fond pet or a child he cared for more than a lover who shared his heart. My relationship with Xue Yang was more intense, and at first it was wonderful, he was attentive, but then...
I flirted with Rafa over the network. You know Rafa? And Xue Yang got jealous. I agreed to be exclusive since it was clearly important to him. I spoke to Rafa a few more times and we couldn't stop flirting, so I eventually told him we couldn't be friends.
And then, this place... this place being what it is. I found myself in several different situations where I was struck by aphrodisiacs or heat, and I was taken by force more than once. The violation of it was awful and traumatizing, but it was layered with guilt because part of me had wanted it. Not just the want that was induced by the aphrodisiacs, and how could I tell what was my own want and what was the city? So I asked Xue Yang--and at this point we were having vicious yelling match arguments about every week or two--to release me from the promise. He agreed, and then vanished for two weeks, and when he returned he told me that he and Xingchen had decided that if I didn't want to be exclusive they'd just be exclusive without me.
I was... devastated. Broken-hearted. They'd said they loved me, but then they cast me off so easily. They'd asked me to marry them. And then instead they married without me a few weeks after we broke up. So quickly... it made me feel as though they’d never loved me at all. That if what they had was love, then clearly I wasn’t capable of it, and probably unlovable.
I’d been such a romantic when I first came here. Mooning on endlessly about romantic operas I’d seen performed back home, sagas that I’d read, wistful poems. All of that was destroyed in me. It’s only starting to come back now. For months I didn’t believe in love at all, and I rather felt I didn’t need it. I had fun, and friends, and people I cared about, and I didn’t regret them for a minute. I’ve never regretted losing them. I felt only relief to be freed from those restrictions and expectations. I’d tried to compromise for them, but they’d never tried to compromise for me. They only demanded that I fit into their requirements, that I give them my whole heart.
This past… [A soft, sad laugh.] week, I suppose. I finally, for the first time, believe that I understand what love is. Love is trust. It’s the opposite of restrictions and requirements. It’s not unconditional devotion, but it’s a give and take based upon trust, and it’s easy. It’s the easiest thing in the world. People are messy and complicated, and relationships are hard, and even though love is trust which negates jealousy, people get insecure and paranoid and jealous, and then they lose sight of love.
But that’s my new guiding principle. Love is trust.
And Xue Yang and Xiao Xingchen can go choke on a bucket of rusty daggers.
[ Dorian listens quietly, sips at his wine and soothingly rubs at whatever bit of Huaisang he can reach, squeezing a foot or shoulder and running nonsensical circles with his fingertips over a hand.
It's difficult to imagine Huaisang having a yelling match with anyone, but as the story continues, he's certain more was deserved than that. What he has is different, Rhys is soft and complicated and Dorian is eager to raise to the challenge of growing the love they have. He wants to nurture and give all that he's got and he knows that's already what he's doing, but there are expectations and the thought of them hook into his free spirit in a worrying way. He's allowed to flirt and be himself. If any restrictions make him unhappy or uncomfortable, he knows to tell Rhys. Better to not let things fester, especially when those things could lead to further complications and pain.
Sympathy marks the mage's face, but he smiles in understanding. Huaisang has learned and grown stronger from what has happened to him. ]
Thank you for sharing. [ Dorian smiles, warm and adoring. ]
I'm not at all fond of rules and restrictions, especially in matters concerning relationships and love. Maybe that's another reason we get along so swimmingly- had more than enough of that growing up.
[Xingchen had been soft, too. So soft and sad and hurt when he'd said, I don't understand why you would do this. It was an enormous part of what had left Huaisang guilty and self-loathing for so long, what had taken him so long to acknowledge that he alone didn't bear the guilt, that he wasn't broken for not being satisfied with someone soft and kind and loving--and someone playful and affectionate and loving combined in the bargain.]
I love you. [Huaisang nestles close, pressing his face into Dorian's shoulder like he's trying to hide there.] It's you and Jiang Cheng, do you know that? I have a dozen lovers and romantic or erotic friends, but love, in love with, significant romance, it's ... it's you and Jiang Cheng up at the top.
[ As soon as Huaisang nestled in, Dorian embraces him, holds him close and presses soft kisses to the side of his head. He’s always so caring and considerate, it’s hard imagining him any other way. ]
No, I didn’t know that, but I love you too. [ he doesn’t even mind being one of two that Huaisang is in real, significant love with. Even if he cares, he doesn’t pry and make Huaisang’s personal business and affairs any of his business. Not unless he has to get involved or it’s made his business. ]
I just wanted you to know. That you're special. That you're wonderful. That I trust you and rely upon you and knowing that I'm going to see you makes my whole day brighter. [Beaming, Huaisang snuggles happily with him, so grateful just to be here and loved.] My Dorian. I'm so glad that I've met you and have had the opportunity to love you.
[ Dorian snuggles him close, warmed by Huaisang’s words and feeling just as special as his lover claims. Honestly, he still doesn’t know what to do and doesn’t like having to choose. He just wants to be happy and if he can make anyone else feel the same just by being close then what’s so wrong with that?
There’s a great deal of turmoil stirring in his heart, even if he feels so warm and affectionate. Rhys have him time to sort this all out, but here he is, not sorting out a damn thing. If anything, visiting and talking with Huaisang just has him falling deeper in love. ]
My heart aches just thinking of denying myself any little bit of you. [ Dorian sighs and in that sigh there is a heavy and unspoken, 'What do I do?' ]
[Huaisang's head lifts at that comment and his tone. Brow furrowed with empathy and concern, Huaisang studies his lover's face.] Is he asking that of you?
[Huaisang's still pretty unclear on what 'romantic exclusivity' means to Dorian and what advice he's asking of Huaisang, but he wants to try and help.] It ... it seems to me that if someone loves and accepts you as you are, they would never want you to give up something that brings you great joy, and certainly they wouldn't want to deny you love.
Love is trust and love should have no rules and restrictions, but because people are messy... I think... I think it's likely that he's scared or insecure. He may fear that if you love others, you'll love them more than him and leave him behind. I think it's reasonable to want a life with one bonded partner, someone you wake up beside every morning, someone who watches your back and cradles your heart. I think it's also reasonable to love many people, to give yourself joyously to the people who matter in your life.
You may have to find for yourself where the boundaries are between those two things. What differentiates romance, friendship, brotherhood, and what overlaps between them.
Love him wholly and joyfully, but also remember to protect your heart. If you love him wholly and joyfully and yet he still says it isn't enough, then he doesn't truly love you. If you love him wholly and joyfully and he still says he's scared, then hold his hand and be patient until his trust and love for you overcomes his fear.
[ Dorian sighs, the sound dreamy and any tension that would have been obvious in either his body or on his face is now gone. ]
Oh how I adore you so. [ He's well aware that he hasn't been too clear on what it was he needed advice on, but Huaisang just said it. ] You know, it's not often that I contemplate romances and what it is I truly want- but in these last few weeks that seems to be all I've been thinking about. [ And not completely by choice either. Rhys put him on the spot (not a bad thing) but it was odd to toss feelings into desires and consider relationships.
He presses kisses all over Huaisang's face, humming by the time he finally settles lips on his lover's. ]
[Surprised but delighted by Dorian's reaction, Huaisang giggles, cuddling into his arms and returning some of those sweet kisses.] Dorian!
So I take it that was helpful?
[Squealing with delight at the kisses continuing all over his face, Huaisang moans when Dorian finally claims his lips. Hugging tight, Huaisang presses close, reassured that Dorian really isn't going to let him go.]
Incredibly. [ Dorian responds against Huaisang’s lips. If there’s one thing he’s absolutely certain about, it’s that no matter how much he botches this, he’ll still have this man as a lover. No one has been quite as supportive and considerate of his feelings, desires and whims. Whether it’s conversation, drinks or just feeling and acting pampered, Huaisang is his partner.
He holds a little tighter and keeps up those kisses. ] Thank you.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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[Huaisang shakes his head, biting down on his lip to try and stop his worried interrogations.]
I'm sorry, Dorian. You said you wanted my advice and support and I'm just fussing at you instead. How can I help?
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[ And this is the kind of feeling he had been trying to avoid. ] I'm not... changing. It's not as though he's ignorant of my charming ways and my more... intimate affairs.
[ He smiles and slides his hand a little higher up Huaisang's thigh, an inch or two above the knee. ] No need to apologize. I've not had anyone fuss over me before.
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I don't understand. Dorian... [There's a scared, plaintive note starting to come into Huaisang's voice as he gets an inkling of a feeling that this is already decided and Dorian's just trying to break it to him softly.] But if you're romantically exclusive, you're saying that you can fuck me but you can't be romantic with me?
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[ He really doesn't want to say something that will paint Rhys in a bad light, just because their views are different doesn't make them wrong. ] I don't know how to be romantically or even emotionally exclusive and to want nothing but sex from you would be terribly rude and inconsiderate of your feelings.
[ All this talk is really making him want to grab that drink, but he'll wait until that look and tone leave Huaisang. ] I want... whatever I have with him to work, but I don't want to lose anyone in the process. [ Dorian is getting visibly frustrated, mostly at himself for getting tangled in this and at the situation for not being as easy as he thought it would be. ]
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[Loosening his grip around Dorian's waist, Huaisang cups his hand against Dorian's jaw instead, gazing into his eyes.] We'll figure this out, Dorian. If he truly loves you, then he'll accept you as you are rather than making you change yourself to fit into what he deems acceptable.
So, assuming that's a given--that he truly loves you as you are or potentially could--let's figure out how to make this work. You wanted advice. Do you have specific questions for me?
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To some degree, that kiss and touch sooth him, but there's still conflict behind his stormy eyes. ]
Have you ever had lovers fight over you? I'm not talking about mine and Fenris' spats.
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I had a lover who was jealous and who asked me to be exclusive. Said he loved me, offered to marry me. Do you want the whole story? The short version, anyway.
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[ Dorian already knows that Huaisang had a bad experience with exclusivity, but that doesn’t change his curiosity. ]
The whole story or as much as you’re comfortable sharing with me.
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When I first arrived here I was scared and alone and I encountered a man from my world, Xue Yang. He's a known serial killer, and I let him seduce me because I thought he might kill me if I didn't cooperate, but he was gentle instead and the sex was good.
He had a lover from home, Xiao Xingchen, who also arrived here. They were lovers--and I don't know the entire story but all the parts I know of it are awful--mostly because Xue Yang had lied to him while he was blind, and he was blind because Xue Yang had put out the eyes of Xingchen's partner, so Xingchen had given him his eyes, and then while he was separated from his partner, Xue Yang pretended to be someone else and seduced him. Later, Xue Yang killed the partner and enslaved him with necromancy. When Xingchen found out, he killed himself.
Here, Xingchen told me that he knew. At first I didn't question it. [Huaisang shakes his head, deeply sunken inside himself as he recounts the story.] The two of them invited me into a relationship. They were sweet to me, but Xingchen was always ... distracted. I felt more like a fond pet or a child he cared for more than a lover who shared his heart. My relationship with Xue Yang was more intense, and at first it was wonderful, he was attentive, but then...
I flirted with Rafa over the network. You know Rafa? And Xue Yang got jealous. I agreed to be exclusive since it was clearly important to him. I spoke to Rafa a few more times and we couldn't stop flirting, so I eventually told him we couldn't be friends.
And then, this place... this place being what it is. I found myself in several different situations where I was struck by aphrodisiacs or heat, and I was taken by force more than once. The violation of it was awful and traumatizing, but it was layered with guilt because part of me had wanted it. Not just the want that was induced by the aphrodisiacs, and how could I tell what was my own want and what was the city? So I asked Xue Yang--and at this point we were having vicious yelling match arguments about every week or two--to release me from the promise. He agreed, and then vanished for two weeks, and when he returned he told me that he and Xingchen had decided that if I didn't want to be exclusive they'd just be exclusive without me.
I was... devastated. Broken-hearted. They'd said they loved me, but then they cast me off so easily. They'd asked me to marry them. And then instead they married without me a few weeks after we broke up. So quickly... it made me feel as though they’d never loved me at all. That if what they had was love, then clearly I wasn’t capable of it, and probably unlovable.
I’d been such a romantic when I first came here. Mooning on endlessly about romantic operas I’d seen performed back home, sagas that I’d read, wistful poems. All of that was destroyed in me. It’s only starting to come back now. For months I didn’t believe in love at all, and I rather felt I didn’t need it. I had fun, and friends, and people I cared about, and I didn’t regret them for a minute. I’ve never regretted losing them. I felt only relief to be freed from those restrictions and expectations. I’d tried to compromise for them, but they’d never tried to compromise for me. They only demanded that I fit into their requirements, that I give them my whole heart.
This past… [A soft, sad laugh.] week, I suppose. I finally, for the first time, believe that I understand what love is. Love is trust. It’s the opposite of restrictions and requirements. It’s not unconditional devotion, but it’s a give and take based upon trust, and it’s easy. It’s the easiest thing in the world. People are messy and complicated, and relationships are hard, and even though love is trust which negates jealousy, people get insecure and paranoid and jealous, and then they lose sight of love.
But that’s my new guiding principle. Love is trust.
And Xue Yang and Xiao Xingchen can go choke on a bucket of rusty daggers.
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It's difficult to imagine Huaisang having a yelling match with anyone, but as the story continues, he's certain more was deserved than that. What he has is different, Rhys is soft and complicated and Dorian is eager to raise to the challenge of growing the love they have. He wants to nurture and give all that he's got and he knows that's already what he's doing, but there are expectations and the thought of them hook into his free spirit in a worrying way. He's allowed to flirt and be himself. If any restrictions make him unhappy or uncomfortable, he knows to tell Rhys. Better to not let things fester, especially when those things could lead to further complications and pain.
Sympathy marks the mage's face, but he smiles in understanding. Huaisang has learned and grown stronger from what has happened to him. ]
Thank you for sharing. [ Dorian smiles, warm and adoring. ]
I'm not at all fond of rules and restrictions, especially in matters concerning relationships and love. Maybe that's another reason we get along so swimmingly- had more than enough of that growing up.
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I love you. [Huaisang nestles close, pressing his face into Dorian's shoulder like he's trying to hide there.] It's you and Jiang Cheng, do you know that? I have a dozen lovers and romantic or erotic friends, but love, in love with, significant romance, it's ... it's you and Jiang Cheng up at the top.
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No, I didn’t know that, but I love you too. [ he doesn’t even mind being one of two that Huaisang is in real, significant love with. Even if he cares, he doesn’t pry and make Huaisang’s personal business and affairs any of his business. Not unless he has to get involved or it’s made his business. ]
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There’s a great deal of turmoil stirring in his heart, even if he feels so warm and affectionate. Rhys have him time to sort this all out, but here he is, not sorting out a damn thing. If anything, visiting and talking with Huaisang just has him falling deeper in love. ]
My heart aches just thinking of denying myself any little bit of you. [ Dorian sighs and in that sigh there is a heavy and unspoken, 'What do I do?' ]
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[Huaisang's still pretty unclear on what 'romantic exclusivity' means to Dorian and what advice he's asking of Huaisang, but he wants to try and help.] It ... it seems to me that if someone loves and accepts you as you are, they would never want you to give up something that brings you great joy, and certainly they wouldn't want to deny you love.
Love is trust and love should have no rules and restrictions, but because people are messy... I think... I think it's likely that he's scared or insecure. He may fear that if you love others, you'll love them more than him and leave him behind. I think it's reasonable to want a life with one bonded partner, someone you wake up beside every morning, someone who watches your back and cradles your heart. I think it's also reasonable to love many people, to give yourself joyously to the people who matter in your life.
You may have to find for yourself where the boundaries are between those two things. What differentiates romance, friendship, brotherhood, and what overlaps between them.
Love him wholly and joyfully, but also remember to protect your heart. If you love him wholly and joyfully and yet he still says it isn't enough, then he doesn't truly love you. If you love him wholly and joyfully and he still says he's scared, then hold his hand and be patient until his trust and love for you overcomes his fear.
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Oh how I adore you so. [ He's well aware that he hasn't been too clear on what it was he needed advice on, but Huaisang just said it. ] You know, it's not often that I contemplate romances and what it is I truly want- but in these last few weeks that seems to be all I've been thinking about. [ And not completely by choice either. Rhys put him on the spot (not a bad thing) but it was odd to toss feelings into desires and consider relationships.
He presses kisses all over Huaisang's face, humming by the time he finally settles lips on his lover's. ]
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So I take it that was helpful?
[Squealing with delight at the kisses continuing all over his face, Huaisang moans when Dorian finally claims his lips. Hugging tight, Huaisang presses close, reassured that Dorian really isn't going to let him go.]
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He holds a little tighter and keeps up those kisses. ] Thank you.
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[Nuzzling at him, Huaisang settles in to cuddle for hours, happy simply to be held in Dorian's arms and loved.]