"I take your meaning," Huaisang assures her. He presses close, watching her with faithful attention. Whatever she has to say, Huaisang will listen without judgement. "I take many a man to bed. Such things are common and encouraged. And I know, too, how messy one's emotions can become around the topic of men in beds."
He's had many lovers in his life, and most of them have been here and in the past year. The more lovers, the more complicated emotions can become, and the more chance of hurting one's heart upon a jagged shore. "We are all fools on that topic. Go on."
It still feels so shameful, to admit. A woman of her rank, admitting to any relation of this kind, outside of her own marriage bed?
But as he says, it is common and it is encouraged. It is what is expected from her, and from all others, here. That is how she must think of it. How she makes the shame bearable.
"... I took him to a beach. I have an ability to traverse water, even taking another with me." She closes her eyes. Trying not to think about it in any detail. "He called me a treasure. I thought I was making him happy. I told myself, it did not matter the shame I feel, for a woman of - of my position to be doing such things, if I could at least make others happy - "
Her teeth grit against themselves. Hysterics were not useful, no matter how she feels.
"... When we were done. After we had - had finished. I offered to take him back. He... he grew angry with me." She brings her hands to her mouth, now because she can't help it. It hurts so, every time she speaks of it. "He started to accuse me of things. Of hurting him. Doing something to him. Causing him an illness that would rot his body?" She barely understood half of what he said, only that at the end of it: "Then he stood there and shouted at me that I was a monster. I could not stand it. I lost control of my feelings, and I screamed at him to go away, loudly and terribly. He ran away from me."
It's still so clear, the feel of his kiss, and then the horror in his face. Best as she tries to keep it all in because she must. But it... but it hurt. "I thought that - that should be bad enough but at least the end of it. I thought that no worse could come of it. As if I had not been humiliated enough. To let a man in my body and then have him despise me and revile me only a minute later. But then - another man, he spoke to me and said that I had assaulted him. That I had kidnapped him and forced him to make love to me. Assaulted him."
Huaisang does his best to read between the lines of what he's being told. He knows only a little of Gilia's nature, but there have been mentions of the sea, and now she mentions an ability to traverse water, being called a monster. So, she is not a mere human. That's common enough around here. Huaisang himself is older than he looks and with some magical capabilities, and his friends and lovers are a variety of supernatural beings.
"Oh, Gilia." Huaisang winds his arms tightly around her waist, hugging her into his arms. "How awful. My deepest sympathies."
He rests his cheek against her hair, holding her close to comfort her. "This place... we all come from different worlds with different customs. He must have made some wrong assumption and then blamed you for his mistake. My poor sweet Gilia."
She weeps against his shoulder. Her shoulders rising and falling with each pathetic breath. The agony that rips itself in deep.
"I asked for nothing even as I woman I know I should. Why is it not enough? The things I give. I always give. I put aside all the things people tell me too. I have served my family, my people, and all these laws too."
He holds her tight, cheek resting against her hair as she weeps on him. He has charms to clean the salt from his clothes, so there's very little worry on that front. "I do understand. This place can be harsh, especially at first. When I first came, I repeatedly found myself forced or drugged into compliance, and it was frightening and upsetting, and yet a part of me still wanted it."
Petting at her hair, he keeps his voice low and soft, a murmur to soothe her nerves. "I had two lovers who were sworn to me, and yet they shamed me for the part of me that wanted, and abandoned me for it.
"Sometimes these things never are enough, never can be enough. You can give forever and this place will not be satisfied, nor the expectations of those who expect you to give more or otherwise than you do."
It does wonders, as only simple, compassionate comfort, could. Turning her cheek to just enjoy the warmth he provided, the scent, the gentle touch, of someone wrapping her up kindly.
"How could anyone ever turn you away? You are as beautiful as a spirit itself."
"It is kind of you to say so." Huaisang smiles, pleased as ever by a bit of flattery. He kisses that offered cheek, nuzzling softly into her hair a moment after. "But the point is that you must see to yourself and set boundaries over what you want and what you will accept. There are those who will take all and still claim you have not given enough, so you must take care. Give only what you are content to give without thanks or recompense, and save the greater part of yourself for those who do give thanks and recompense. It would not do, after all, to give too much of yourself to those who are unworthy. It is up to you to decide who is worthy of your gifts and who is not. Understand?"
She goes quiet, letting him nuzzle and there is a soft happy noise for it. A smile that breaks softly, as she tries to think on what he says.
"I do not... I do not know how to be such. Or -"
That isn't right. It isn't a matter of taking. Giving and receiving. Or rather, it is, it always has been.
But the expectation has been simple.
"... My mother once told me, that to rule, I must be a cave. One that has no end to its depth, because they will come, and they will take, and it is my duty to allow them so. That to... to rule well. I must be fathomless. Because no less shall be asked of me." She lowers her eyes, fixing on the fine details of his clothes. For they were far easier. "... I fear I... do not know how else to be. Not anymore."
Huaisang lifts his head as he listens to this, brow furrowing. "Surely that is too vast a simplification of how a ruler must give of oneself. There is a balance to it. If someone were to come to you and say, I want your gown for it is finer than mine, that would be unreasonable, for you must have a gown to rule. If someone were without a garment and you had a spare, however, you would be sure to give one to them, and if there were many without garments I have no doubt you would work tirelessly to make new ones. But surely even in your land, you must have a gown in order to rule, and a house, and your lands. If someone came to you and said, give me your lands and your crown, you would not. It is your responsibility to keep them in order to better care for your people. Just so, it is your responsibility to care for your own body and your own heart, to keep them in good health, so that you can better continue to rule and to serve. Surely you know this sort of balance and practice it?"
He searches her eyes, curious and worried. He never expected to be a source of sensible ruling strategies, but fathomless doesn't sound like a healthy way to run a kingdom.
She blinks, slowly, her eyes so empty of it. All hope, anything at all. Empty and long and looking at days that had no light in them, no moment where there should be peace at the end. There never shall be again, she thinks often enough. Not for her. Not for what she had done to her own sister. What her brother had caused, was a crime that paid itself over, and over, and over again.
"It is much too late for that, Huaisang, much, much too late. It has long since been taken."
"Nonsense," Huaisang scolds, tapping the tip of her nose. "I have seen my dear friend Gilia smile and laugh and play with me at fashion and braiding. I know a Gilia who has a personality of her own, and thoughts and opinions, and you shall not convince me otherwise." Leaning over, he nips at the curve of her ear, trying to tease her into a better mood.
"Besides, I know something about ruling when one feels hollow and empty, when the position allows for none of one's own nature. But you have no one here to rule. What you might give freely to your own people is not the right of foreign nations, and everyone here is a foreign nation to you. Treat them as you would a foreign nation. They must negotiate with you and prove their worth before you give anything to them. You ought only to give so freely to your own people, and therefore you must reserve all of yourself for them once you return. Those who are here may only have anything of you if they give you something of value in return so that you can be fortified and strong when you return to your homeland." He huffs and nods his head with certainty. There will be no taking advantage of Gilia allowed on his watch.
But still, his way of putting it, makes her smile, if only to herself. "Perhaps I should make them all dance in customs they do not understand, and see how they do, as I often must. I think they would be confused about why I do not look at any gifts they give me until I have refused them for a week, that I do not smile or laugh or talk much at all when they address me." Which honestly, amuses her a little unkindly, perhaps, but to see so many here playing at the long process of diplomacy as she knows it best. They would scarce know her, she can say that at least.
"I think we must perhaps come up with our own customs in this place." Huaisang pets her hair gently as he talks, fingertips massaging lightly at her scalp. "My diplomatic customs from home are of little use here. All those nuanced tools and skills that no longer have value without being adapted. But we are alike in that matter. We all are displaced from our own customs, and must determine new customs for ourselves. It is up to you what you will keep and what you must set aside while you are here. What you will allow others to take and how much you will give to those who are not your sworn people from home."
She sighs, nodding. His fingers were - they made her think of her sisters. Elspeth. Elspeth always had such a delicate touch. No matter how long and exhausting the petitions were of a morning, Elspeth could will them away with the same little movements.
It worked the same, now.
"What customs have you made? Perhaps I could borrow one for a little while?"
"I suppose so. I am adaptive--it's easy for me to discard my own customs and to take up whatever suits my will and the will of people I care about. For me, I keep the custom of my tea ceremony, but rather than making it a grand gesture of diplomacy, I make it a friendly gift. Back home, it was weighed with significance, and it was more often others who served me. I only performed the ceremony myself in order to smooth over some ruffled feathers or to ensure a diplomatic agreement. Here, I can offer that ceremony to any friend or new acquaintance who needs a bit of soothing." Which Gilia clearly does at the moment, so he thinks it's not a bad idea. And he might be able to offer it to her as a tool.
"I can teach you. It is soothing both as server and recipient, and though it has rules and repetition, it uses those things to calm and give peace. You may be able to use it because it makes your guest attentive to you and your command, while also giving them a great gift of care and calm."
"I have only just learned what tea is. I would love to know more of it. I did not know there was a ceremony for it too."
Tea... everyone seems to have some variant of it. Maybe it would be nice, to share it with them, something that helped her feel more like everyone else, in some small way.
"There are herbal infusions that can be made with any plant, and sometimes the people here refer to those infusions or tisanes as 'tea'," Huaisang explains, gently dislodging her as he gets up, then reaching to help her rise with him. "Tea is made from the tea plant. There are many varieties, and the leaves are then dried and in some cases fermented to prepare them to be infused in hot water."
Keeping hold of her hand, Huaisang leads her through the main floor of the house into his little tea and dining room, opening a cupboard to show his array of little tea packets and cakes. He went through a variety of them to introduce her to them, having her smell green and black teas and explaining some of the differences before he selected one of the green tea cakes and set it on the table, along with his tea set. "Now, we have to start with boiling water."
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no subject
He's had many lovers in his life, and most of them have been here and in the past year. The more lovers, the more complicated emotions can become, and the more chance of hurting one's heart upon a jagged shore. "We are all fools on that topic. Go on."
no subject
But as he says, it is common and it is encouraged. It is what is expected from her, and from all others, here. That is how she must think of it. How she makes the shame bearable.
"... I took him to a beach. I have an ability to traverse water, even taking another with me." She closes her eyes. Trying not to think about it in any detail. "He called me a treasure. I thought I was making him happy. I told myself, it did not matter the shame I feel, for a woman of - of my position to be doing such things, if I could at least make others happy - "
Her teeth grit against themselves. Hysterics were not useful, no matter how she feels.
"... When we were done. After we had - had finished. I offered to take him back. He... he grew angry with me." She brings her hands to her mouth, now because she can't help it. It hurts so, every time she speaks of it. "He started to accuse me of things. Of hurting him. Doing something to him. Causing him an illness that would rot his body?" She barely understood half of what he said, only that at the end of it: "Then he stood there and shouted at me that I was a monster. I could not stand it. I lost control of my feelings, and I screamed at him to go away, loudly and terribly. He ran away from me."
It's still so clear, the feel of his kiss, and then the horror in his face. Best as she tries to keep it all in because she must. But it... but it hurt. "I thought that - that should be bad enough but at least the end of it. I thought that no worse could come of it. As if I had not been humiliated enough. To let a man in my body and then have him despise me and revile me only a minute later. But then - another man, he spoke to me and said that I had assaulted him. That I had kidnapped him and forced him to make love to me. Assaulted him."
no subject
"Oh, Gilia." Huaisang winds his arms tightly around her waist, hugging her into his arms. "How awful. My deepest sympathies."
He rests his cheek against her hair, holding her close to comfort her. "This place... we all come from different worlds with different customs. He must have made some wrong assumption and then blamed you for his mistake. My poor sweet Gilia."
no subject
"I asked for nothing even as I woman I know I should. Why is it not enough? The things I give. I always give. I put aside all the things people tell me too. I have served my family, my people, and all these laws too."
no subject
Petting at her hair, he keeps his voice low and soft, a murmur to soothe her nerves. "I had two lovers who were sworn to me, and yet they shamed me for the part of me that wanted, and abandoned me for it.
"Sometimes these things never are enough, never can be enough. You can give forever and this place will not be satisfied, nor the expectations of those who expect you to give more or otherwise than you do."
no subject
"How could anyone ever turn you away? You are as beautiful as a spirit itself."
no subject
no subject
"I do not... I do not know how to be such. Or -"
That isn't right. It isn't a matter of taking. Giving and receiving. Or rather, it is, it always has been.
But the expectation has been simple.
"... My mother once told me, that to rule, I must be a cave. One that has no end to its depth, because they will come, and they will take, and it is my duty to allow them so. That to... to rule well. I must be fathomless. Because no less shall be asked of me." She lowers her eyes, fixing on the fine details of his clothes. For they were far easier. "... I fear I... do not know how else to be. Not anymore."
no subject
He searches her eyes, curious and worried. He never expected to be a source of sensible ruling strategies, but fathomless doesn't sound like a healthy way to run a kingdom.
no subject
"It is much too late for that, Huaisang, much, much too late. It has long since been taken."
no subject
"Besides, I know something about ruling when one feels hollow and empty, when the position allows for none of one's own nature. But you have no one here to rule. What you might give freely to your own people is not the right of foreign nations, and everyone here is a foreign nation to you. Treat them as you would a foreign nation. They must negotiate with you and prove their worth before you give anything to them. You ought only to give so freely to your own people, and therefore you must reserve all of yourself for them once you return. Those who are here may only have anything of you if they give you something of value in return so that you can be fortified and strong when you return to your homeland." He huffs and nods his head with certainty. There will be no taking advantage of Gilia allowed on his watch.
no subject
But still, his way of putting it, makes her smile, if only to herself. "Perhaps I should make them all dance in customs they do not understand, and see how they do, as I often must. I think they would be confused about why I do not look at any gifts they give me until I have refused them for a week, that I do not smile or laugh or talk much at all when they address me." Which honestly, amuses her a little unkindly, perhaps, but to see so many here playing at the long process of diplomacy as she knows it best. They would scarce know her, she can say that at least.
no subject
no subject
It worked the same, now.
"What customs have you made? Perhaps I could borrow one for a little while?"
no subject
"I can teach you. It is soothing both as server and recipient, and though it has rules and repetition, it uses those things to calm and give peace. You may be able to use it because it makes your guest attentive to you and your command, while also giving them a great gift of care and calm."
no subject
"I have only just learned what tea is. I would love to know more of it. I did not know there was a ceremony for it too."
Tea... everyone seems to have some variant of it. Maybe it would be nice, to share it with them, something that helped her feel more like everyone else, in some small way.
no subject
Keeping hold of her hand, Huaisang leads her through the main floor of the house into his little tea and dining room, opening a cupboard to show his array of little tea packets and cakes. He went through a variety of them to introduce her to them, having her smell green and black teas and explaining some of the differences before he selected one of the green tea cakes and set it on the table, along with his tea set. "Now, we have to start with boiling water."