[Huaisang's too distracted in his own emotions and turned away with the drinks, so he doesn't notice Chris' reaction to Astarion's name.
Glancing over with interest at what Chris says about Hands, Huaisang studies his expression for an extra second before responding.] They weren't all new hires--Methos doesn't work for me. But you're right. I hired him to handle my higher-level investments. Peggy handles the finances of the store--salaries and bills, all that--and Javert sees to the household expenses, but I've mostly done the higher-level stuff myself. Much though I hate having to do work, I ... I'm a bureaucrat. [Huaisang wrinkles his nose. He loves bureaucracy, really, loves the opportunities it creates for doing things unnoticed, for hiding one's competence, and for accelerating or misplacing priorities as he deems fit. But he'd still rather not have to do it at all.] And it's very rare that I find people who have expertise in that kind of high-level bureaucratic and financial operations. It's not even that much--I've got one shop and a party venue, it's not like I'm here to run a business empire--but still. [He sighs deeply.] The bureaucratic systems here are amazing--they have these things called spreadsheets, which organize information ... nevermind. It's still work. So as much as I like it and value it and want it done, I'd rather not do it.
[Huaisang tries desperately to get himself to summarize or move on from the topic, since he assumes that Chris (like most people) has little interest in extended debates on economic theory.]
I've encountered three people in my time here in the city who can understand that to the level that I do--Hands might actually be better. He's got a broader skill set. Values information and resources, as you said. Anyway. Hired him on the spot. All my accounts at that level have been horribly neglected since I lost my last employee who did that.
Anyway. Sorry. I can talk for hours about administration and finance, it's awful.
It isn't that I don't want to talk. It's that I can't talk about myself.
[He nods a bit in acknowledgement of his slip up, but listens attentively otherwise. Even as Huaisang goes on about business, there's no flagging in Chris' interest. If anything, from the polite and detached interest of subjects he was less familiar with, there's a spark of fascination in him for what insight Huaisang offers. Perhaps it would be boring to others, but it was daily business to him. Of course, Huaisang ushers on the topic and Chris' smile turns slightly tight and equally self-depreciating as though being caught even being interested in the topic was silly.
They had other things to talk about, surely. And it wasn't like Chris had sought out to own any businesses here, even though his dominants. He'd, in fact, avoided it for it being too like his responsibilities at home. At least his friend was using his skills productively, even if he didn't like to do it.]
I don't think it's awful. In another time, I'd have spent hours with you on the topic as it's near and dear to part of my duties back home as...functionally a Merchant Prince of my city afore I was ever named king...but that's beside the point and not relevant here.
But...I do want to know...why can't you talk about yourself? You're delightful and kind when appropriate and passionate about the things that hold your heart...what is there to want to avoid? [That same small smile flickers over his lips and he shakes his head.] In broader terms, if you'd rather...not to press you into something you quite literally just said you weren't comfortable with.
Well, if you do want to hear me talk too much about administrative nonsense, I ... I can.
[Huaisang waffles over the question, squirming in place a little and taking a sip of his drink. Chris points out what Huaisang otherwise would have, that he's asking about something that Huaisang just said he's not comfortable with, and yet he doesn't immediately rule out answering the question. The compliments help, and they sound far more positive than Huaisang would have expected (though Huaisang knows he still defaults to the assumption that even his close friends only just tolerate him).]
There are ... a lot of parts of it. I ... I'll try and hit on some of the highlights. Don't respond to any one part of it until I've got out as much as I can say, okay?
I was the younger son of a powerful nobleman, and I always disappointed him. I was never willing to change myself to conform to his expectations, and it meant that my older brother had to conform all the more, and he protected me, but I still ... have a certain belief that I should not draw attention to myself. That I can get away with what I want, but I'm a failure in all the things that I'm supposed to be, all the traits that are desirable in a man, all my duties to my sect, my people, my ancestors.
I was the weakest of all the children of all the major sects. By far. I was the useless one. The joke. People liked me because I made myself easy to like, because I was friendly and cheerful, but I was useless when anything important happened, so they left me behind. And then it just became ... normal. I was easy when people were around me, and when I wasn't around, people forgot me.
And I started to notice that there were ... advantages in that. I could get away with things, because no one expected anything from me. No one paid attention to me.
So, later, when I figured out that my brother's death had been murder, I realized that if his murderer ever realized I wasn't useless, then he'd kill me, too. I didn't have enough defenses to protect against that. I didn't have enough proof to expose him. All I could do was to be all the more useless, all the more forgettable, while I tried to figure out how to get enough proof to bring him down.
I was always isolated. Always overlooked and forgettable. But those ten years ... more than ten years. [Huaisang shakes his head, blinking away tears.] I was completely isolated. I became a caricature of myself. Useless, cowardly, frivolous.
To speak about myself, to acknowledge that I'm anything more than a shallow, cheery fool ... I spent so long in terror for my life, over that. To speak about myself brings up all those years of isolation and terror, because it's still so deeply ingrained in me that if my mask falters for even an instant, I will die, the world will be left under the influence of a cruel and murderous man who is guilty of almost every one of the ten abominations, and there will never be any justice for his victims.
[He nods to the request, already intending to mind his tongue just like that. He knew too well the difficulty of talking about some subjects. He'd had practice through his friends pushing, but it was hard learned.
Still, he listens to the end without interrupting, even as some of what Huaisang says rings too close to home. Feeling like a failure to the expectations upon you. Having others protect you all your life...even the part about knowing death would be around the corner, should you ever let slip who you truly were...they had a few things in common he never could have guessed.
And still, it was different. Chris had come into his own when allowed to step further and further from Crystal. Huaisang had been backed into a corner and forced to dig deeper and deeper to keep safe.
Even if she'd been trapped by distance, Chris had always had Rhyt. Even Kayt...meanwhile, his friend's family was ice in the veins or blood at his heels. His mind darts back to the agony of finding Rhyt's body, of holding his twin sister's corpse...he'd had a course, a set path to heal. Huaisang hadn't.
Slowly, Chris holds a hand out in the space between them and when he speaks, his voice holds no judgement, only a cautious gentleness.]
May I wrap my arms around you afore I offer any thoughts.
[Huaisang nods tentatively. Even though things are still fragile between them, Huaisang always wants affection and comfort. He shifts close, tucking himself into Chris' arms with his head on Chris' shoulder, nuzzling softly.
There's still tension running through Huaisang's body, defensive about having shared such vulnerable details, shaky from having dug up those devastating emotions, wary of treading wrong somehow while they're re-establishing trust between themselves. But he presses close to Chris, taking the comfort he needs.]
[Chris curls his arms around Huaisang as soon as he's allowed, one of his hands trails up and down his companion's back while the other simply keeps him pressed close for how it's looped around his lower back. Only once he can press a kiss to Huaisang's hair does he give voice to the first and most important thought.]
You were suffering and scared and had no one to turn to. No one in your corner...that wasn't fair to you...and likely only hurt more the more it felt no one even noticed. I'm sorry you suffered that, it's more sharp than any knife I've seen and you bear the wounds with a head still held high.
So...that said...I hope you know I've only grown in respect for you in the last few minutes. What you've endured is a cruelty few can imagine or will know...who you were was who you needed to be...and there's no sin in that. It'll always be the hidden dagger under the love and care you wrap around yourself now. But...my earnest hope is that you'll be able to find the times and ways you can to set it down and try to heal as best you can...and I mean truly heal, not simply bury the pain and wounds with things you think will make it pretty and easier to bear. You deserve that much kindness to yourself. You're worth that effort.
[Huaisang nods a few times as he talks, small and quick little vibrations of his head, but he stays tucked close and quiet.]
I know, [he murmurs at last, once Chris has paused for Huaisang to reply.] It's been... almost four years here, I think? It must be. Three and a half. The first year and a half was ...... rough. Some of ... all of that had come here with me. I was able to process some of it, other parts were ... made worse. [But Huaisang doesn't like dwelling on that, so he moves on quickly.] Since then, I had some difficult times, especially in the wake of all that, but after the first year I always knew that I was loved here. I've always had people here to rely on, who care about me, more of them and more deeply than I ever would have expected. I've had the time and stability to heal. To ... find myself again.
The first two... two and a half years here, I wasn't sure who I was without the mask, if I no longer wanted to be the core of steel and I no longer could be the person I'd been before, the cheerful, innocent, ignorant--[Huaisang stops himself suddenly, with a surprised laugh, as he realizes something he'd never quite connected before.] I ... I was never that person, though, was I? The mask was only who they thought I was, and it only required me to play into those expectations. Telling people what they want to hear is the easiest thing in the world. [Or it is for Huaisang, anyway, but he's got both a natural talent and years of experience on that particular topic.]
Hm. [Huaisang holds up his hand to consider it, reflecting upon himself anew.] I've always been, at my core, just who I am now. Sly. Frivolous. Lazy. Soft-hearted but strong-willed. I divided myself into extremes, but I really was always just ... [He can't think of a word to encapsulate himself. Just Huaisang. He's always liked himself, always been satisfied with who he is. It's only ever been his place in the world or in the hearts of others that he's doubted.]
[He says 'made worse' and Chris can't help thinking on what his friend had told him in the past, about those who had made expectations of him, those who had hurt him here. Perhaps it was them? Or perhaps it was something else entirely. Nothing Chris needed to know so badly he had to press any further than he already was.
But then Huaisang continues and there's that little laugh that draws Chris' attention further. That was...something connecting in the mind. Another thought coming along the first...and he waits for it.
And, again, his heart goes out to him anew. He couldn't possibly know every feeling or thought that might be going on behind those pretty eyes, but what he could glean...he could understand to some degree, at the least.]
You were who was expected...you were he who would survive...until you knew it was safe enough to let it fall away a bit more. Until you knew you could thrive and simply be you.
[He presses a kiss to Huaisang's head.]
Good. I'm glad. I'm glad, more, to know this you...the you you're wanting to be here and now. That's the man worth knowing...worth spending some time with.
[He pulls back a bit to better see his companion and press a kiss to his forehead, if allowed.]
I thank you for sharing him with me...sharing yourself with me...even as hard an ask as I know it was. Promise not to make too much habit of it.
[Huaisang lets himself be handled, and gives Chris a soft, tired smile when Chris pulls back to look at him.] Is there anything else you want to know, right now? [Better to just get it all out now, while Huaisang's already talking, since he'll do his best to avoid getting back into such conversations.
He reaches for his glass, taking a large gulp of the brandy before nestling back into Chris' arms. He feels emotionally worn out, wanting warmth and comfort now, to sink back into the luxury and pleasure that make up his life here and distance himself as much as possible from everything back home.]
[He pets along Huaisang's shoulder and threads his fingers through his hair to soothe. He kisses his friend's brow as he considers the question and decides, while the answer might generally be 'no' he can't leave it there. Doesn't want to leave it there.]
If the doors to this place opened tomorrow and we could leave to anywhere...what would you do?
I know what I would do...but I am...curious. For what similarities and differences lie between us, what you would settle on.
Stay, [Huaisang says immediately, then reconsiders the implications of what Chris had just said. Not just stay or go home. Leave to anywhere.] Wait. Anywhere? I don't ... I don't know. I'd rather be here than home, but I can't say that any world anyone else has described has ever made me think I'd rather be there.
I've built up safety here. As much as I'd like to travel, I don't know that I'd be willing to give up what I have. If there's another world where I could still have my luxuries, my fashion, my art, and as many people as I cared about who would all also be in that place?
That is very fair...I don't know if such a world exists, but I've certainly considered it for myself. Just idly, mind, I don't think I could actually make the choice to go to another world, even with one of my loves. I...unfortunately, intend to go back home.
[Is it unfortunately? Doesn't he miss the Moonsea? Yes...he loves the Moonsea...he just hates how many bars it puts around him by being there. He absently presses his lips to Huaisang's hair and forehead.]
Though, if we'd no choice but to stay here ad make a life of it...I suppose I could make that as well. So long as certain things changed. Thank you, I was just...curious.
[Curious if his friend's demands and responsibilities pulled him the way Chris' do.]
[Huaisang's curious about the word choice, why it would be unfortunate to choose to go back home, but he decides after a moment's thought that he doesn't need to know. The here and now is what matters to him. He doesn't care who Chris is back home. That simply doesn't seem relevant to who he is here and what they have together.
Finally over the line on how much vulnerability he's willing to endure, Huaisang pushes himself to sit up, giving Chris his most wheedling pout.] No more emotions. Can we have sex now?
[The bluntness of the request makes Chris laugh and he nods before leaning in to kiss Huaisang lightly.]
Ever the pragmatist. Yes, I'd like that very much, lovely. Not in your fancy living room, though, I know this isn't usually where you take me. How about somewhere I can make a proper mess of you?
[Somewhere he could layer kisses and touches and use plenty of lubricant to prepare his lover before taking him so thoroughly he could only hope it acted as another layer of apology for his behavior. For his oversight.
[Huaisang nods and rises carefully to his feet, cheeks a little flushed with bashful pleasure.] Let's go up to my bedroom. I have the most, um, supplies there. And it's the most intimate.
[He reaches for Chris' hand, wanting to remain in physical contact with him, as close as possible. He still feels a little bit shaky emotionally, between the time they'd been separated, his own insecurity, and the emotional conversation they'd had, and so he desperately wants comfort and pleasure. He always craves intimacy, and now in particular he feels hopelessly needy.]
[He takes Huaisang's hand readily and stands to follow him to his room, though he takes care to remain close in his space even as they go. It was one of the bridges they'd needed to gap once, his hesitation with casual contact versus his friend's craving for it...but they'd managed that comfort. What space there was still to bridge and mend they could manage.
He's also careful to lean in and snag a kiss against Huaisang's hair and brow now and again, particularly once they reach the doorway of the room. It seems a good place to press in close and pin his lover, there in that archway.]
You tell me if you want fast and clinging or if you want slow and sweet or any mix thereof and it's yours to have. I am yours to have.
[Huaisang yields easily to him, relaxing against the doorframe and looking shyly up at Chris, cheeks flushing with pleasure at those words. He reaches for Chris, hands curling lightly around his sides.] You're going to make a mess of what we just agreed on romantic complications, talking like that. [Which he isn't necessarily ruling out, really, but today's priority started with clarifying expectations, and a statement like that makes Huaisang's heart flutter.]
You mean ... for the afternoon, that you're mine for the afternoon and you'll do your best to cater to my mood and desires for the afternoon. You didn't mean to imply anything more than that. [He offers the words tentatively, studying Chris' eyes for confirmation as to whether Huaisang's understanding it all correctly.]
[It's...his turn to blush, a turn of color across his cheeks that sees him giving a small, uncharacteristically shy smile even as he leans in to press their foreheads together. His hands come up, one to trace along the fabric at his chest and the other to thread up through the strands of his friend's hair starting at the base of his neck.]
...yes. But I can be yours as a lover...I would like to be...not just a friend who plays about, but a proper lover. Someone who cares for you that little bit more...and beyond this afternoon. As I said: as you need...as you desire. Would that be okay?
It might come with foolish pictures of things that make me think of you...and texts with ideas of what I might next do to you...just as fair warning. [He pauses and turns his face to kiss Huaisang's cheek.]
You can also tell me I've got to work for that again. Prove myself for it. I'll understand.
[Huaisang's hands tighten, curling into the fabric of Chris' shirt and keeping him close. His gaze flicks back and forth between Chris' eyes, studying his expression, wanting what Chris offers. Despite what he'd said earlier, about not wanting additional romantic complications, he knows full well that he always wants additional romantic complications. He wants to be wanted. He wants to feel valued and loved.]
Yes, [it's barely audible, voice rasping, so he clears his throat and tries again.] Yes.
I'd like ... I'd like that. All of it, but ... yes, including the last part. I mean ... prove yourself. Prove that I can rely on you, but also the ... [Struggling with putting his words together, Huaisang flusters about his own failure, ducking his head but still keeping Chris close. He likes that last part most of all, the prospect of Chris working to have him as a lover. His need to be liked by everyone he meets means that he is often the one putting in effort to charm and win over others. Having someone trying to win him over is absolutely irresistible.] Court me? Maybe?
[There's a flicker of a smile on Chris' lips for the 'yes' he's offered...and twice at that, but he keeps his peace and his curiosity as his friend works to find words. And what charming words they are. Charming and, perhaps, a little intimidating. When had he last properly courted someone in a courtly way? Perhaps never aside from the occasional displays he'd pulled on Jon and Wolfe for fun. Could he do them in seriousness and actually have them have impact? He was going to find out.
He reaches up to take Huaisang's hand and pulls one away from his shirt to bring it up. Chris' other hand tucks gently under his companion's chin to encourage his chin up and lock eyes with him when Chris brings his knuckles up to kiss.]
Then allow me to court you, my dear Huaisang. I will kiss your hand as is fitting and offer you dance when appropriate and leave you small trinkets that glimmer as you do. On my honor as Lord of the Sonom name and king of the Moonsea's Northern coast.
[Huaisang's cheeks feel like they're on fire, but he doesn't look away from Chris' eyes. He craves this, having someone tell him that he's valuable and desired, and yearns to have it proved to him. He needs it so much that receiving it is almost unbearable. The part of him that has internalized the beliefs that he's useless, undesirable, and disposable squirms in the face of Chris promising to value and desire him.
His breath quickens, heart thrashing in his chest, feeling close to panic as he fights the urge to retreat from such sincerity or to deflect it with a joke. Accepting being valued still feels like the hardest thing in the world.
He nods, throat too choked up to manage any words, and tightens his grip on Chris' fingers where those knuckles are being kissed. As much as he wants to relax, to be elegant and coy and aloof the way that subjects of courtship usually are in the romantic dramas that he loves so much, accepting this is hard enough. He can't not be intense about it.]
Take me to bed. Tie ... tie me up and take your time with me. [His words are choked, and he knows what he's asking for is both the hardest thing to accept, and also what he needs most: to have someone take care of him, and to be absolved of the need to be a people pleaser by being tied up so all he can do is accept the pleasure he's given.]
[He watches that near-panic build and waits it out quietly. He knows that terror: the possibility that someone might actually want you like you want them to want you...even though you don't think you deserve it. Especially because you don't think you deserve it. He's felt that fear grip his heart often enough when those nearest and dearest to him turned the full might of their attention and affection on him.
All the more reason to do exactly as he'd promised. He'd had no doubts, but he's even more determined while watching Huiasang struggle with himself
Even the ask itself feels transparent to him and his heart aches. Tie me up, give me no choice but to accept you mean it. He'd just need to make sure he left no doubts.]
As you say, my gem.
[Not an endearment he'd used before with anyone, but it fell from his lips and felt right enough to stay. He steps in close and doesn't have to bolster his strength with his magic to scoop Huaisang up in his arms to make him a spill of person and elegant fabrics gathered up against the cleric's chest. He strides towards the stairs and the path towards where they'd met more than once before.]
I'll wrap you in your silks and strip you down to your pretty and fine things so you don't ever forget you're as exquisite a sight as they are.
[He makes his promises until he can take them to his friend's bed to lay him gently out on the bedding. That he deserved too, to have something soft holding him while Chris wasn't while in those moments he needed to gather Huaisang's belt from his outfit and any spare silken sashes he could find.]
[Huaisang bites his lip and blushes more at the endearment. Happy to be gathered into Chris' arms, Huaisang presses close to him, arms hugged around Chris' neck as he nuzzles at his lover.
Huaisang's happy to let Chris untie his belt, but when Chris suggests using sashes for restraint Huaisang laughs and directs him to the drawer in his bedroom toy chest that contains plenty of silk ropes and other kinds of cuffs and restraints, along with many other toys and supplies.
He watches Chris intently, continuing to worry at his lower lip. He's hungry for more attention, more compliments and validation, all the more so now that it's been promised to him. But he still feels skittish that Chris will vanish, or he'll drive Chris away, that they'll quarrel, or that Chris will become displeased with him.]
[Chris takes the cue he's given and goes to the chest he'd forgotten about to fetch what he needs. Silken ropes in a pale blue, a soft cuff restraint for wrists, and a larger cloth restraint are all supplies he grabs along with lube.
He brings them back over to set up within reach but out of his way for now so he can focus on Huaisang's clothing instead. He's careful with his friend's undressing and every inch of skin slowly revealed through the unfolded layers receives tribute in the form of kisses, sucked marks, and a brush of tongue.
He has his lover half unwrapped when he asks the question he ought to.]
One of the restraints I brought over...I'd like to put it around your neck...at your throat. [He pauses to look up and gauge Huaisang's expression.] Would that be alright with you when paired with tying your wrists and spreading your thighs to be tied to your waist?
[Huaisang gasps softly at the soft kisses, moaning more deeply when Chris suckles at his skin. He arches up toward him, greedy as ever and only becoming more so as Chris lavishes attention on him.
The question makes his brow furrow a little, trying to make sense of what Chris has in mind.] I ... [He lifts his wrists up to his throat, imagining that maybe Chris means tying his wrists beside his throat, so the restraint winds around.] I've never had any interest in choking, but I like collars. I trust your tying skills. [He hopes that covers whatever question Chris is asking, providing permission for ropework that feels like a collar and doesn't choke.]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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Glancing over with interest at what Chris says about Hands, Huaisang studies his expression for an extra second before responding.] They weren't all new hires--Methos doesn't work for me. But you're right. I hired him to handle my higher-level investments. Peggy handles the finances of the store--salaries and bills, all that--and Javert sees to the household expenses, but I've mostly done the higher-level stuff myself. Much though I hate having to do work, I ... I'm a bureaucrat. [Huaisang wrinkles his nose. He loves bureaucracy, really, loves the opportunities it creates for doing things unnoticed, for hiding one's competence, and for accelerating or misplacing priorities as he deems fit. But he'd still rather not have to do it at all.] And it's very rare that I find people who have expertise in that kind of high-level bureaucratic and financial operations. It's not even that much--I've got one shop and a party venue, it's not like I'm here to run a business empire--but still. [He sighs deeply.] The bureaucratic systems here are amazing--they have these things called spreadsheets, which organize information ... nevermind. It's still work. So as much as I like it and value it and want it done, I'd rather not do it.
[Huaisang tries desperately to get himself to summarize or move on from the topic, since he assumes that Chris (like most people) has little interest in extended debates on economic theory.]
I've encountered three people in my time here in the city who can understand that to the level that I do--Hands might actually be better. He's got a broader skill set. Values information and resources, as you said. Anyway. Hired him on the spot. All my accounts at that level have been horribly neglected since I lost my last employee who did that.
Anyway. Sorry. I can talk for hours about administration and finance, it's awful.
It isn't that I don't want to talk. It's that I can't talk about myself.
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They had other things to talk about, surely. And it wasn't like Chris had sought out to own any businesses here, even though his dominants. He'd, in fact, avoided it for it being too like his responsibilities at home. At least his friend was using his skills productively, even if he didn't like to do it.]
I don't think it's awful. In another time, I'd have spent hours with you on the topic as it's near and dear to part of my duties back home as...functionally a Merchant Prince of my city afore I was ever named king...but that's beside the point and not relevant here.
But...I do want to know...why can't you talk about yourself? You're delightful and kind when appropriate and passionate about the things that hold your heart...what is there to want to avoid? [That same small smile flickers over his lips and he shakes his head.] In broader terms, if you'd rather...not to press you into something you quite literally just said you weren't comfortable with.
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[Huaisang waffles over the question, squirming in place a little and taking a sip of his drink. Chris points out what Huaisang otherwise would have, that he's asking about something that Huaisang just said he's not comfortable with, and yet he doesn't immediately rule out answering the question. The compliments help, and they sound far more positive than Huaisang would have expected (though Huaisang knows he still defaults to the assumption that even his close friends only just tolerate him).]
There are ... a lot of parts of it. I ... I'll try and hit on some of the highlights. Don't respond to any one part of it until I've got out as much as I can say, okay?
I was the younger son of a powerful nobleman, and I always disappointed him. I was never willing to change myself to conform to his expectations, and it meant that my older brother had to conform all the more, and he protected me, but I still ... have a certain belief that I should not draw attention to myself. That I can get away with what I want, but I'm a failure in all the things that I'm supposed to be, all the traits that are desirable in a man, all my duties to my sect, my people, my ancestors.
I was the weakest of all the children of all the major sects. By far. I was the useless one. The joke. People liked me because I made myself easy to like, because I was friendly and cheerful, but I was useless when anything important happened, so they left me behind. And then it just became ... normal. I was easy when people were around me, and when I wasn't around, people forgot me.
And I started to notice that there were ... advantages in that. I could get away with things, because no one expected anything from me. No one paid attention to me.
So, later, when I figured out that my brother's death had been murder, I realized that if his murderer ever realized I wasn't useless, then he'd kill me, too. I didn't have enough defenses to protect against that. I didn't have enough proof to expose him. All I could do was to be all the more useless, all the more forgettable, while I tried to figure out how to get enough proof to bring him down.
I was always isolated. Always overlooked and forgettable. But those ten years ... more than ten years. [Huaisang shakes his head, blinking away tears.] I was completely isolated. I became a caricature of myself. Useless, cowardly, frivolous.
To speak about myself, to acknowledge that I'm anything more than a shallow, cheery fool ... I spent so long in terror for my life, over that. To speak about myself brings up all those years of isolation and terror, because it's still so deeply ingrained in me that if my mask falters for even an instant, I will die, the world will be left under the influence of a cruel and murderous man who is guilty of almost every one of the ten abominations, and there will never be any justice for his victims.
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Still, he listens to the end without interrupting, even as some of what Huaisang says rings too close to home. Feeling like a failure to the expectations upon you. Having others protect you all your life...even the part about knowing death would be around the corner, should you ever let slip who you truly were...they had a few things in common he never could have guessed.
And still, it was different. Chris had come into his own when allowed to step further and further from Crystal. Huaisang had been backed into a corner and forced to dig deeper and deeper to keep safe.
Even if she'd been trapped by distance, Chris had always had Rhyt. Even Kayt...meanwhile, his friend's family was ice in the veins or blood at his heels. His mind darts back to the agony of finding Rhyt's body, of holding his twin sister's corpse...he'd had a course, a set path to heal. Huaisang hadn't.
Slowly, Chris holds a hand out in the space between them and when he speaks, his voice holds no judgement, only a cautious gentleness.]
May I wrap my arms around you afore I offer any thoughts.
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There's still tension running through Huaisang's body, defensive about having shared such vulnerable details, shaky from having dug up those devastating emotions, wary of treading wrong somehow while they're re-establishing trust between themselves. But he presses close to Chris, taking the comfort he needs.]
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You were suffering and scared and had no one to turn to. No one in your corner...that wasn't fair to you...and likely only hurt more the more it felt no one even noticed. I'm sorry you suffered that, it's more sharp than any knife I've seen and you bear the wounds with a head still held high.
So...that said...I hope you know I've only grown in respect for you in the last few minutes. What you've endured is a cruelty few can imagine or will know...who you were was who you needed to be...and there's no sin in that. It'll always be the hidden dagger under the love and care you wrap around yourself now. But...my earnest hope is that you'll be able to find the times and ways you can to set it down and try to heal as best you can...and I mean truly heal, not simply bury the pain and wounds with things you think will make it pretty and easier to bear. You deserve that much kindness to yourself.
You're worth that effort.
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I know, [he murmurs at last, once Chris has paused for Huaisang to reply.] It's been... almost four years here, I think? It must be. Three and a half. The first year and a half was ...... rough. Some of ... all of that had come here with me. I was able to process some of it, other parts were ... made worse. [But Huaisang doesn't like dwelling on that, so he moves on quickly.] Since then, I had some difficult times, especially in the wake of all that, but after the first year I always knew that I was loved here. I've always had people here to rely on, who care about me, more of them and more deeply than I ever would have expected. I've had the time and stability to heal. To ... find myself again.
The first two... two and a half years here, I wasn't sure who I was without the mask, if I no longer wanted to be the core of steel and I no longer could be the person I'd been before, the cheerful, innocent, ignorant--[Huaisang stops himself suddenly, with a surprised laugh, as he realizes something he'd never quite connected before.] I ... I was never that person, though, was I? The mask was only who they thought I was, and it only required me to play into those expectations. Telling people what they want to hear is the easiest thing in the world. [Or it is for Huaisang, anyway, but he's got both a natural talent and years of experience on that particular topic.]
Hm. [Huaisang holds up his hand to consider it, reflecting upon himself anew.] I've always been, at my core, just who I am now. Sly. Frivolous. Lazy. Soft-hearted but strong-willed. I divided myself into extremes, but I really was always just ... [He can't think of a word to encapsulate himself. Just Huaisang. He's always liked himself, always been satisfied with who he is. It's only ever been his place in the world or in the hearts of others that he's doubted.]
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But then Huaisang continues and there's that little laugh that draws Chris' attention further. That was...something connecting in the mind. Another thought coming along the first...and he waits for it.
And, again, his heart goes out to him anew. He couldn't possibly know every feeling or thought that might be going on behind those pretty eyes, but what he could glean...he could understand to some degree, at the least.]
You were who was expected...you were he who would survive...until you knew it was safe enough to let it fall away a bit more. Until you knew you could thrive and simply be you.
[He presses a kiss to Huaisang's head.]
Good. I'm glad. I'm glad, more, to know this you...the you you're wanting to be here and now. That's the man worth knowing...worth spending some time with.
[He pulls back a bit to better see his companion and press a kiss to his forehead, if allowed.]
I thank you for sharing him with me...sharing yourself with me...even as hard an ask as I know it was. Promise not to make too much habit of it.
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He reaches for his glass, taking a large gulp of the brandy before nestling back into Chris' arms. He feels emotionally worn out, wanting warmth and comfort now, to sink back into the luxury and pleasure that make up his life here and distance himself as much as possible from everything back home.]
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If the doors to this place opened tomorrow and we could leave to anywhere...what would you do?
I know what I would do...but I am...curious. For what similarities and differences lie between us, what you would settle on.
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I've built up safety here. As much as I'd like to travel, I don't know that I'd be willing to give up what I have. If there's another world where I could still have my luxuries, my fashion, my art, and as many people as I cared about who would all also be in that place?
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That is very fair...I don't know if such a world exists, but I've certainly considered it for myself. Just idly, mind, I don't think I could actually make the choice to go to another world, even with one of my loves. I...unfortunately, intend to go back home.
[Is it unfortunately? Doesn't he miss the Moonsea? Yes...he loves the Moonsea...he just hates how many bars it puts around him by being there. He absently presses his lips to Huaisang's hair and forehead.]
Though, if we'd no choice but to stay here ad make a life of it...I suppose I could make that as well. So long as certain things changed. Thank you, I was just...curious.
[Curious if his friend's demands and responsibilities pulled him the way Chris' do.]
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Finally over the line on how much vulnerability he's willing to endure, Huaisang pushes himself to sit up, giving Chris his most wheedling pout.] No more emotions. Can we have sex now?
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Ever the pragmatist. Yes, I'd like that very much, lovely. Not in your fancy living room, though, I know this isn't usually where you take me. How about somewhere I can make a proper mess of you?
[Somewhere he could layer kisses and touches and use plenty of lubricant to prepare his lover before taking him so thoroughly he could only hope it acted as another layer of apology for his behavior. For his oversight.
As well as a thank you for the openness.]
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[He reaches for Chris' hand, wanting to remain in physical contact with him, as close as possible. He still feels a little bit shaky emotionally, between the time they'd been separated, his own insecurity, and the emotional conversation they'd had, and so he desperately wants comfort and pleasure. He always craves intimacy, and now in particular he feels hopelessly needy.]
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He's also careful to lean in and snag a kiss against Huaisang's hair and brow now and again, particularly once they reach the doorway of the room. It seems a good place to press in close and pin his lover, there in that archway.]
You tell me if you want fast and clinging or if you want slow and sweet or any mix thereof and it's yours to have. I am yours to have.
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You mean ... for the afternoon, that you're mine for the afternoon and you'll do your best to cater to my mood and desires for the afternoon. You didn't mean to imply anything more than that. [He offers the words tentatively, studying Chris' eyes for confirmation as to whether Huaisang's understanding it all correctly.]
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...yes. But I can be yours as a lover...I would like to be...not just a friend who plays about, but a proper lover. Someone who cares for you that little bit more...and beyond this afternoon. As I said: as you need...as you desire. Would that be okay?
It might come with foolish pictures of things that make me think of you...and texts with ideas of what I might next do to you...just as fair warning. [He pauses and turns his face to kiss Huaisang's cheek.]
You can also tell me I've got to work for that again. Prove myself for it. I'll understand.
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Yes, [it's barely audible, voice rasping, so he clears his throat and tries again.] Yes.
I'd like ... I'd like that. All of it, but ... yes, including the last part. I mean ... prove yourself. Prove that I can rely on you, but also the ... [Struggling with putting his words together, Huaisang flusters about his own failure, ducking his head but still keeping Chris close. He likes that last part most of all, the prospect of Chris working to have him as a lover. His need to be liked by everyone he meets means that he is often the one putting in effort to charm and win over others. Having someone trying to win him over is absolutely irresistible.] Court me? Maybe?
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Charming and, perhaps, a little intimidating. When had he last properly courted someone in a courtly way? Perhaps never aside from the occasional displays he'd pulled on Jon and Wolfe for fun. Could he do them in seriousness and actually have them have impact?
He was going to find out.
He reaches up to take Huaisang's hand and pulls one away from his shirt to bring it up. Chris' other hand tucks gently under his companion's chin to encourage his chin up and lock eyes with him when Chris brings his knuckles up to kiss.]
Then allow me to court you, my dear Huaisang. I will kiss your hand as is fitting and offer you dance when appropriate and leave you small trinkets that glimmer as you do. On my honor as Lord of the Sonom name and king of the Moonsea's Northern coast.
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His breath quickens, heart thrashing in his chest, feeling close to panic as he fights the urge to retreat from such sincerity or to deflect it with a joke. Accepting being valued still feels like the hardest thing in the world.
He nods, throat too choked up to manage any words, and tightens his grip on Chris' fingers where those knuckles are being kissed. As much as he wants to relax, to be elegant and coy and aloof the way that subjects of courtship usually are in the romantic dramas that he loves so much, accepting this is hard enough. He can't not be intense about it.]
Take me to bed. Tie ... tie me up and take your time with me. [His words are choked, and he knows what he's asking for is both the hardest thing to accept, and also what he needs most: to have someone take care of him, and to be absolved of the need to be a people pleaser by being tied up so all he can do is accept the pleasure he's given.]
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All the more reason to do exactly as he'd promised. He'd had no doubts, but he's even more determined while watching Huiasang struggle with himself
Even the ask itself feels transparent to him and his heart aches. Tie me up, give me no choice but to accept you mean it.
He'd just need to make sure he left no doubts.]
As you say, my gem.
[Not an endearment he'd used before with anyone, but it fell from his lips and felt right enough to stay. He steps in close and doesn't have to bolster his strength with his magic to scoop Huaisang up in his arms to make him a spill of person and elegant fabrics gathered up against the cleric's chest. He strides towards the stairs and the path towards where they'd met more than once before.]
I'll wrap you in your silks and strip you down to your pretty and fine things so you don't ever forget you're as exquisite a sight as they are.
[He makes his promises until he can take them to his friend's bed to lay him gently out on the bedding. That he deserved too, to have something soft holding him while Chris wasn't while in those moments he needed to gather Huaisang's belt from his outfit and any spare silken sashes he could find.]
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Huaisang's happy to let Chris untie his belt, but when Chris suggests using sashes for restraint Huaisang laughs and directs him to the drawer in his bedroom toy chest that contains plenty of silk ropes and other kinds of cuffs and restraints, along with many other toys and supplies.
He watches Chris intently, continuing to worry at his lower lip. He's hungry for more attention, more compliments and validation, all the more so now that it's been promised to him. But he still feels skittish that Chris will vanish, or he'll drive Chris away, that they'll quarrel, or that Chris will become displeased with him.]
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He brings them back over to set up within reach but out of his way for now so he can focus on Huaisang's clothing instead. He's careful with his friend's undressing and every inch of skin slowly revealed through the unfolded layers receives tribute in the form of kisses, sucked marks, and a brush of tongue.
He has his lover half unwrapped when he asks the question he ought to.]
One of the restraints I brought over...I'd like to put it around your neck...at your throat. [He pauses to look up and gauge Huaisang's expression.] Would that be alright with you when paired with tying your wrists and spreading your thighs to be tied to your waist?
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The question makes his brow furrow a little, trying to make sense of what Chris has in mind.] I ... [He lifts his wrists up to his throat, imagining that maybe Chris means tying his wrists beside his throat, so the restraint winds around.] I've never had any interest in choking, but I like collars. I trust your tying skills. [He hopes that covers whatever question Chris is asking, providing permission for ropework that feels like a collar and doesn't choke.]
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