[It's said firmly, with a slight edge of anger and vengefulness, but then a small smirk twists into his dour features. He meets Huaisang's eyes. Oh, how the two of them could create hell, once they work out how not to be at each other's throats.]
[Emotionally drained after everything, Huaisang shifts over to rest his head in Hubert's lap.] Now you have me even more honest. What else do you wish to ask of me?
[From the way the statement trails off, Huaisang thinks that a question will follow after a pause, but it doesn't, so he sits up to study Hubert's face.] Do you forgive me?
[The fingers in his hair made him think that Hubert did, but he isn't sure what's unsaid behind Hubert's hesitation.]
[Huaisang sighs and nods, empathizing with that answer.] I have a temper.
... Runs in the family.
[He tucks back down into Hubert's lap, wanting those hands back in his hair. He nestles his cheek against Hubert's thigh, resting his hand on Hubert's knee.] That's the other thing that's easier about keeping people at arm's length. Keeping all my relationships shallow, so they don't see anything beyond the sweetness.
I think ... I mentioned quarreling with my husband?
I feel like I ought to just accept the blame. Accept that I'm difficult. I figure I'm probably not worth the trouble of dealing with that.
[Hubert's hands do go back into his hair at once.]
Hm. I am a difficult person, myself. It makes me quite sad at times, not being able to get along with others the way some people so easily do. But... I think that both of us are worth the trouble.
[Huaisang turns his head to look up at Hubert at that, giving him a fond smile.] I'm glad you think so. I definitely still struggle enormously with believing that people will still want me around even after they've seen more than just the sweet and frivolous side of me. I used to struggle with believing that people wanted me around even when that was all they saw, and I would try to modify myself to fit whatever I thought they wanted. I wore myself out trying to do that here, only ever catering to other people's desires and kinks. It's been amazing to me that people like me even better when I'm bold about what I want rather than trying to shape myself to suit them. And I've gotten much better believing that I am desirable.
To be clear, I have never thought of you as simply sweet and frivolous. You're much more complex than that, even from first impression.
At times I wish I had a more palatable mask to show people, such as your sweetness, so I might have a smoother experience here. But I think you're right, it is better to embrace ourselves and allow people who cannot handle it to weed themselves out.
Yes. [Huaisang nods, sitting up enough to shift into Hubert's lap, snuggling close into his arms because he wants to cling. He tucks his face against the side of Hubert's neck with a tiny little whimper.] It's better to have people who want us as we are rather than to try and pretend. I do believe--or I want to believe, and try to make it true--that the sweet, fun side of me is the truest side. I'm happiest when I never have to be hard and cold and calculating. But that side of me is always there, protecting me and making sure I have defenses and escape routes.
Yes, I know what that is like. I have always had to be that way to keep Her Majesty safe.
[His protectiveness served them well back then, but here in Duplicity, people tend to hate it. So he's trying to figure out how to compromise on it without feeling terrified.]
I'm tired, Hubert. [Huaisang sighs, sorrowful and apologetic, curling tighter into himself with his cheek still on Hubert's thigh.] Tired of having to be guarded and suspicious and calculating.
[Huaisang nods, quiet and subdued, staring into space.] I do feel safe with you. [He leaves it at that, not wanting to get into any of it further. Easier to just push it all aside and move on, to focus on the happy things in his life and repress the rest of it.]
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[It's said firmly, with a slight edge of anger and vengefulness, but then a small smirk twists into his dour features. He meets Huaisang's eyes. Oh, how the two of them could create hell, once they work out how not to be at each other's throats.]
Thank you. I'm sorry I was sharp as well.
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Oh, I don't know...
[He almost fears another question will just prompt more arguments. He doesn't really wish to pry further, lest he fall into some trap.]
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[The fingers in his hair made him think that Hubert did, but he isn't sure what's unsaid behind Hubert's hesitation.]
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[He looks down. For once, he wishes he was less stubborn, better at getting along with people.]
You can ask me anything you like, though.
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... Runs in the family.
[He tucks back down into Hubert's lap, wanting those hands back in his hair. He nestles his cheek against Hubert's thigh, resting his hand on Hubert's knee.] That's the other thing that's easier about keeping people at arm's length. Keeping all my relationships shallow, so they don't see anything beyond the sweetness.
I think ... I mentioned quarreling with my husband?
I feel like I ought to just accept the blame. Accept that I'm difficult. I figure I'm probably not worth the trouble of dealing with that.
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Hm. I am a difficult person, myself. It makes me quite sad at times, not being able to get along with others the way some people so easily do. But... I think that both of us are worth the trouble.
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At times I wish I had a more palatable mask to show people, such as your sweetness, so I might have a smoother experience here. But I think you're right, it is better to embrace ourselves and allow people who cannot handle it to weed themselves out.
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[His protectiveness served them well back then, but here in Duplicity, people tend to hate it. So he's trying to figure out how to compromise on it without feeling terrified.]
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It is tiresome. I suppose you just have to find solace in those you do trust.
[His thumb strokes at Huaisang's temple.]
wrap?