Huaisang, I am at my wit's end. It troubles me greatly to tell you that Hubert has not come home in some time, and my messages and calls do not reach him. I am left to fear the worst...
Have you seen him within the past few days, by any chance?
[Ferdinand indeed shows up within the hour, drained of any of the warmth or spirit that lifts his demeanor on a normal day. His current concern is etched deep into his brow, the thoughts that draw them ever possessing him.]
[All of the bottled emotion he suppressed while stressing over finding anything out at all about Hubert's location and whether he is safe or not is squeezed up into his tightening throat at the hug, which he returns readily, matching the tightness and leaning his head down against his. When he speaks, he sounds wounded, uncharacteristically quiet.]
When people go from here, [Huaisang murmurs, staying hugged close for now,] they often return again. Sometimes it can be a slightly different version of them--people say there are different worlds, each slightly different, like echoes. But often they'll return with new memories from home.
I went, once. I came back two months later, with no new memories, but also I was unharmed, and I had every memory of being here.
[He lifts his head, giving Ferdinand a soft smile.] He might come back in a month or six, Ferdinand. And he's likely to still remember you. He'll definitely still love you.
[This is a significantly sugar-coated version of what Huaisang actually believes, but it's not untrue.]
[In the state that he is in, Ferdinand longs like nothing else to believe in the best outcome... that if he is to be here at all, he would remember all that they had shared here. He tries a smile, but it doesn't erase the hurt suffusing the draw of his taut expression.]
I should... be happier about this, if it is true that he is no longer a subject in this study. That he no longer must suffer any experiments or be otherwise tampered with thanks to the LIEs Program. Must I choose between preserving him from the indignities and the altered sense of purpose here, and selfishly indulging in the love that we found together... I would spare him without any question.
[But Ferdinand's voice is so small when he says this.]
If you could act to help him, of course you could. But you had no choice in this and there's nothing you can do. Your unhappiness is that he's separated from you and that's something you're very much allowed to feel.
[Huaisang gently pulls back so that he can draw Ferdinand inside, leading him into the living room so they can curl up together on one of the couches.]
[Being told that there is nothing he can do comforts Ferdinand not in the slightest, but having his source of unhappiness extracted from the guilt of feeling it does. He is content to allow Huaisang to guide him wherever he wants, and the couch is perfect for him. He thinks to take his shoes off before going too far into the living space, the promise of curling up on cushions to be consoled by a friend and a lover he had shared with Hubert too compelling to deny.
Once there, he settles down first, back against the corner of one of the sofas. He reaches for Huaisang, entreating him into his arms with a rather pathetic pout.]
It has been merely a couple of days, and yet, I miss him as though it has been months... How is my heart to survive?
[Huaisang snuggles at once into Ferdinand's arms, bending his knees up and leaning them against Ferdinand's lap.]
There are many ways to survive, [Huaisang says, starting to speak before he knows what he's going to say. He just lets the words flow, trusting himself.] You'll live. You, the strongest knight of ... [the difficult place-name] your lands.
Your heart--maybe you'll grieve forever. Maybe you'll meet him again, sooner or later.
That's what living is. Bleeding with love for those you've lost, but still carrying on to love those that you still have. Even if none of them can ever fill the wound in your heart.
It's okay to feel sad, Ferdinand. It's okay to grieve. And I'll do my best to help your heart survive.
[he supplies at prompting. Ferdinand squeezes him to his chest, takes in his every word painful and encouraging. In the end, it is more the latter, and his inner strength rises to suppress the helpless sort of sadness that had been threatening to drown him. How precious Huaisang is to him resounds in his chest, and he begins to trail fingers through his long hair with a deep sigh.]
With you here, I am definitely stronger. I will not give in to despair. I... love him. I really, truly do. But he would not wish for me to wallow in ineffectual loss and ache, either. I will survive the blows, however many come my way. You are so right. That is the price one must pay to love, and its worth shall leave me with no regrets.
[Huaisang lifts his head and smiles, glad that his words could help Ferdinand.] Do still allow yourself the sadness. Don't try to quench that grief. Carry it, and also survive. You can do both.
[Nestling his head on Ferdinand's shoulder, Huaisang falls quiet, glad that he is able to be here for him.]
[Ferdinand can't help it when he smiles at him like that; he smiles back, delicately, cups his face, and cranes down the short distance to crown his forehead with a kiss.]
Thank you for reminding me of this. I may be disheartened, but I will not stop living. Even if LIEs saw fit to take what we had away from me, I believe that I will see him again someday.
[It would be nicer if that place could be where they belong, at their emperor's sides, but at the same time... he would find himself missing his friend here. But that is... life, is it not? The bonds they make, fragile. But he would hate to avoid having others touch his life deeply out of a fear of loss.]
Good. I'm glad. Now, have you eaten? You have to keep up your strength.
[Huaisang studies him worriedly, suspecting that Ferdinand has probably been too distraught to take care of himself the past few days. He still wants to keep Ferdinand close, but he also intends to do his best to make sure Ferdinand eats.]
[Ferdinand's brow lifts as the question takes him momentarily off-guard, and then he looks somewhat apologetic.]
My thoughts have been far from food, so... no, as you indeed suspect, I cannot recall the last time that I had a bite to eat. Despite this, I am anything but hungry.
[It feels as though it would take seeing Hubert smile at him to whet that appetite back into any shape.]
You've got to try and eat something. Hubert would want you to take care of yourself.
[He leans up to kiss Ferdinand's cheek.] Wait here a moment.
[ Stepping into the kitchen nearby, Huaisang fetches some steamed buns from the fridge and brings them to Ferdinand, returning to curl at his side. ] Try eating just one?
[Yes... Hubert would nag him, too, even though he would be one to talk about not eating properly, what with how suspicious the food in this place made him. Ferdinand consoles and privately entertains himself with the notion that in some way, Hubert was conveying this directive to eat through Huaisang, even though he is most likely gone. It makes it feel as though he is... here, some way, in spirit, being exercised through Huaisang's will.
Huaisang returns with the bun and his presence, the latter of which he sidles up next to. He prods at the doughy offering, then takes one into his hand with curiosity decorating his expression.]
I will try harder for you. And for Hubert, of course. [He musters the will to try eating his offering and gives it an experimental nibble, finding it inoffensive and easy on the palate, the texture pleasing and encouraging him to take a second bite. Already this is going well.]
[Huaisang eats one as well, in order to set a good example. The dough is filled with a spiced meat, delicately prepared. It's soothing comfort food, warm and filling.
He stays close against Ferdinand's side, grateful for the warmth and strength of him.] Do you want to stay over at all? I'd be glad to have you here for a night or two. I don't want you to be alone while you're feeling like this.
[Ferdinand chews the last bite he had thoughtfully, nodding over until his head rests atop his friend's.]
I appreciate and accept your invitation. Being here in your home and in your presence is heartening. I believe it would be better for me.
[Dare he hope that maybe... he would sometime come around to letting his stay be a little more permanent? They have grown closer since the first day he showed up here to have tea with him and get a bit more acclimated to their expectations, after all. But after his reaction to the possibility of falling for him, he might still harbor some reservations about the idea of letting him contract as a friend with all the benefits of a lover. After all, he had made it extremely obvious how much he felt for Hubert, and he would not be able to get over that so easily. And all told, they have only really known each other for a few months. Did he want to save his contract for someone else? Was it really his place to ask to be taken care of to that extent? It was kind enough of him to extend it even this far.
Ferdinand sighs at the trouble brewing in his heart.]
If he is gone, then... I do not think that I will be permitted to stay there for much longer, anyway.
Good. I'm glad you'll stay. [Huaisang jams the last bite in his mouth and hugs his arms tight around his friend, holding on fiercely. But his grip softens at Ferdinand's next words, because he wants to lift his head to see Ferdinand's face. He remains tucked close, arms around Ferdinand's waist.]
Yes. I don't remember ... do they give you some kind of buffer, at least, so you don't have to move immediately? I do not want you to have to go to the public housing in the down, but I also don't want you to be rushed in having to think about what to do next.
Oh. Right. I'm sorry, darling, I wasn't thinking. They haven't made you move yet, anyway. I think I remember you having a month grace period upon loss of a dominant, before you have to leave your housing. So you do have some time to figure out what you might want to do.
[It's occurred to Huaisang, too, that he might be one of Ferdinand's top choices for a contract, and he'd be glad to have him. He's fairly certain that Hannibal would be amenable to this. Once, Huaisang had loved having his house full of two or three submissives who all adored him, but his time with Javert had made him wary of picking up any contract unless it was very, very serious. It's hard to break that habit of feeling like he can't offer a contract.
More importantly, though, it seems all too soon to offer. Huaisang wants him to know he has a safety net, but Huaisang isn't sure if Ferdinand's ready to think of such things yet.]
That would be nice. It would be a rough transition for a Submissive to be told to pack everything and go back to the Down...
[He does not much like the Down, nor the sad little apartment they are given. Or maybe he is just spoiled. Ferdinand takes another bite of the bun, the flavor of the interior quite strong to him yet marvelously delicious, stimulating to his appetite, and makes sure to swallow it down before attempting to speak again.]
I will have to mull over my options, and perhaps meet some new Dominants. There might even be some out there who have yet to contract, and if they are a kind person who I get along with, it would be nice to be able to help them avoid the fate that happens to those who go uncontracted for too long. I understand that... you may still have reservations about contracting with just anyone, and I would like to respect that. These decisions should not be rushed. However, if I am to find myself in a bind with the deadline edging too close... would you ever consider contracting with me, even for just three months?
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
un: ferdinand_von_aegir [text] (sometime during June's event in July)
Have you seen him within the past few days, by any chance?
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Do you want to come over? I can provide cuddles and company while you're figuring things out.
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[Ferdinand indeed shows up within the hour, drained of any of the warmth or spirit that lifts his demeanor on a normal day. His current concern is etched deep into his brow, the thoughts that draw them ever possessing him.]
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What if he is truly... gone?
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I went, once. I came back two months later, with no new memories, but also I was unharmed, and I had every memory of being here.
[He lifts his head, giving Ferdinand a soft smile.] He might come back in a month or six, Ferdinand. And he's likely to still remember you. He'll definitely still love you.
[This is a significantly sugar-coated version of what Huaisang actually believes, but it's not untrue.]
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I should... be happier about this, if it is true that he is no longer a subject in this study. That he no longer must suffer any experiments or be otherwise tampered with thanks to the LIEs Program. Must I choose between preserving him from the indignities and the altered sense of purpose here, and selfishly indulging in the love that we found together... I would spare him without any question.
[But Ferdinand's voice is so small when he says this.]
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[Huaisang gently pulls back so that he can draw Ferdinand inside, leading him into the living room so they can curl up together on one of the couches.]
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Once there, he settles down first, back against the corner of one of the sofas. He reaches for Huaisang, entreating him into his arms with a rather pathetic pout.]
It has been merely a couple of days, and yet, I miss him as though it has been months... How is my heart to survive?
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There are many ways to survive, [Huaisang says, starting to speak before he knows what he's going to say. He just lets the words flow, trusting himself.] You'll live. You, the strongest knight of ... [the difficult place-name] your lands.
Your heart--maybe you'll grieve forever. Maybe you'll meet him again, sooner or later.
That's what living is. Bleeding with love for those you've lost, but still carrying on to love those that you still have. Even if none of them can ever fill the wound in your heart.
It's okay to feel sad, Ferdinand. It's okay to grieve. And I'll do my best to help your heart survive.
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[he supplies at prompting. Ferdinand squeezes him to his chest, takes in his every word painful and encouraging. In the end, it is more the latter, and his inner strength rises to suppress the helpless sort of sadness that had been threatening to drown him. How precious Huaisang is to him resounds in his chest, and he begins to trail fingers through his long hair with a deep sigh.]
With you here, I am definitely stronger. I will not give in to despair. I... love him. I really, truly do. But he would not wish for me to wallow in ineffectual loss and ache, either. I will survive the blows, however many come my way. You are so right. That is the price one must pay to love, and its worth shall leave me with no regrets.
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[Nestling his head on Ferdinand's shoulder, Huaisang falls quiet, glad that he is able to be here for him.]
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Thank you for reminding me of this. I may be disheartened, but I will not stop living. Even if LIEs saw fit to take what we had away from me, I believe that I will see him again someday.
[It would be nicer if that place could be where they belong, at their emperor's sides, but at the same time... he would find himself missing his friend here. But that is... life, is it not? The bonds they make, fragile. But he would hate to avoid having others touch his life deeply out of a fear of loss.]
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[Huaisang studies him worriedly, suspecting that Ferdinand has probably been too distraught to take care of himself the past few days. He still wants to keep Ferdinand close, but he also intends to do his best to make sure Ferdinand eats.]
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My thoughts have been far from food, so... no, as you indeed suspect, I cannot recall the last time that I had a bite to eat. Despite this, I am anything but hungry.
[It feels as though it would take seeing Hubert smile at him to whet that appetite back into any shape.]
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[He leans up to kiss Ferdinand's cheek.] Wait here a moment.
[ Stepping into the kitchen nearby, Huaisang fetches some steamed buns from the fridge and brings them to Ferdinand, returning to curl at his side. ] Try eating just one?
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Huaisang returns with the bun and his presence, the latter of which he sidles up next to. He prods at the doughy offering, then takes one into his hand with curiosity decorating his expression.]
I will try harder for you. And for Hubert, of course. [He musters the will to try eating his offering and gives it an experimental nibble, finding it inoffensive and easy on the palate, the texture pleasing and encouraging him to take a second bite. Already this is going well.]
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He stays close against Ferdinand's side, grateful for the warmth and strength of him.] Do you want to stay over at all? I'd be glad to have you here for a night or two. I don't want you to be alone while you're feeling like this.
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I appreciate and accept your invitation. Being here in your home and in your presence is heartening. I believe it would be better for me.
[Dare he hope that maybe... he would sometime come around to letting his stay be a little more permanent? They have grown closer since the first day he showed up here to have tea with him and get a bit more acclimated to their expectations, after all. But after his reaction to the possibility of falling for him, he might still harbor some reservations about the idea of letting him contract as a friend with all the benefits of a lover. After all, he had made it extremely obvious how much he felt for Hubert, and he would not be able to get over that so easily. And all told, they have only really known each other for a few months. Did he want to save his contract for someone else? Was it really his place to ask to be taken care of to that extent? It was kind enough of him to extend it even this far.
Ferdinand sighs at the trouble brewing in his heart.]
If he is gone, then... I do not think that I will be permitted to stay there for much longer, anyway.
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Yes. I don't remember ... do they give you some kind of buffer, at least, so you don't have to move immediately? I do not want you to have to go to the public housing in the down, but I also don't want you to be rushed in having to think about what to do next.
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I do not know, seeing as this is the first time I have lost my contract partner.
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[It's occurred to Huaisang, too, that he might be one of Ferdinand's top choices for a contract, and he'd be glad to have him. He's fairly certain that Hannibal would be amenable to this. Once, Huaisang had loved having his house full of two or three submissives who all adored him, but his time with Javert had made him wary of picking up any contract unless it was very, very serious. It's hard to break that habit of feeling like he can't offer a contract.
More importantly, though, it seems all too soon to offer. Huaisang wants him to know he has a safety net, but Huaisang isn't sure if Ferdinand's ready to think of such things yet.]
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[He does not much like the Down, nor the sad little apartment they are given. Or maybe he is just spoiled. Ferdinand takes another bite of the bun, the flavor of the interior quite strong to him yet marvelously delicious, stimulating to his appetite, and makes sure to swallow it down before attempting to speak again.]
I will have to mull over my options, and perhaps meet some new Dominants. There might even be some out there who have yet to contract, and if they are a kind person who I get along with, it would be nice to be able to help them avoid the fate that happens to those who go uncontracted for too long. I understand that... you may still have reservations about contracting with just anyone, and I would like to respect that. These decisions should not be rushed. However, if I am to find myself in a bind with the deadline edging too close... would you ever consider contracting with me, even for just three months?
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