[Huaisang is so touched by his sweetness and loyalty. He smiles softly, yearning but still a little sad. His thumb traces Xue Yang's lower lip as he turns over his words in his mind, then his lips suddenly quirk with a smile.] How could I be angry or frustrated with you when you've always been so very good at doing as I ask?
[Huaisang does enjoy that. He loves how Xue Yang is good at throwing around physical dominance, but it's Huaisang who likes giving commands and having them obeyed.]
Mm it's a habit now, but even if it wasn't, I would do what you ask of me.
[He parts his lips against the thumb and sucks on the finger seductively. Huaisang is sweet - he loves that about him - but he isn't blinded to the fact that he is also cunning. Nie Mingjue had the deep morality and the strength, but Nie Huaisang has the sharp mind and ability to act very well.]
[Huaisang smiles at the sucking on his finger, admiring how Xue Yang looks when he's being wickedly seductive, and for a moment he's simply lost in affection adn desire.
But then a thought crosses his mind and his brow furrows a little, frown returning.]
A-Yang? [His voice wavers a little, hesitant.] I... I need to know very specifically what you're okay with. I... made out with Wei Wuxian for a bit when I first arrived here. Fully in his lap kissing. Are kisses okay?
[Can he blame Huaisang for kissing Wei Wuxian? Hardly. He has had a crush on the man since he first heard about the dreaded Yiling Patriarch. All the same, he grazes Huaisang's thumb with his teeth, letting him feel the sharpness of his incisors.]
Would you be okay if I kissed someone else? Hanguang-Jun? Wuxian? Someone you don't know?
Of course. [Huaisang nods immediately, completely calm about the prospect. He's insecure about his lovers not wanting him any more, but he likes the idea of his lovers with other people. He has no jealousy in his nature, and the thought of Xue Yang kissing Wei Wuxian is hot. He wiggles slightly in Xue Yang's arms, eyes darkening with lust.] Especially if I can watch. But even if I can't. I don't mind at all.
[His brows rise and he leans in, kissing Huaisang lightly, teasingly.]
So I get worked up with someone else and climb into your bed. [He cocks his head, snorting.] Kissing is fine, I guess. But leave the sex for me or Daozhang.
[Huaisang giggles delightedly, returning the kisses despite his laughter.]
All right. [He can live with those terms, and he's glad to have the clear specification for what's allowed.] Fortunately you're both very good at giving me lots and lots of orgasms.
I like giving you orgasms. [Xue Yang snuggles against him, breathing in his scent and curling his arms around him.] I like being with you, A-Sang. I don't want to lose you.
You won't lose me. Being with you makes me so happy. [Huaisang snuggles against him in return, cozy against their sleeping lover's side. Infatuated, Huaisang draws him into a sweet, lingering kiss, happy to just lie here and make out with him for hours.]
[Making someone happy is new and wonderful. Xue Yang moans quietly, kissing Huaisang tenderly, slowly, tasting his lips until his head feels like it is spinning.]
SangSang, I need you. [The honesty comes from his heart and he bites his lip, feeling shy.]
I need you, too. [Huaisang smiles, glad to have made his lover laugh.] In my life. As my lover. Also inside me right now.
[Huaisang is terrible at keeping quiet during sex, but he will try his best. And if they do wake Xingchen, he can simply watch or join in, whatever he likes.]
[He draws Huaisang into a loving kiss, crawling over him as carefully as possible. If Xingchen wakes up, the more the merrier! But he deserves his sleep just as much as Huaisang deserves his love. Xue Yang runs his hands over his lover's soft skin, smiling like he has been given a wonderful present.]
[Huaisang spreads his legs, inviting Xue Yang between them. He sighs with pleasure into the kiss, reaching up to wind his arms around Xue Yang's neck.]
You're so handsome, A-Yang.
[Huaisang grins at him, happy to be able to flirt.]
[He looks gleeful, tucking himself between Huaisang's thighs, his hands resting on them. The hold brings their faces close and he tugs his lover's lips between his teeth.]
Have you always thought that? Or was I really scary before?
I've always thought that! Before you were just handsome and scary.
[His expression faltered a bit, turning slightly conflicted.] When I saw you at the Chang clan's residence... You were so frightening. But you were handsome, too. Charming. Though you didn't even look at me.
[Or if he had, Huaisang hadn't noticed. There were so many other people, so many things happening. Huaisang's attention had been distracted.]
Did you look at me? [Huaisang's smile flickers briefly, there for a moment and then gone.]
You didn't matter then, A-Yang. Whoever you might be as a person, it was wholly overshadowed by what you'd done. Reputation is larger than us, A-Yang. It can be a wall that keeps anyone from seeing what's within.
Sometimes I still think of that courtyard. Those bodies. The things you did to them. The looks of terror on their dead faces.
[A risky conversation to be having with Xue Yang, he knows. Part of him can't seem to help it. Part of him wants to be honest. He's still terrified of what Xue Yang has done and is capable of doing. Part of him wants to test Xue Yang, to see if he really will stay gentle as a kitten when Huaisang reminds him of his crimes.]
I did. I got a good long look at you. [He stretches out, almost playful, before the subject darkens and his past deeds come back to haunt him. Again. They are continuously nipping at his heels! He closes his eyes against the desperate feeling of power the murders had given him, knowing it isn't really what he has always sought.]
They paid for my hand. It probably doesn't make sense to you or anyone else, but because I couldn't kill the man who did this...
[He raises the braced hand.]
I killed them instead. I needed...vengeance. It's difficult to explain.
[Huaisang's quiet and calm, watching Xue Yang through low-lidded eyes. It's an immense expression of trust for him, in its own way, to let Xue Yang see him think.
He understands vengeance, though this form is very, very different from what he can comprehend. Huaisang risked the lives of innocents repeatedly to meet his goals. But Huaisang had done that for vengeance against the actual man, trying to minimize the damage outside of that.
Was it necessary for them to die in suffering?]
You enjoyed it.
[That's the real accusation here, the real thing Huaisang cannot understand or forgive. Vengeance, yes. But to take such glee in vengeance, especially when turned against innocent victims, that turns Huaisang's blood cold.]
[Laughter is supposed to be a beautiful expression of joy. Xue Yang hasn't known much - if any - joy in his life. When he laughed that night, it had been a combination of pain, bitterness, sorrow and the realization that even the bodies at his feet wouldn't free him of what had happened when he was a child.]
I enjoyed...rising up. Having power. Using something I created to...I thought...undo what had happened.
[His brow furrows under the scrutiny and he looks at Huaisang warily.]
But it's still ruined. [He laughs suddenly, sharply.] I'm not...better.
[There's still no judgement on Huaisang's face. No horror or disgust, but no acceptance or forgiveness, either. Simply observation. He sees what Xue Yang is and what he has done, and does not turn away.
Xue Yang's still laying between Huaisang's legs, with only the thin fabric of their undergarments between them. It's a deeply vulnerable position, especially for Huaisang, but his body remains relaxed. He knows Xue Yang will not hurt him.
Xue Yang was capable of great cruelty. Some of it he'd chosen, some of it he was assigned to do, turned toward killing like the blade that he was.
Huaisang trusted him here and now, in this moment, but he still needed to understand the circumstances under which Xue Yang might turn and torture him and Xingchen to death. He needed to understand how to avoid that.] How do you want to be better?
[Don't drag him through the streets by his hair, deny him sweets and/or crush his hand with a cart. Those would all be excellent starts. Then again, he is grown now and the scars from the wounds he endured as a child don't have the same effect on him.
He sits up and rests his hands against the bedding on either side of Huaisang. Better is a complicated word and his gaze darkens as he considers it.]
I want to have a home and, maybe, something like a family. I don't mind fighting, but it feels like all I have. I'm useful. I'm like a sword, A-Sang, and there is more to me. It's just nobody bothered to look or ask.
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[Huaisang does enjoy that. He loves how Xue Yang is good at throwing around physical dominance, but it's Huaisang who likes giving commands and having them obeyed.]
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[He parts his lips against the thumb and sucks on the finger seductively. Huaisang is sweet - he loves that about him - but he isn't blinded to the fact that he is also cunning. Nie Mingjue had the deep morality and the strength, but Nie Huaisang has the sharp mind and ability to act very well.]
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But then a thought crosses his mind and his brow furrows a little, frown returning.]
A-Yang? [His voice wavers a little, hesitant.] I... I need to know very specifically what you're okay with. I... made out with Wei Wuxian for a bit when I first arrived here. Fully in his lap kissing. Are kisses okay?
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Would you be okay if I kissed someone else? Hanguang-Jun? Wuxian? Someone you don't know?
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So I get worked up with someone else and climb into your bed. [He cocks his head, snorting.] Kissing is fine, I guess. But leave the sex for me or Daozhang.
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All right. [He can live with those terms, and he's glad to have the clear specification for what's allowed.] Fortunately you're both very good at giving me lots and lots of orgasms.
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SangSang, I need you. [The honesty comes from his heart and he bites his lip, feeling shy.]
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I meant us being together. I need you in my life. [However...] If we're quiet, we might not wake Daozhang.
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[Huaisang is terrible at keeping quiet during sex, but he will try his best. And if they do wake Xingchen, he can simply watch or join in, whatever he likes.]
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You're so pretty, A-Sang.
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You're so handsome, A-Yang.
[Huaisang grins at him, happy to be able to flirt.]
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Have you always thought that? Or was I really scary before?
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[His expression faltered a bit, turning slightly conflicted.] When I saw you at the Chang clan's residence... You were so frightening. But you were handsome, too. Charming. Though you didn't even look at me.
[Or if he had, Huaisang hadn't noticed. There were so many other people, so many things happening. Huaisang's attention had been distracted.]
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[Xue Yang pouts and huffs.]
I did look at you. You just didn't see me.
Almost like I didn't matter.
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You didn't matter then, A-Yang. Whoever you might be as a person, it was wholly overshadowed by what you'd done. Reputation is larger than us, A-Yang. It can be a wall that keeps anyone from seeing what's within.
Sometimes I still think of that courtyard. Those bodies. The things you did to them. The looks of terror on their dead faces.
[A risky conversation to be having with Xue Yang, he knows. Part of him can't seem to help it. Part of him wants to be honest. He's still terrified of what Xue Yang has done and is capable of doing. Part of him wants to test Xue Yang, to see if he really will stay gentle as a kitten when Huaisang reminds him of his crimes.]
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They paid for my hand. It probably doesn't make sense to you or anyone else, but because I couldn't kill the man who did this...
[He raises the braced hand.]
I killed them instead. I needed...vengeance. It's difficult to explain.
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He understands vengeance, though this form is very, very different from what he can comprehend. Huaisang risked the lives of innocents repeatedly to meet his goals. But Huaisang had done that for vengeance against the actual man, trying to minimize the damage outside of that.
Was it necessary for them to die in suffering?]
You enjoyed it.
[That's the real accusation here, the real thing Huaisang cannot understand or forgive. Vengeance, yes. But to take such glee in vengeance, especially when turned against innocent victims, that turns Huaisang's blood cold.]
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I enjoyed...rising up. Having power. Using something I created to...I thought...undo what had happened.
[His brow furrows under the scrutiny and he looks at Huaisang warily.]
But it's still ruined. [He laughs suddenly, sharply.] I'm not...better.
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Xue Yang's still laying between Huaisang's legs, with only the thin fabric of their undergarments between them. It's a deeply vulnerable position, especially for Huaisang, but his body remains relaxed. He knows Xue Yang will not hurt him.
Xue Yang was capable of great cruelty. Some of it he'd chosen, some of it he was assigned to do, turned toward killing like the blade that he was.
Huaisang trusted him here and now, in this moment, but he still needed to understand the circumstances under which Xue Yang might turn and torture him and Xingchen to death. He needed to understand how to avoid that.] How do you want to be better?
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He sits up and rests his hands against the bedding on either side of Huaisang. Better is a complicated word and his gaze darkens as he considers it.]
I want to have a home and, maybe, something like a family. I don't mind fighting, but it feels like all I have. I'm useful. I'm like a sword, A-Sang, and there is more to me. It's just nobody bothered to look or ask.
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I like your sword. [A tiny, wicked little quirk of his lips.] Both kinds.
You are more to me than your usefulness. You're more than your sword. More than your skill in bed.
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