I know. [Huaisang nuzzles at him and kisses Xingchen's hair again.] It would be okay even if you were. I'm sorry I hurt you. I'm sorry I told you all that.
[Foolish Huaisang. Foolish to trust, to let anyone see the manipulator beneath the mask, to think that anyone in the world could cope with the truth of their own lives. He knows he can't.
Suddenly this place, in all its stark, vicious hypocrisy, seems more right than anything Huaisang has known before. He is a liar, a manipulator, composed of deceit that he turns against himself as much as anyone unfortunate enough to be involved with him.
He wants to beg Xingchen not to take his life again, but such a plea just seems even more cruel. If Xingchen can't bear it, Huaisang isn't selfish enough to demand that he endure just to make Huaisang's life easier.
All he knows how to do is to regress into the safety of ignorance.] It's just rumor, Xingchen. It's probably not even true. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
[ His breath shudders out as he tries to hold on. He doesn't know why he tries. Why he bothers. He's just a selfish idiot who is still far too ignorant and trusting.
Xingchen can't bring himself to remove his lover from his lap though. Selfish and needy, greedy for comfort and affection.
Affection starved.
Longing for his other half...who he has betrayed in so many ways he feels himself start to shatter apart again.
A rumor. A dagger to a heart that already has gaping cracks in it. ]
I can't...forget what you have said...what it could mean...I can't.
[Huaisang just holds him tight, pressing his cheek against Xingchen's hair. He doesn't know what else to do. He doesn't know how badly he's messed this all up. Huaisang was weak, and he let Xingchen's question get under his skin. He'd been too honest, and he should know better. The only safety was in foolishness.
That was the only way anyone would ever love him, after all. Huaisang, the sweet fool.
He keeps quiet, trying at least not to make the situation any worse.]
I don't know, Daozhang. I don't know. [Huaisang presses his face into Xingchen's hair, scared of losing him, guilty about hurting him, terrified that his own carelessness will mean Xingchen's death--or Xue Yang's. He'd been on edge since he met Xue Yang, even though his feelings for Xue Yang had deepened so much, and yet there'd always been the question of whether this was really something that could work.
He'd managed to resist asking, before this, how it was that Xingchen could love Xue Yang.
[ Something in him goes still at the withdrawal. The tremors fade and he doesn't respond to the feel of Huaisang's tighter hold.
Doesn't matter.
Xingchen braces himself before pressing one more kiss to his lover's shoulder, then gently lifts him from his lap, setting him aside. ]
I do not know either.
[ He sounds tired, and knows it, as he stands. He keeps his eyes closed as he reaches into his sleeve to pull out his blindfold, setting it back in place around his head. ]
[Huaisang doesn't try to hold him. He'd been braced for this since he first set down his hot chocolate--now cold and congealed. He stays where he's put and keeps his mouth shut.
He doesn't know if this is a rejection. He doesn't know if he'll ever see Xingchen again. Either of them, depending on how their confrontation goes.
He knows he doesn't have any right to stop him.
Retreating to his bedroom, he curls up under the covers and weeps.]
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[Foolish Huaisang. Foolish to trust, to let anyone see the manipulator beneath the mask, to think that anyone in the world could cope with the truth of their own lives. He knows he can't.
Suddenly this place, in all its stark, vicious hypocrisy, seems more right than anything Huaisang has known before. He is a liar, a manipulator, composed of deceit that he turns against himself as much as anyone unfortunate enough to be involved with him.
He wants to beg Xingchen not to take his life again, but such a plea just seems even more cruel. If Xingchen can't bear it, Huaisang isn't selfish enough to demand that he endure just to make Huaisang's life easier.
All he knows how to do is to regress into the safety of ignorance.] It's just rumor, Xingchen. It's probably not even true. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
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Xingchen can't bring himself to remove his lover from his lap though. Selfish and needy, greedy for comfort and affection.
Affection starved.
Longing for his other half...who he has betrayed in so many ways he feels himself start to shatter apart again.
A rumor. A dagger to a heart that already has gaping cracks in it. ]
I can't...forget what you have said...what it could mean...I can't.
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That was the only way anyone would ever love him, after all. Huaisang, the sweet fool.
He keeps quiet, trying at least not to make the situation any worse.]
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Xingchen's fingers flex where they rest at Huaisang's waist. Loose, tight. Clinging. Trying to will himself to let go.
Conflicted. Even in just whether he will stay curled up with his lover. ]
Huaisang...You see...a lot more than I ever could...
There is so much I do not understand...
I do not even know what to ask.
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He'd managed to resist asking, before this, how it was that Xingchen could love Xue Yang.
He should have let it go. He should have lied.]
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Doesn't matter.
Xingchen braces himself before pressing one more kiss to his lover's shoulder, then gently lifts him from his lap, setting him aside. ]
I do not know either.
[ He sounds tired, and knows it, as he stands. He keeps his eyes closed as he reaches into his sleeve to pull out his blindfold, setting it back in place around his head. ]
Good night, Huaisang.
[ He heads for the door to leave for the night. ]
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He doesn't know if this is a rejection. He doesn't know if he'll ever see Xingchen again. Either of them, depending on how their confrontation goes.
He knows he doesn't have any right to stop him.
Retreating to his bedroom, he curls up under the covers and weeps.]