There are different ways to be angry. We can work on that, if you like. There's an anger that explodes outward, and there's an anger that closes inward and freezes everything in your heart. There's anger that burns like a lash but purifies and purges the old, dead overgrowth, there's anger that simmers and surges beneath the surface, urging you onward and keeping you from giving up. Anger can destroy, but it can also power your determination to build.
[Huaisang nuzzles at him again, giving him an encouraging smile.] I'm so fond of you, my A-Lang. We ought to make lots of blanket forts in the future.
I would enjoy that... [ He admitted, though his face was still thoughtful as he was taking in all the words that Huaisang had just spoken to him. As he returned that nuzzle, and held him closer, he asked quietly. ]
You sound as though you have much experience with anger. [ It was an opening for Huaisang to talk to him if he wished to, but he would not pry. ]
I do. [Huaisang left it at that for a long minute, relaxing and cuddling with him, happy just to hold and be held under their lovely blanket fort.]
These days, I'm trying to recover from anger and grief. It's been a long and complicated process, with some false starts, but I've learned that love and anger--even hatred--can coexist. The key isn't in fighting your anger, but in focusing on your love. Focus on your hopes and dreams, and in cherishing the people you care about, and the anger just... doesn't seem as important anymore.
[ They were words that resonated deeply with Fenris, and he found himself holding Huaisang just a little tighter as he spoke. He swallowed heavily and his brow furrowed as he thought about it. ]
... I don't allow myself to have hopes or dreams anymore. The last time I had them, I... ruined everything. Anger and grief is what I intimately know, love is new and... [ what was the word? ] It feels like something I'm not allowed to have.
That seems very understandable. [Huaisang nuzzles at him, pressing the softest of kisses along the side of Fenris' throat.] But the thing is, you have people you can ask permission for love and hope. Just ask Bull or myself. You don't have to decide for yourself what is allowed. We can tell you.
You're allowed to have love. [Turning his head gently, Huaisang presses a sweet kiss to Fenris' nose.] I care about you. It's not love just yet, but it's headed that way, deepening each time we spend time together.
[ The color on Fenris' cheeks darkened as he drank in the affections that Huaisang kept lavishing him with. It was truly frightening, to be loved. To know that it could all be taken away from him in a second. It would have been better if he had remained shut off to it all, and yet certain people kept worming their way into bis heart.
He sighed and hugged him close, his eyes closed as he whispered low. ]
Am I really allowed to have this? [ He asked because Huaisang said he could. Because it felt right to ask someone who was willing to give him an answer. ] I was a killer, I still am. I competed for these painful markings that litter my body, destroyed my fellow slaves in the process, then my memory was wiped as the painful process of carving them into my skin was too much.
I remember now, vividly, of what I did to become the monster that I am not. You should not care for me...
You're allowed to have this. [Huaisang kissed his cheek again, then nuzzled close, just enjoying being held for the moment. He was happy to repeat those words every time Fenris asked, every time he needed to hear them.] I don't think you're a monster. I do care for you.
[Massaging gently at Fenris' neck, Huaisang keeps his voice low and soft, trying to soothe him as much as possible.] Our past shapes us, but you need no longer be bound to it. You can't undo the things that happened, but you can choose what you do in the future.
The person I know is sweet, playful, and protective. That's how you've been toward me, and that's why I care for you. None of the rest of it matters in how I care for you now.
[ Not a monster. Such a thought... It truly was something that he needed to hear, perhaps many, many times in order to grow accustomed to the concept. Huaisang was kind, far too kind, but Fenris was starved for this acceptance and affection and so he basked in it. Embraced him tightly, gently returned those kisses as he tried not to lapse into a quiet, broody silence.
The massage helped, as did the soothing tone. It lured him to reality, kept him grounded, made him feel flush with the realization that this man genuinely cared about him. ]
Thank you... [ He said quietly, gratefully. Truly grateful. It was so strange to feel so accepted even after telling someone about himself, since there was only one other individual who made him feel this way. ] You make me believe that I can have this.
You can. [Huaisang smiles warmly as he repeats it, ever so gently nudging Fenris' head up so that he can see the adoring smile on Huaisang's face.] You're very special to me, too.
You should come by more often, you know. [Huaisang nuzzles the tips of their noses lightly together.] I don't think I can bear to see you less than once a week. If you can find a way to fit me into your busy schedule. I need to see you sleepy and satisfied in my bed. I want to paint you, if you'll let me.
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[Huaisang nuzzles at him again, giving him an encouraging smile.] I'm so fond of you, my A-Lang. We ought to make lots of blanket forts in the future.
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You sound as though you have much experience with anger. [ It was an opening for Huaisang to talk to him if he wished to, but he would not pry. ]
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These days, I'm trying to recover from anger and grief. It's been a long and complicated process, with some false starts, but I've learned that love and anger--even hatred--can coexist. The key isn't in fighting your anger, but in focusing on your love. Focus on your hopes and dreams, and in cherishing the people you care about, and the anger just... doesn't seem as important anymore.
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... I don't allow myself to have hopes or dreams anymore. The last time I had them, I... ruined everything. Anger and grief is what I intimately know, love is new and... [ what was the word? ] It feels like something I'm not allowed to have.
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You're allowed to have love. [Turning his head gently, Huaisang presses a sweet kiss to Fenris' nose.] I care about you. It's not love just yet, but it's headed that way, deepening each time we spend time together.
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He sighed and hugged him close, his eyes closed as he whispered low. ]
Am I really allowed to have this? [ He asked because Huaisang said he could. Because it felt right to ask someone who was willing to give him an answer. ] I was a killer, I still am. I competed for these painful markings that litter my body, destroyed my fellow slaves in the process, then my memory was wiped as the painful process of carving them into my skin was too much.
I remember now, vividly, of what I did to become the monster that I am not. You should not care for me...
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[Massaging gently at Fenris' neck, Huaisang keeps his voice low and soft, trying to soothe him as much as possible.] Our past shapes us, but you need no longer be bound to it. You can't undo the things that happened, but you can choose what you do in the future.
The person I know is sweet, playful, and protective. That's how you've been toward me, and that's why I care for you. None of the rest of it matters in how I care for you now.
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The massage helped, as did the soothing tone. It lured him to reality, kept him grounded, made him feel flush with the realization that this man genuinely cared about him. ]
Thank you... [ He said quietly, gratefully. Truly grateful. It was so strange to feel so accepted even after telling someone about himself, since there was only one other individual who made him feel this way. ] You make me believe that I can have this.
You are very special to me, Huaisang.
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You should come by more often, you know. [Huaisang nuzzles the tips of their noses lightly together.] I don't think I can bear to see you less than once a week. If you can find a way to fit me into your busy schedule. I need to see you sleepy and satisfied in my bed. I want to paint you, if you'll let me.
fade to black for the newer stuffs? <3
Every week, then. At least once. You may do whatever you wish to me.
[ Because he trusted Huaisang not to treat him cruelly. And he would spend the rest of that evening showing him affection for being so kind to him. ]