I can accept an apology. I did feel hurt. I figured ... [He types out and deletes a few different things. He doesn't want to be accusatory. It's only that he has an entire lifetime of making himself easy to overlook, easy to leave behind. If he shows himself as he is, desperately needy for attention, then people dislike him as an annoying, clingy pest. Better to be likeable and easy.
But Chris has been genuine with his apology, and so Huaisang figures he owes a bit of genuine emotion in return. Maybe he can try not selling himself short, not acting like it didn't matter.]
I don't know. That you didn't want to put up with me anymore.
[Theres a small sigh of relief when he sees the beginning but it twists to discomfort at himself soon after. It hadn’t been a matter of putting up with…]
No. Not at all. Something I would be happy to thoroughly dispel as a thought. I have inexcusable eccentricities and I wish I hadn’t hurt you with them, but I will endeavor to make amends.
[Huaisang's surprised at how those words make him feel valued, which seems at odds with Chris neglecting him, and he notices that his emotions want to go both ways at once, to extremes, believing himself precious, believing himself disposable. There should be some kind of middle ground possible. A fond friend. Or something.]
[He will take that first step, at least, and hope his hands not so clumsy as to fumble the rest.]
Then I will be there as soon as your schedule allows
[And he is, on the appointed day at the time they agree, on the dot, he parks his motorcycle outside Huaisang's house and sees himself through the gate, dressed nicelyenough to show his respect and elaborately enough in his various leather straps, to make undressing a little more of a challenge. Not impossible, but harder. He wasn't just here because of what Huaisang could give him, that he wanted to make clear.
He greets his friend with a bow and holds a hand out to take Huaisang's if he may and press a kiss to the back of his knuckles.]
I rarely apologize twice, but I would offer them in person now as well. If you would like my words, they are yours, or I can turn my efforts to showing you my appreciation.
[Huaisang agonizes over what to wear. He always puts thought into his wardrobe and how he presents himself, but in this case he's just not sure what's the right approach. He's agreed to the photoshoot, which they'd discussed in overtly sexual terms, and Huaisang wants that, but it doesn't feel right to go right into bold sexuality as though nothing has changed. Something formal feels too off-putting, like he's intentionally keeping Chris at a distance, but something informal feels dismissive, like this isn't a big deal. But it does feel like a big deal to him, Chris being absent and now Chris being back again, wanting to put their relationship back together.
He remembers their quarrel, too, the sharp-edged misunderstanding they'd had, not long before Chris had put all that space between them. Both of them struggling to communicate without giving offense, and Huaisang still left with an impression that he shouldn't ask for too much, that he shouldn't expect anything. Safer that way.
All the clothing in his closet, and none of it fills the impossible criteria of his situation.
He finally settles on a modern hanfu, something with enough traditional aesthetic to make him feel safe behind his defenses, and a comfortable balance between formal and informal.]
You don't need to apologize twice. [Huaisang allows his hand to be kissed, looking over Chris' outfit with a pleased but hesitant smile.] Come on inside. You don't have to explain, either, unless it's something you want me to hear. But the ... dispelling my insecurities part would be good. Not ... not the making amends. You don't need to make anything up to me either with gifts or actions.
But I do need ... I need you to give me clear expectations. Going forward. On multiple levels.
[He starts there, Huaisang deserved that much at least, Chris' clarity. He could manage that for his friend. He follows him inside and to where the other man decides he'd like to host them, only once they're settled with Chris sitting purposefully near to Huaisang, though not quite close enough to be touching, does he continue.]
I would like to know the levels but allow me to offer what comes to mind to start: I would like to be your friend first and foremost. I would like to get to know you...the you you want to be and the you kept hidden, as much as you're willing to share. I can and will be patient with the latter. I recognize they're both you and that makes both worth knowing and loving to me. I also want it clear: I do love you...just not in a romantic sense. That might change, but that's my thought right now. I'd like to be your friend and your lover and someone you can rely on when you need.
To my part, I pulled away due to...outside stressors. The city and what it does, what it stands for, is nearly everything I stand against inherently. I respect you've found freedom and happiness here, as have I, but the tyranny is something I will always actively stand against. No matter the personal cost. Sometimes that means my mind gets...full of static and turmoil. I've...a bad habit...a hurtful habit...of retreating when stressed. That is the habit our connection fell to.
[Huaisang takes him through to the living room, which is one of the coziest rooms in his house, though it doesn't have a toy cabinet and he almost never uses it for sex. He'd rather have a comfortable conversation with Chris to start, and they can move to one of the other rooms if they decide to get more intimate.
His listens, chin tucked a little with shy wariness, but despite that he doesn't put up any kind of emotional barrier, leaving his reactions easy to read as they flit across his face. He knows that Chris already knows this about him--he's expressive by nature, but more than capable of becoming icy and inscrutable (or putting up a blandly charming facade) when he wants to keep his emotions hidden.
He nods his agreement to wanting to be friends, chin lifting and eyes widening a little with earnestness, but his shoulders lift defensively at the prospect of anyone getting to know the hidden parts of himself. A nervous thrill goes through him and his cheeks flush when Chris reassures him that he can be patient and that he thinks Huaisang's worth knowing and worth loving. His head tilts a little as Chris explains how he loves him, and he takes a moment to process that before nodding.] That's exactly what I want, friend and lover and someone who I can rely on. That sounds nice, and I'm ... not interested in romantic complications at this time, either.
I'm sorry for your stress. And I know that this city is ... it can be a challenge sometimes, even for me, and I know that I'm ... very fortunate, in my circumstances here. [He shakes his head, not wanting to go down that tangent.] I can't remember if I've told you anything about it, but back home ... I was so used to being left behind and forgotten. My friends would go off on adventures and investigations, and I had no interest in camping out or fighting monsters, so they left me behind. And that just became the habit, so I'd come back from getting drinks or something and they'd just be ... gone.
Anyway. I thought you didn't care.
It would be nice, in the future, if you could manage a message sooner. Like, 'hey, sorry I've been distant and busy for a couple of weeks, I just need to retreat into myself for a while, still care about you.' It wasn't good that you disappeared so soon after that ... difficult conversation we had.
[That...was a fair point. And shitty of him, but...unsurprising for his record. He has the decency to look down in his own shame for how he'd treated his friend. He'd been on the receiving end of that before, he should know better, that sharp feeling.
When he looks up, he places a hand out between them, palm up in invitation.]
I can promise that much. I don't want you to feel unappreciated. Our talk certainly didn't factor, not in a way I could point out and measure. It's good to have someone you can rely on back home when adventuring or traveling for political endeavors...there's no shame in that.
May we pick up once more? Should I fail to keep my promise, you are welcome to burn my name from all you've record of or even call me on being a less than great friend...I've only had about six years in practice of having any and three years in practice of having lovers I like to keep, I'm still learning the social aspect, if not the physical. It is not your responsibility to teach or remind me, but any correction you feel needed is yours to give.
I'm not going to chide you, [Huaisang says, looking a little bit flustered at how Chris gives his promise and offers these consequences for himself. Huaisang would rather just have him prove himself in action, and renegotiate accordingly, if Chris lets him down. He's not sure he trusts words anymore, with Chris, fearing that they'll just misunderstand each other again. Better to rely upon actions.] You'll have to win my trust again and I might be wary or tentative for a while, but I'd like to try.
That's all I wanted answered. [Huaisang bites his lower lip, not sure where to go next. It doesn't seem right to simply crawl into Chris' lap, but he also doesn't want to belabor these topics further with discussion.] Do you want a drink? The usual options. Full formal tea, liquor, bubbly waters or juices.
[He nods, again, this feels familiar. With Jacob, he'd been in Huaisang's position of needing that trust re-earned. Of needing to know he wasn't simply a warm body to go to, but a friend to rely on. That had been different, would be different, of course. They were different people and the process would feel different from here...but it's a humbling thought all the same.]
A drink would be nice, a liquor of your choosing...and then, perhaps, you could tell me of yourself. What you have been up to, what has delighted you as of late...the sorts of things I ought to have asked after well before now.
[Huaisang nods and rises, already a bit faraway as he thinks about himself and these past months. Asking him to talk about himself is always a big request, and Huaisang has to sort through what he wants to share, what Chris will want to know, what's most important, what weighs on him most heavily. He goes to the bar cabinet against the wall--he keeps a well-stocked cabinet in the library, parlor, and living room, leaving only the tea room too sacred to require its own stash of liquor immediately within reach. His fingertips drift over the bottles, trying to make the decision of what to drink because it's an easier choice than what to tell.
Selecting a dark cherry brandy, Huaisang pours for them both, and brings the glasses back over.]
Lots of nice new friends. That's always important. Some new hires at the store. Javert has graduated to full journeyman tailor, I hired a couple of new clerks--Artemis and Stede--and a new embroiderer, Astarion, who I also very much enjoy as a lover. My dear friend Methos has returned, he's always a lot of fun.
[He hesitates a moment over another important new name on the list, because he's not sure how to explain the relationship--not sure how he himself perceives it, his own emotions varying wildly from a helpless infatuation to a dispassionate business relationship. He knows that that Hands is an expert manipulator, a businessman who prefers to operate as puppetmaster, and Huaisang had offered him a job immediately upon getting a glimpse of that. Huaisang sees Hands as a mirror of himself, but better. Stronger, independent, with none of Huaisang's emotional fragility.
He would have liked having Hands in Qinghe, to put him in a position of power and hide behind him, making sure that Hands always had every reason to carry out Huaisang's best interests. Instead, he'd had to do it all himself.
(He buries the thought that Hands reminds him, too, of his greatest enemy, and that makes Huaisang's emotions toward him all the more unsteady.)]
I also met a new dominant, whose handling I quite enjoy. [Which is a significant thing, since for a long while there was no one but Chris who fit that role for Huaisang, and then there was no longer Chris. Huaisang sits and holds out the glass, not looking at Chris, body facing forward now rather than turned toward Chris. He acknowledges to himself that when asked to speak of himself, he turned to ice and then started speaking of other people instead, but it's close enough to himself that he still threw all his guards up in order to touch the topic at all. But it's either that or derail it entirely into frivolity, showing Chris new designs and art projects and making himself as surface-level as possible. He can't bear to do that at the moment.] He calls himself Mr. Hands.
[Chris listens with full attention, but he's never been very good at deception...and the name Astarion has him tensing up and looking away a moment. The mention of Hands, however, and the description offered is enough of a distraction to put his own reaction away. Information to know...his webs of connections tangling together...very well.
Huaisang's body language, too, is it's own information that Chris reads like lines in a book, even if he's smarter than to assign meaning to it beyond guesswork just yet.]
Yes, I'm acquainted with Mr. Hands. I've taken some measures to offer advice, information, and resources here and there...I think he might be good for the city. You must be the employer he mentioned, then...since the rest of your list were new hires as well. I'm...glad you've found someone who can meet your needs with mutual benefit.
[Sex and money for some services Hands was providing, it was a good arrangement. As he'd told the man himself, he was a good business man...and Huaisang might do well with someone willing to be the hard front sometimes needed.
Mores gently he offers:] If you'd rather not talk, then I can do that as well...my aim wasn't to cause strife in you.
[Huaisang's too distracted in his own emotions and turned away with the drinks, so he doesn't notice Chris' reaction to Astarion's name.
Glancing over with interest at what Chris says about Hands, Huaisang studies his expression for an extra second before responding.] They weren't all new hires--Methos doesn't work for me. But you're right. I hired him to handle my higher-level investments. Peggy handles the finances of the store--salaries and bills, all that--and Javert sees to the household expenses, but I've mostly done the higher-level stuff myself. Much though I hate having to do work, I ... I'm a bureaucrat. [Huaisang wrinkles his nose. He loves bureaucracy, really, loves the opportunities it creates for doing things unnoticed, for hiding one's competence, and for accelerating or misplacing priorities as he deems fit. But he'd still rather not have to do it at all.] And it's very rare that I find people who have expertise in that kind of high-level bureaucratic and financial operations. It's not even that much--I've got one shop and a party venue, it's not like I'm here to run a business empire--but still. [He sighs deeply.] The bureaucratic systems here are amazing--they have these things called spreadsheets, which organize information ... nevermind. It's still work. So as much as I like it and value it and want it done, I'd rather not do it.
[Huaisang tries desperately to get himself to summarize or move on from the topic, since he assumes that Chris (like most people) has little interest in extended debates on economic theory.]
I've encountered three people in my time here in the city who can understand that to the level that I do--Hands might actually be better. He's got a broader skill set. Values information and resources, as you said. Anyway. Hired him on the spot. All my accounts at that level have been horribly neglected since I lost my last employee who did that.
Anyway. Sorry. I can talk for hours about administration and finance, it's awful.
It isn't that I don't want to talk. It's that I can't talk about myself.
[He nods a bit in acknowledgement of his slip up, but listens attentively otherwise. Even as Huaisang goes on about business, there's no flagging in Chris' interest. If anything, from the polite and detached interest of subjects he was less familiar with, there's a spark of fascination in him for what insight Huaisang offers. Perhaps it would be boring to others, but it was daily business to him. Of course, Huaisang ushers on the topic and Chris' smile turns slightly tight and equally self-depreciating as though being caught even being interested in the topic was silly.
They had other things to talk about, surely. And it wasn't like Chris had sought out to own any businesses here, even though his dominants. He'd, in fact, avoided it for it being too like his responsibilities at home. At least his friend was using his skills productively, even if he didn't like to do it.]
I don't think it's awful. In another time, I'd have spent hours with you on the topic as it's near and dear to part of my duties back home as...functionally a Merchant Prince of my city afore I was ever named king...but that's beside the point and not relevant here.
But...I do want to know...why can't you talk about yourself? You're delightful and kind when appropriate and passionate about the things that hold your heart...what is there to want to avoid? [That same small smile flickers over his lips and he shakes his head.] In broader terms, if you'd rather...not to press you into something you quite literally just said you weren't comfortable with.
Well, if you do want to hear me talk too much about administrative nonsense, I ... I can.
[Huaisang waffles over the question, squirming in place a little and taking a sip of his drink. Chris points out what Huaisang otherwise would have, that he's asking about something that Huaisang just said he's not comfortable with, and yet he doesn't immediately rule out answering the question. The compliments help, and they sound far more positive than Huaisang would have expected (though Huaisang knows he still defaults to the assumption that even his close friends only just tolerate him).]
There are ... a lot of parts of it. I ... I'll try and hit on some of the highlights. Don't respond to any one part of it until I've got out as much as I can say, okay?
I was the younger son of a powerful nobleman, and I always disappointed him. I was never willing to change myself to conform to his expectations, and it meant that my older brother had to conform all the more, and he protected me, but I still ... have a certain belief that I should not draw attention to myself. That I can get away with what I want, but I'm a failure in all the things that I'm supposed to be, all the traits that are desirable in a man, all my duties to my sect, my people, my ancestors.
I was the weakest of all the children of all the major sects. By far. I was the useless one. The joke. People liked me because I made myself easy to like, because I was friendly and cheerful, but I was useless when anything important happened, so they left me behind. And then it just became ... normal. I was easy when people were around me, and when I wasn't around, people forgot me.
And I started to notice that there were ... advantages in that. I could get away with things, because no one expected anything from me. No one paid attention to me.
So, later, when I figured out that my brother's death had been murder, I realized that if his murderer ever realized I wasn't useless, then he'd kill me, too. I didn't have enough defenses to protect against that. I didn't have enough proof to expose him. All I could do was to be all the more useless, all the more forgettable, while I tried to figure out how to get enough proof to bring him down.
I was always isolated. Always overlooked and forgettable. But those ten years ... more than ten years. [Huaisang shakes his head, blinking away tears.] I was completely isolated. I became a caricature of myself. Useless, cowardly, frivolous.
To speak about myself, to acknowledge that I'm anything more than a shallow, cheery fool ... I spent so long in terror for my life, over that. To speak about myself brings up all those years of isolation and terror, because it's still so deeply ingrained in me that if my mask falters for even an instant, I will die, the world will be left under the influence of a cruel and murderous man who is guilty of almost every one of the ten abominations, and there will never be any justice for his victims.
[He nods to the request, already intending to mind his tongue just like that. He knew too well the difficulty of talking about some subjects. He'd had practice through his friends pushing, but it was hard learned.
Still, he listens to the end without interrupting, even as some of what Huaisang says rings too close to home. Feeling like a failure to the expectations upon you. Having others protect you all your life...even the part about knowing death would be around the corner, should you ever let slip who you truly were...they had a few things in common he never could have guessed.
And still, it was different. Chris had come into his own when allowed to step further and further from Crystal. Huaisang had been backed into a corner and forced to dig deeper and deeper to keep safe.
Even if she'd been trapped by distance, Chris had always had Rhyt. Even Kayt...meanwhile, his friend's family was ice in the veins or blood at his heels. His mind darts back to the agony of finding Rhyt's body, of holding his twin sister's corpse...he'd had a course, a set path to heal. Huaisang hadn't.
Slowly, Chris holds a hand out in the space between them and when he speaks, his voice holds no judgement, only a cautious gentleness.]
May I wrap my arms around you afore I offer any thoughts.
[Huaisang nods tentatively. Even though things are still fragile between them, Huaisang always wants affection and comfort. He shifts close, tucking himself into Chris' arms with his head on Chris' shoulder, nuzzling softly.
There's still tension running through Huaisang's body, defensive about having shared such vulnerable details, shaky from having dug up those devastating emotions, wary of treading wrong somehow while they're re-establishing trust between themselves. But he presses close to Chris, taking the comfort he needs.]
[Chris curls his arms around Huaisang as soon as he's allowed, one of his hands trails up and down his companion's back while the other simply keeps him pressed close for how it's looped around his lower back. Only once he can press a kiss to Huaisang's hair does he give voice to the first and most important thought.]
You were suffering and scared and had no one to turn to. No one in your corner...that wasn't fair to you...and likely only hurt more the more it felt no one even noticed. I'm sorry you suffered that, it's more sharp than any knife I've seen and you bear the wounds with a head still held high.
So...that said...I hope you know I've only grown in respect for you in the last few minutes. What you've endured is a cruelty few can imagine or will know...who you were was who you needed to be...and there's no sin in that. It'll always be the hidden dagger under the love and care you wrap around yourself now. But...my earnest hope is that you'll be able to find the times and ways you can to set it down and try to heal as best you can...and I mean truly heal, not simply bury the pain and wounds with things you think will make it pretty and easier to bear. You deserve that much kindness to yourself. You're worth that effort.
[Huaisang nods a few times as he talks, small and quick little vibrations of his head, but he stays tucked close and quiet.]
I know, [he murmurs at last, once Chris has paused for Huaisang to reply.] It's been... almost four years here, I think? It must be. Three and a half. The first year and a half was ...... rough. Some of ... all of that had come here with me. I was able to process some of it, other parts were ... made worse. [But Huaisang doesn't like dwelling on that, so he moves on quickly.] Since then, I had some difficult times, especially in the wake of all that, but after the first year I always knew that I was loved here. I've always had people here to rely on, who care about me, more of them and more deeply than I ever would have expected. I've had the time and stability to heal. To ... find myself again.
The first two... two and a half years here, I wasn't sure who I was without the mask, if I no longer wanted to be the core of steel and I no longer could be the person I'd been before, the cheerful, innocent, ignorant--[Huaisang stops himself suddenly, with a surprised laugh, as he realizes something he'd never quite connected before.] I ... I was never that person, though, was I? The mask was only who they thought I was, and it only required me to play into those expectations. Telling people what they want to hear is the easiest thing in the world. [Or it is for Huaisang, anyway, but he's got both a natural talent and years of experience on that particular topic.]
Hm. [Huaisang holds up his hand to consider it, reflecting upon himself anew.] I've always been, at my core, just who I am now. Sly. Frivolous. Lazy. Soft-hearted but strong-willed. I divided myself into extremes, but I really was always just ... [He can't think of a word to encapsulate himself. Just Huaisang. He's always liked himself, always been satisfied with who he is. It's only ever been his place in the world or in the hearts of others that he's doubted.]
[He says 'made worse' and Chris can't help thinking on what his friend had told him in the past, about those who had made expectations of him, those who had hurt him here. Perhaps it was them? Or perhaps it was something else entirely. Nothing Chris needed to know so badly he had to press any further than he already was.
But then Huaisang continues and there's that little laugh that draws Chris' attention further. That was...something connecting in the mind. Another thought coming along the first...and he waits for it.
And, again, his heart goes out to him anew. He couldn't possibly know every feeling or thought that might be going on behind those pretty eyes, but what he could glean...he could understand to some degree, at the least.]
You were who was expected...you were he who would survive...until you knew it was safe enough to let it fall away a bit more. Until you knew you could thrive and simply be you.
[He presses a kiss to Huaisang's head.]
Good. I'm glad. I'm glad, more, to know this you...the you you're wanting to be here and now. That's the man worth knowing...worth spending some time with.
[He pulls back a bit to better see his companion and press a kiss to his forehead, if allowed.]
I thank you for sharing him with me...sharing yourself with me...even as hard an ask as I know it was. Promise not to make too much habit of it.
[Huaisang lets himself be handled, and gives Chris a soft, tired smile when Chris pulls back to look at him.] Is there anything else you want to know, right now? [Better to just get it all out now, while Huaisang's already talking, since he'll do his best to avoid getting back into such conversations.
He reaches for his glass, taking a large gulp of the brandy before nestling back into Chris' arms. He feels emotionally worn out, wanting warmth and comfort now, to sink back into the luxury and pleasure that make up his life here and distance himself as much as possible from everything back home.]
[He pets along Huaisang's shoulder and threads his fingers through his hair to soothe. He kisses his friend's brow as he considers the question and decides, while the answer might generally be 'no' he can't leave it there. Doesn't want to leave it there.]
If the doors to this place opened tomorrow and we could leave to anywhere...what would you do?
I know what I would do...but I am...curious. For what similarities and differences lie between us, what you would settle on.
Stay, [Huaisang says immediately, then reconsiders the implications of what Chris had just said. Not just stay or go home. Leave to anywhere.] Wait. Anywhere? I don't ... I don't know. I'd rather be here than home, but I can't say that any world anyone else has described has ever made me think I'd rather be there.
I've built up safety here. As much as I'd like to travel, I don't know that I'd be willing to give up what I have. If there's another world where I could still have my luxuries, my fashion, my art, and as many people as I cared about who would all also be in that place?
That is very fair...I don't know if such a world exists, but I've certainly considered it for myself. Just idly, mind, I don't think I could actually make the choice to go to another world, even with one of my loves. I...unfortunately, intend to go back home.
[Is it unfortunately? Doesn't he miss the Moonsea? Yes...he loves the Moonsea...he just hates how many bars it puts around him by being there. He absently presses his lips to Huaisang's hair and forehead.]
Though, if we'd no choice but to stay here ad make a life of it...I suppose I could make that as well. So long as certain things changed. Thank you, I was just...curious.
[Curious if his friend's demands and responsibilities pulled him the way Chris' do.]
[Huaisang's curious about the word choice, why it would be unfortunate to choose to go back home, but he decides after a moment's thought that he doesn't need to know. The here and now is what matters to him. He doesn't care who Chris is back home. That simply doesn't seem relevant to who he is here and what they have together.
Finally over the line on how much vulnerability he's willing to endure, Huaisang pushes himself to sit up, giving Chris his most wheedling pout.] No more emotions. Can we have sex now?
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
text; un: mulberry
But Chris has been genuine with his apology, and so Huaisang figures he owes a bit of genuine emotion in return. Maybe he can try not selling himself short, not acting like it didn't matter.]
I don't know. That you didn't want to put up with me anymore.
Text; un: Ravens
No. Not at all. Something I would be happy to thoroughly dispel as a thought. I have inexcusable eccentricities and I wish I hadn’t hurt you with them, but I will endeavor to make amends.
I have missed your friendship and your company.
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We can certainly have that photoshoot.
->Action
Then I will be there as soon as your schedule allows
[And he is, on the appointed day at the time they agree, on the dot, he parks his motorcycle outside Huaisang's house and sees himself through the gate, dressed nicely enough to show his respect and elaborately enough in his various leather straps, to make undressing a little more of a challenge. Not impossible, but harder. He wasn't just here because of what Huaisang could give him, that he wanted to make clear.
He greets his friend with a bow and holds a hand out to take Huaisang's if he may and press a kiss to the back of his knuckles.]
I rarely apologize twice, but I would offer them in person now as well. If you would like my words, they are yours, or I can turn my efforts to showing you my appreciation.
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He remembers their quarrel, too, the sharp-edged misunderstanding they'd had, not long before Chris had put all that space between them. Both of them struggling to communicate without giving offense, and Huaisang still left with an impression that he shouldn't ask for too much, that he shouldn't expect anything. Safer that way.
All the clothing in his closet, and none of it fills the impossible criteria of his situation.
He finally settles on a modern hanfu, something with enough traditional aesthetic to make him feel safe behind his defenses, and a comfortable balance between formal and informal.]
You don't need to apologize twice. [Huaisang allows his hand to be kissed, looking over Chris' outfit with a pleased but hesitant smile.] Come on inside. You don't have to explain, either, unless it's something you want me to hear. But the ... dispelling my insecurities part would be good. Not ... not the making amends. You don't need to make anything up to me either with gifts or actions.
But I do need ... I need you to give me clear expectations. Going forward. On multiple levels.
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[He starts there, Huaisang deserved that much at least, Chris' clarity. He could manage that for his friend. He follows him inside and to where the other man decides he'd like to host them, only once they're settled with Chris sitting purposefully near to Huaisang, though not quite close enough to be touching, does he continue.]
I would like to know the levels but allow me to offer what comes to mind to start: I would like to be your friend first and foremost. I would like to get to know you...the you you want to be and the you kept hidden, as much as you're willing to share. I can and will be patient with the latter. I recognize they're both you and that makes both worth knowing and loving to me. I also want it clear: I do love you...just not in a romantic sense. That might change, but that's my thought right now. I'd like to be your friend and your lover and someone you can rely on when you need.
To my part, I pulled away due to...outside stressors. The city and what it does, what it stands for, is nearly everything I stand against inherently. I respect you've found freedom and happiness here, as have I, but the tyranny is something I will always actively stand against. No matter the personal cost. Sometimes that means my mind gets...full of static and turmoil. I've...a bad habit...a hurtful habit...of retreating when stressed. That is the habit our connection fell to.
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His listens, chin tucked a little with shy wariness, but despite that he doesn't put up any kind of emotional barrier, leaving his reactions easy to read as they flit across his face. He knows that Chris already knows this about him--he's expressive by nature, but more than capable of becoming icy and inscrutable (or putting up a blandly charming facade) when he wants to keep his emotions hidden.
He nods his agreement to wanting to be friends, chin lifting and eyes widening a little with earnestness, but his shoulders lift defensively at the prospect of anyone getting to know the hidden parts of himself. A nervous thrill goes through him and his cheeks flush when Chris reassures him that he can be patient and that he thinks Huaisang's worth knowing and worth loving. His head tilts a little as Chris explains how he loves him, and he takes a moment to process that before nodding.] That's exactly what I want, friend and lover and someone who I can rely on. That sounds nice, and I'm ... not interested in romantic complications at this time, either.
I'm sorry for your stress. And I know that this city is ... it can be a challenge sometimes, even for me, and I know that I'm ... very fortunate, in my circumstances here. [He shakes his head, not wanting to go down that tangent.] I can't remember if I've told you anything about it, but back home ... I was so used to being left behind and forgotten. My friends would go off on adventures and investigations, and I had no interest in camping out or fighting monsters, so they left me behind. And that just became the habit, so I'd come back from getting drinks or something and they'd just be ... gone.
Anyway. I thought you didn't care.
It would be nice, in the future, if you could manage a message sooner. Like, 'hey, sorry I've been distant and busy for a couple of weeks, I just need to retreat into myself for a while, still care about you.' It wasn't good that you disappeared so soon after that ... difficult conversation we had.
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When he looks up, he places a hand out between them, palm up in invitation.]
I can promise that much. I don't want you to feel unappreciated. Our talk certainly didn't factor, not in a way I could point out and measure. It's good to have someone you can rely on back home when adventuring or traveling for political endeavors...there's no shame in that.
May we pick up once more? Should I fail to keep my promise, you are welcome to burn my name from all you've record of or even call me on being a less than great friend...I've only had about six years in practice of having any and three years in practice of having lovers I like to keep, I'm still learning the social aspect, if not the physical. It is not your responsibility to teach or remind me, but any correction you feel needed is yours to give.
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That's all I wanted answered. [Huaisang bites his lower lip, not sure where to go next. It doesn't seem right to simply crawl into Chris' lap, but he also doesn't want to belabor these topics further with discussion.] Do you want a drink? The usual options. Full formal tea, liquor, bubbly waters or juices.
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A drink would be nice, a liquor of your choosing...and then, perhaps, you could tell me of yourself. What you have been up to, what has delighted you as of late...the sorts of things I ought to have asked after well before now.
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Selecting a dark cherry brandy, Huaisang pours for them both, and brings the glasses back over.]
Lots of nice new friends. That's always important. Some new hires at the store. Javert has graduated to full journeyman tailor, I hired a couple of new clerks--Artemis and Stede--and a new embroiderer, Astarion, who I also very much enjoy as a lover. My dear friend Methos has returned, he's always a lot of fun.
[He hesitates a moment over another important new name on the list, because he's not sure how to explain the relationship--not sure how he himself perceives it, his own emotions varying wildly from a helpless infatuation to a dispassionate business relationship. He knows that that Hands is an expert manipulator, a businessman who prefers to operate as puppetmaster, and Huaisang had offered him a job immediately upon getting a glimpse of that. Huaisang sees Hands as a mirror of himself, but better. Stronger, independent, with none of Huaisang's emotional fragility.
He would have liked having Hands in Qinghe, to put him in a position of power and hide behind him, making sure that Hands always had every reason to carry out Huaisang's best interests. Instead, he'd had to do it all himself.
(He buries the thought that Hands reminds him, too, of his greatest enemy, and that makes Huaisang's emotions toward him all the more unsteady.)]
I also met a new dominant, whose handling I quite enjoy. [Which is a significant thing, since for a long while there was no one but Chris who fit that role for Huaisang, and then there was no longer Chris. Huaisang sits and holds out the glass, not looking at Chris, body facing forward now rather than turned toward Chris. He acknowledges to himself that when asked to speak of himself, he turned to ice and then started speaking of other people instead, but it's close enough to himself that he still threw all his guards up in order to touch the topic at all. But it's either that or derail it entirely into frivolity, showing Chris new designs and art projects and making himself as surface-level as possible. He can't bear to do that at the moment.] He calls himself Mr. Hands.
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Huaisang's body language, too, is it's own information that Chris reads like lines in a book, even if he's smarter than to assign meaning to it beyond guesswork just yet.]
Yes, I'm acquainted with Mr. Hands. I've taken some measures to offer advice, information, and resources here and there...I think he might be good for the city. You must be the employer he mentioned, then...since the rest of your list were new hires as well. I'm...glad you've found someone who can meet your needs with mutual benefit.
[Sex and money for some services Hands was providing, it was a good arrangement. As he'd told the man himself, he was a good business man...and Huaisang might do well with someone willing to be the hard front sometimes needed.
Mores gently he offers:] If you'd rather not talk, then I can do that as well...my aim wasn't to cause strife in you.
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Glancing over with interest at what Chris says about Hands, Huaisang studies his expression for an extra second before responding.] They weren't all new hires--Methos doesn't work for me. But you're right. I hired him to handle my higher-level investments. Peggy handles the finances of the store--salaries and bills, all that--and Javert sees to the household expenses, but I've mostly done the higher-level stuff myself. Much though I hate having to do work, I ... I'm a bureaucrat. [Huaisang wrinkles his nose. He loves bureaucracy, really, loves the opportunities it creates for doing things unnoticed, for hiding one's competence, and for accelerating or misplacing priorities as he deems fit. But he'd still rather not have to do it at all.] And it's very rare that I find people who have expertise in that kind of high-level bureaucratic and financial operations. It's not even that much--I've got one shop and a party venue, it's not like I'm here to run a business empire--but still. [He sighs deeply.] The bureaucratic systems here are amazing--they have these things called spreadsheets, which organize information ... nevermind. It's still work. So as much as I like it and value it and want it done, I'd rather not do it.
[Huaisang tries desperately to get himself to summarize or move on from the topic, since he assumes that Chris (like most people) has little interest in extended debates on economic theory.]
I've encountered three people in my time here in the city who can understand that to the level that I do--Hands might actually be better. He's got a broader skill set. Values information and resources, as you said. Anyway. Hired him on the spot. All my accounts at that level have been horribly neglected since I lost my last employee who did that.
Anyway. Sorry. I can talk for hours about administration and finance, it's awful.
It isn't that I don't want to talk. It's that I can't talk about myself.
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They had other things to talk about, surely. And it wasn't like Chris had sought out to own any businesses here, even though his dominants. He'd, in fact, avoided it for it being too like his responsibilities at home. At least his friend was using his skills productively, even if he didn't like to do it.]
I don't think it's awful. In another time, I'd have spent hours with you on the topic as it's near and dear to part of my duties back home as...functionally a Merchant Prince of my city afore I was ever named king...but that's beside the point and not relevant here.
But...I do want to know...why can't you talk about yourself? You're delightful and kind when appropriate and passionate about the things that hold your heart...what is there to want to avoid? [That same small smile flickers over his lips and he shakes his head.] In broader terms, if you'd rather...not to press you into something you quite literally just said you weren't comfortable with.
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[Huaisang waffles over the question, squirming in place a little and taking a sip of his drink. Chris points out what Huaisang otherwise would have, that he's asking about something that Huaisang just said he's not comfortable with, and yet he doesn't immediately rule out answering the question. The compliments help, and they sound far more positive than Huaisang would have expected (though Huaisang knows he still defaults to the assumption that even his close friends only just tolerate him).]
There are ... a lot of parts of it. I ... I'll try and hit on some of the highlights. Don't respond to any one part of it until I've got out as much as I can say, okay?
I was the younger son of a powerful nobleman, and I always disappointed him. I was never willing to change myself to conform to his expectations, and it meant that my older brother had to conform all the more, and he protected me, but I still ... have a certain belief that I should not draw attention to myself. That I can get away with what I want, but I'm a failure in all the things that I'm supposed to be, all the traits that are desirable in a man, all my duties to my sect, my people, my ancestors.
I was the weakest of all the children of all the major sects. By far. I was the useless one. The joke. People liked me because I made myself easy to like, because I was friendly and cheerful, but I was useless when anything important happened, so they left me behind. And then it just became ... normal. I was easy when people were around me, and when I wasn't around, people forgot me.
And I started to notice that there were ... advantages in that. I could get away with things, because no one expected anything from me. No one paid attention to me.
So, later, when I figured out that my brother's death had been murder, I realized that if his murderer ever realized I wasn't useless, then he'd kill me, too. I didn't have enough defenses to protect against that. I didn't have enough proof to expose him. All I could do was to be all the more useless, all the more forgettable, while I tried to figure out how to get enough proof to bring him down.
I was always isolated. Always overlooked and forgettable. But those ten years ... more than ten years. [Huaisang shakes his head, blinking away tears.] I was completely isolated. I became a caricature of myself. Useless, cowardly, frivolous.
To speak about myself, to acknowledge that I'm anything more than a shallow, cheery fool ... I spent so long in terror for my life, over that. To speak about myself brings up all those years of isolation and terror, because it's still so deeply ingrained in me that if my mask falters for even an instant, I will die, the world will be left under the influence of a cruel and murderous man who is guilty of almost every one of the ten abominations, and there will never be any justice for his victims.
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Still, he listens to the end without interrupting, even as some of what Huaisang says rings too close to home. Feeling like a failure to the expectations upon you. Having others protect you all your life...even the part about knowing death would be around the corner, should you ever let slip who you truly were...they had a few things in common he never could have guessed.
And still, it was different. Chris had come into his own when allowed to step further and further from Crystal. Huaisang had been backed into a corner and forced to dig deeper and deeper to keep safe.
Even if she'd been trapped by distance, Chris had always had Rhyt. Even Kayt...meanwhile, his friend's family was ice in the veins or blood at his heels. His mind darts back to the agony of finding Rhyt's body, of holding his twin sister's corpse...he'd had a course, a set path to heal. Huaisang hadn't.
Slowly, Chris holds a hand out in the space between them and when he speaks, his voice holds no judgement, only a cautious gentleness.]
May I wrap my arms around you afore I offer any thoughts.
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There's still tension running through Huaisang's body, defensive about having shared such vulnerable details, shaky from having dug up those devastating emotions, wary of treading wrong somehow while they're re-establishing trust between themselves. But he presses close to Chris, taking the comfort he needs.]
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You were suffering and scared and had no one to turn to. No one in your corner...that wasn't fair to you...and likely only hurt more the more it felt no one even noticed. I'm sorry you suffered that, it's more sharp than any knife I've seen and you bear the wounds with a head still held high.
So...that said...I hope you know I've only grown in respect for you in the last few minutes. What you've endured is a cruelty few can imagine or will know...who you were was who you needed to be...and there's no sin in that. It'll always be the hidden dagger under the love and care you wrap around yourself now. But...my earnest hope is that you'll be able to find the times and ways you can to set it down and try to heal as best you can...and I mean truly heal, not simply bury the pain and wounds with things you think will make it pretty and easier to bear. You deserve that much kindness to yourself.
You're worth that effort.
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I know, [he murmurs at last, once Chris has paused for Huaisang to reply.] It's been... almost four years here, I think? It must be. Three and a half. The first year and a half was ...... rough. Some of ... all of that had come here with me. I was able to process some of it, other parts were ... made worse. [But Huaisang doesn't like dwelling on that, so he moves on quickly.] Since then, I had some difficult times, especially in the wake of all that, but after the first year I always knew that I was loved here. I've always had people here to rely on, who care about me, more of them and more deeply than I ever would have expected. I've had the time and stability to heal. To ... find myself again.
The first two... two and a half years here, I wasn't sure who I was without the mask, if I no longer wanted to be the core of steel and I no longer could be the person I'd been before, the cheerful, innocent, ignorant--[Huaisang stops himself suddenly, with a surprised laugh, as he realizes something he'd never quite connected before.] I ... I was never that person, though, was I? The mask was only who they thought I was, and it only required me to play into those expectations. Telling people what they want to hear is the easiest thing in the world. [Or it is for Huaisang, anyway, but he's got both a natural talent and years of experience on that particular topic.]
Hm. [Huaisang holds up his hand to consider it, reflecting upon himself anew.] I've always been, at my core, just who I am now. Sly. Frivolous. Lazy. Soft-hearted but strong-willed. I divided myself into extremes, but I really was always just ... [He can't think of a word to encapsulate himself. Just Huaisang. He's always liked himself, always been satisfied with who he is. It's only ever been his place in the world or in the hearts of others that he's doubted.]
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But then Huaisang continues and there's that little laugh that draws Chris' attention further. That was...something connecting in the mind. Another thought coming along the first...and he waits for it.
And, again, his heart goes out to him anew. He couldn't possibly know every feeling or thought that might be going on behind those pretty eyes, but what he could glean...he could understand to some degree, at the least.]
You were who was expected...you were he who would survive...until you knew it was safe enough to let it fall away a bit more. Until you knew you could thrive and simply be you.
[He presses a kiss to Huaisang's head.]
Good. I'm glad. I'm glad, more, to know this you...the you you're wanting to be here and now. That's the man worth knowing...worth spending some time with.
[He pulls back a bit to better see his companion and press a kiss to his forehead, if allowed.]
I thank you for sharing him with me...sharing yourself with me...even as hard an ask as I know it was. Promise not to make too much habit of it.
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He reaches for his glass, taking a large gulp of the brandy before nestling back into Chris' arms. He feels emotionally worn out, wanting warmth and comfort now, to sink back into the luxury and pleasure that make up his life here and distance himself as much as possible from everything back home.]
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If the doors to this place opened tomorrow and we could leave to anywhere...what would you do?
I know what I would do...but I am...curious. For what similarities and differences lie between us, what you would settle on.
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I've built up safety here. As much as I'd like to travel, I don't know that I'd be willing to give up what I have. If there's another world where I could still have my luxuries, my fashion, my art, and as many people as I cared about who would all also be in that place?
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That is very fair...I don't know if such a world exists, but I've certainly considered it for myself. Just idly, mind, I don't think I could actually make the choice to go to another world, even with one of my loves. I...unfortunately, intend to go back home.
[Is it unfortunately? Doesn't he miss the Moonsea? Yes...he loves the Moonsea...he just hates how many bars it puts around him by being there. He absently presses his lips to Huaisang's hair and forehead.]
Though, if we'd no choice but to stay here ad make a life of it...I suppose I could make that as well. So long as certain things changed. Thank you, I was just...curious.
[Curious if his friend's demands and responsibilities pulled him the way Chris' do.]
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Finally over the line on how much vulnerability he's willing to endure, Huaisang pushes himself to sit up, giving Chris his most wheedling pout.] No more emotions. Can we have sex now?
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