[He's hurt that Huaisang no longer wants to show him other sides of himself. That wasn't what he meant by it. He deflates visibly, hunching over himself on the couch a bit.]
I do not want you to hide parts of yourself... I simply bristle when things sound like commands in my ears. I think the fact that you are calculating is good, and I did not know that before. I am on your side. We can calculate together. I just don't want to be treated with that coldness. You were hard and cold to me today, and on that other day. That is the part that hurts me... Being treated like a subordinate by someone I see as my equal, my ally.
[Hubert thinks he and Huaisang are similar in some key ways, but maybe that is also where they clash. Their coldness, their sternness.]
[Huaisang softens when Hubert's anger shifts into sorrow, and the edges come off of his own anger. He sits again, but he stays at the far edge of the couch, more skittish now as he tries to be honest and vulnerable rather than honest and cutting.]
My calculating side is cold. I was ... very isolated and very terrified when I developed that side of myself. I had to just learn to be hard and then keep it hidden away.
[He presses his fingers to the bridge of his nose.] And it occurs to me now that I've only ever been obeyed by those who have seen that side of me. Back home, the only people who knew I was anything other than a harmless idiot were my most trusted aides and servants. They brought me intel, but I made all the decisions, and they obeyed me.
[He drops his hands into his lap and sighs.] I've only recently come to terms with the fact that I was always calculating, and I was always frivolous and harmless. Both are true, and I've only recently stopped seeing the two sides of my nature as in conflict.
[Hubert nods, looking down, unsure really what to say. It makes sense that he's used to treating his trusted people this way, and Hubert is a trusted person, so surely he should be able to handle it? But he isn't Huaisang's servant or aide. Maybe in a sexual sense, he enjoys being that, but not outside of that. His position serving Edelgard is the most important position he's held and it always will be, and to him it's degrading when others think they can just step into a role of being in charge of him without earning it the way she did. If he is going to serve someone, it has to be completely his choice to do so, as it eventually was completely his choosing to serve her. He cannot, will not be forced into it.
He knows saying any of this will likely be hurtful or prompt further argument, and besides, he's made his point already, so he keeps his response simple.]
I'm sorry I was cold, and I'm sorry I treated you as a subordinate.
[Huaisang sighs, feeling sad and tired, but he at least relaxes somewhat into the couch, no longer quite as skittish and ready to bolt.]
I appreciate the impulse to protect me. I like it very much. But I have Hannibal well in hand. Not because I trust him, no more than I trust anyone, but because I understand what's important to him--luxury, art, privacy--and I can provide those things better than anyone else can.
[Propping his arm on the back of the couch and his head on his fist, Huaisang meets Hubert's eyes.] And if I have misjudged and he does betray me in any matter more significant than a bit of pride and hurt feelings ... then he will regret it for a hundred years. [The flicker of smug sadism that curls Huaisang's lips for a moment belongs more on Hubert's face than Huaisang's. It disappears as quickly as it came, shuttered into a blank facade.]
[It's said firmly, with a slight edge of anger and vengefulness, but then a small smirk twists into his dour features. He meets Huaisang's eyes. Oh, how the two of them could create hell, once they work out how not to be at each other's throats.]
[Emotionally drained after everything, Huaisang shifts over to rest his head in Hubert's lap.] Now you have me even more honest. What else do you wish to ask of me?
[From the way the statement trails off, Huaisang thinks that a question will follow after a pause, but it doesn't, so he sits up to study Hubert's face.] Do you forgive me?
[The fingers in his hair made him think that Hubert did, but he isn't sure what's unsaid behind Hubert's hesitation.]
[Huaisang sighs and nods, empathizing with that answer.] I have a temper.
... Runs in the family.
[He tucks back down into Hubert's lap, wanting those hands back in his hair. He nestles his cheek against Hubert's thigh, resting his hand on Hubert's knee.] That's the other thing that's easier about keeping people at arm's length. Keeping all my relationships shallow, so they don't see anything beyond the sweetness.
I think ... I mentioned quarreling with my husband?
I feel like I ought to just accept the blame. Accept that I'm difficult. I figure I'm probably not worth the trouble of dealing with that.
[Hubert's hands do go back into his hair at once.]
Hm. I am a difficult person, myself. It makes me quite sad at times, not being able to get along with others the way some people so easily do. But... I think that both of us are worth the trouble.
[Huaisang turns his head to look up at Hubert at that, giving him a fond smile.] I'm glad you think so. I definitely still struggle enormously with believing that people will still want me around even after they've seen more than just the sweet and frivolous side of me. I used to struggle with believing that people wanted me around even when that was all they saw, and I would try to modify myself to fit whatever I thought they wanted. I wore myself out trying to do that here, only ever catering to other people's desires and kinks. It's been amazing to me that people like me even better when I'm bold about what I want rather than trying to shape myself to suit them. And I've gotten much better believing that I am desirable.
To be clear, I have never thought of you as simply sweet and frivolous. You're much more complex than that, even from first impression.
At times I wish I had a more palatable mask to show people, such as your sweetness, so I might have a smoother experience here. But I think you're right, it is better to embrace ourselves and allow people who cannot handle it to weed themselves out.
Yes. [Huaisang nods, sitting up enough to shift into Hubert's lap, snuggling close into his arms because he wants to cling. He tucks his face against the side of Hubert's neck with a tiny little whimper.] It's better to have people who want us as we are rather than to try and pretend. I do believe--or I want to believe, and try to make it true--that the sweet, fun side of me is the truest side. I'm happiest when I never have to be hard and cold and calculating. But that side of me is always there, protecting me and making sure I have defenses and escape routes.
Yes, I know what that is like. I have always had to be that way to keep Her Majesty safe.
[His protectiveness served them well back then, but here in Duplicity, people tend to hate it. So he's trying to figure out how to compromise on it without feeling terrified.]
I'm tired, Hubert. [Huaisang sighs, sorrowful and apologetic, curling tighter into himself with his cheek still on Hubert's thigh.] Tired of having to be guarded and suspicious and calculating.
[Huaisang nods, quiet and subdued, staring into space.] I do feel safe with you. [He leaves it at that, not wanting to get into any of it further. Easier to just push it all aside and move on, to focus on the happy things in his life and repress the rest of it.]
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I do not want you to hide parts of yourself... I simply bristle when things sound like commands in my ears. I think the fact that you are calculating is good, and I did not know that before. I am on your side. We can calculate together. I just don't want to be treated with that coldness. You were hard and cold to me today, and on that other day. That is the part that hurts me... Being treated like a subordinate by someone I see as my equal, my ally.
[Hubert thinks he and Huaisang are similar in some key ways, but maybe that is also where they clash. Their coldness, their sternness.]
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My calculating side is cold. I was ... very isolated and very terrified when I developed that side of myself. I had to just learn to be hard and then keep it hidden away.
[He presses his fingers to the bridge of his nose.] And it occurs to me now that I've only ever been obeyed by those who have seen that side of me. Back home, the only people who knew I was anything other than a harmless idiot were my most trusted aides and servants. They brought me intel, but I made all the decisions, and they obeyed me.
[He drops his hands into his lap and sighs.] I've only recently come to terms with the fact that I was always calculating, and I was always frivolous and harmless. Both are true, and I've only recently stopped seeing the two sides of my nature as in conflict.
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He knows saying any of this will likely be hurtful or prompt further argument, and besides, he's made his point already, so he keeps his response simple.]
I see.
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[Huaisang sighs, feeling sad and tired, but he at least relaxes somewhat into the couch, no longer quite as skittish and ready to bolt.]
I appreciate the impulse to protect me. I like it very much. But I have Hannibal well in hand. Not because I trust him, no more than I trust anyone, but because I understand what's important to him--luxury, art, privacy--and I can provide those things better than anyone else can.
[Propping his arm on the back of the couch and his head on his fist, Huaisang meets Hubert's eyes.] And if I have misjudged and he does betray me in any matter more significant than a bit of pride and hurt feelings ... then he will regret it for a hundred years. [The flicker of smug sadism that curls Huaisang's lips for a moment belongs more on Hubert's face than Huaisang's. It disappears as quickly as it came, shuttered into a blank facade.]
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[It's said firmly, with a slight edge of anger and vengefulness, but then a small smirk twists into his dour features. He meets Huaisang's eyes. Oh, how the two of them could create hell, once they work out how not to be at each other's throats.]
Thank you. I'm sorry I was sharp as well.
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Oh, I don't know...
[He almost fears another question will just prompt more arguments. He doesn't really wish to pry further, lest he fall into some trap.]
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[The fingers in his hair made him think that Hubert did, but he isn't sure what's unsaid behind Hubert's hesitation.]
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[He looks down. For once, he wishes he was less stubborn, better at getting along with people.]
You can ask me anything you like, though.
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... Runs in the family.
[He tucks back down into Hubert's lap, wanting those hands back in his hair. He nestles his cheek against Hubert's thigh, resting his hand on Hubert's knee.] That's the other thing that's easier about keeping people at arm's length. Keeping all my relationships shallow, so they don't see anything beyond the sweetness.
I think ... I mentioned quarreling with my husband?
I feel like I ought to just accept the blame. Accept that I'm difficult. I figure I'm probably not worth the trouble of dealing with that.
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Hm. I am a difficult person, myself. It makes me quite sad at times, not being able to get along with others the way some people so easily do. But... I think that both of us are worth the trouble.
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At times I wish I had a more palatable mask to show people, such as your sweetness, so I might have a smoother experience here. But I think you're right, it is better to embrace ourselves and allow people who cannot handle it to weed themselves out.
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[His protectiveness served them well back then, but here in Duplicity, people tend to hate it. So he's trying to figure out how to compromise on it without feeling terrified.]
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It is tiresome. I suppose you just have to find solace in those you do trust.
[His thumb strokes at Huaisang's temple.]
wrap?