Don't thank me, daozhang. All I've done is hurt you.
[He kisses the top of Xingchen's head, feeling like he should go or let Xingchen go so that he can talk to Xue Yang, but also feeling like he shouldn't leave Xingchen alone while he's this upset. So he just holds him lightly, feeling like an impostor and waiting to be pushed away.]
[Huaisang's quiet for a moment, regrets starting to think in. He prefers to think over his confessions and revelations, so that he can make sure he's checked all the aspects of it in advance.
He makes himself cold in order to handle these things, but when he softens again, he starts to think about emotions and consequences.
The horror sinks in of how blithely he drew attention to the fact that Xingchen had taken his own life precisely because he could not cope with the pain of what Xue Yang had done. He wonders if he's killed Xingchen anew with this.]
A-Chen. [He curls closer, arms tightening around Xingchen as he lets go of his hard shell and all his empathy and insecurities crash down on him.] A-Chen, I'm so sorry. Daozhang, don't--don't, it's not worth it. Just forget all of it. If our memories were altered so we can cope, then let it be. Let it lie. Forget the truth.
[ He'd been alone before. But he's still fragile. Brittle. He just hadn't realized it until tonight, though the night before, with Xue Yang, had hinted at it.
Xingchen draws in a shuddering breath when he feels and hears his lover soften and try to fix him back up. Doubt washes over him.
What is real?
What is right?
What right does he have to seek happiness? Selfish idiot.
He keeps his eyes closed but lifts his head enough to press a kiss to Huaisang's shoulder. ]
I know. [Huaisang nuzzles at him and kisses Xingchen's hair again.] It would be okay even if you were. I'm sorry I hurt you. I'm sorry I told you all that.
[Foolish Huaisang. Foolish to trust, to let anyone see the manipulator beneath the mask, to think that anyone in the world could cope with the truth of their own lives. He knows he can't.
Suddenly this place, in all its stark, vicious hypocrisy, seems more right than anything Huaisang has known before. He is a liar, a manipulator, composed of deceit that he turns against himself as much as anyone unfortunate enough to be involved with him.
He wants to beg Xingchen not to take his life again, but such a plea just seems even more cruel. If Xingchen can't bear it, Huaisang isn't selfish enough to demand that he endure just to make Huaisang's life easier.
All he knows how to do is to regress into the safety of ignorance.] It's just rumor, Xingchen. It's probably not even true. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
[ His breath shudders out as he tries to hold on. He doesn't know why he tries. Why he bothers. He's just a selfish idiot who is still far too ignorant and trusting.
Xingchen can't bring himself to remove his lover from his lap though. Selfish and needy, greedy for comfort and affection.
Affection starved.
Longing for his other half...who he has betrayed in so many ways he feels himself start to shatter apart again.
A rumor. A dagger to a heart that already has gaping cracks in it. ]
I can't...forget what you have said...what it could mean...I can't.
[Huaisang just holds him tight, pressing his cheek against Xingchen's hair. He doesn't know what else to do. He doesn't know how badly he's messed this all up. Huaisang was weak, and he let Xingchen's question get under his skin. He'd been too honest, and he should know better. The only safety was in foolishness.
That was the only way anyone would ever love him, after all. Huaisang, the sweet fool.
He keeps quiet, trying at least not to make the situation any worse.]
I don't know, Daozhang. I don't know. [Huaisang presses his face into Xingchen's hair, scared of losing him, guilty about hurting him, terrified that his own carelessness will mean Xingchen's death--or Xue Yang's. He'd been on edge since he met Xue Yang, even though his feelings for Xue Yang had deepened so much, and yet there'd always been the question of whether this was really something that could work.
He'd managed to resist asking, before this, how it was that Xingchen could love Xue Yang.
[ Something in him goes still at the withdrawal. The tremors fade and he doesn't respond to the feel of Huaisang's tighter hold.
Doesn't matter.
Xingchen braces himself before pressing one more kiss to his lover's shoulder, then gently lifts him from his lap, setting him aside. ]
I do not know either.
[ He sounds tired, and knows it, as he stands. He keeps his eyes closed as he reaches into his sleeve to pull out his blindfold, setting it back in place around his head. ]
[Huaisang doesn't try to hold him. He'd been braced for this since he first set down his hot chocolate--now cold and congealed. He stays where he's put and keeps his mouth shut.
He doesn't know if this is a rejection. He doesn't know if he'll ever see Xingchen again. Either of them, depending on how their confrontation goes.
He knows he doesn't have any right to stop him.
Retreating to his bedroom, he curls up under the covers and weeps.]
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[He kisses the top of Xingchen's head, feeling like he should go or let Xingchen go so that he can talk to Xue Yang, but also feeling like he shouldn't leave Xingchen alone while he's this upset. So he just holds him lightly, feeling like an impostor and waiting to be pushed away.]
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I'm thanking you because you are telling me the truth you know. It...is a pain I must accept.
[ He just doesn't know if he has the strength to bear it, once he hears the rest from Xue Yang. ]
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He makes himself cold in order to handle these things, but when he softens again, he starts to think about emotions and consequences.
The horror sinks in of how blithely he drew attention to the fact that Xingchen had taken his own life precisely because he could not cope with the pain of what Xue Yang had done. He wonders if he's killed Xingchen anew with this.]
A-Chen. [He curls closer, arms tightening around Xingchen as he lets go of his hard shell and all his empathy and insecurities crash down on him.] A-Chen, I'm so sorry. Daozhang, don't--don't, it's not worth it. Just forget all of it. If our memories were altered so we can cope, then let it be. Let it lie. Forget the truth.
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Xingchen draws in a shuddering breath when he feels and hears his lover soften and try to fix him back up. Doubt washes over him.
What is real?
What is right?
What right does he have to seek happiness? Selfish idiot.
He keeps his eyes closed but lifts his head enough to press a kiss to Huaisang's shoulder. ]
I am not upset with you, A-Sang.
no subject
[Foolish Huaisang. Foolish to trust, to let anyone see the manipulator beneath the mask, to think that anyone in the world could cope with the truth of their own lives. He knows he can't.
Suddenly this place, in all its stark, vicious hypocrisy, seems more right than anything Huaisang has known before. He is a liar, a manipulator, composed of deceit that he turns against himself as much as anyone unfortunate enough to be involved with him.
He wants to beg Xingchen not to take his life again, but such a plea just seems even more cruel. If Xingchen can't bear it, Huaisang isn't selfish enough to demand that he endure just to make Huaisang's life easier.
All he knows how to do is to regress into the safety of ignorance.] It's just rumor, Xingchen. It's probably not even true. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
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Xingchen can't bring himself to remove his lover from his lap though. Selfish and needy, greedy for comfort and affection.
Affection starved.
Longing for his other half...who he has betrayed in so many ways he feels himself start to shatter apart again.
A rumor. A dagger to a heart that already has gaping cracks in it. ]
I can't...forget what you have said...what it could mean...I can't.
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That was the only way anyone would ever love him, after all. Huaisang, the sweet fool.
He keeps quiet, trying at least not to make the situation any worse.]
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Xingchen's fingers flex where they rest at Huaisang's waist. Loose, tight. Clinging. Trying to will himself to let go.
Conflicted. Even in just whether he will stay curled up with his lover. ]
Huaisang...You see...a lot more than I ever could...
There is so much I do not understand...
I do not even know what to ask.
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He'd managed to resist asking, before this, how it was that Xingchen could love Xue Yang.
He should have let it go. He should have lied.]
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Doesn't matter.
Xingchen braces himself before pressing one more kiss to his lover's shoulder, then gently lifts him from his lap, setting him aside. ]
I do not know either.
[ He sounds tired, and knows it, as he stands. He keeps his eyes closed as he reaches into his sleeve to pull out his blindfold, setting it back in place around his head. ]
Good night, Huaisang.
[ He heads for the door to leave for the night. ]
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He doesn't know if this is a rejection. He doesn't know if he'll ever see Xingchen again. Either of them, depending on how their confrontation goes.
He knows he doesn't have any right to stop him.
Retreating to his bedroom, he curls up under the covers and weeps.]