Am I submissive enough? Perhaps I am being a little too hard on myself again.
( It's difficult, but the praise that he's received in recent months for his obedience has helped. He doesn't feel quite so insecure about it when he knows it's something that pleases his lovers β and most especially his husband. )
I never knew the warm touch of a man before I came here. Sometimes I worry that I am too clumsy with my lovemaking, too rough or too wild with others. I am glad that I have not disappointed you, that you enjoy it so much.
You are. [Rising, Huaisang leans against his husband, arms resting on Javert's chest, head falling forward onto his shoulder, murmuring against the cloth as he continues.] My darling, I don't think there is anyone else in this city as submissive as you are. And sometimes it worries me how much that pleases me, how thoroughly I want to be obeyed and doted upon, since I have been called dark and corrupt by a handful of people in this place when they have seen how I enjoy my power.
But even for me, sometimes, you are perhaps a little too submissive. Not in that I want you to be dominant, because I don't. [Huaisang lifts his head to give him a wry but also warning look, but keeps his head up when his expression clears.]
What I mean is that when you misstep, when we have any level of misunderstanding, you try to make yourself all the more servile, all the more emotionless and irreproachable. And I do not like that.
I like my passionate, lustful, possessive, sometimes feral husband. I do not want you being so submissive that you deny yourself all your passions. I like you wild. I like very much having a dangerous and rough man who is soft and tamed for me, who obeys my every command in an instant.
( Javert's heart swells with pride at those words, his expression softening even further, yielding a little when Huaisang flashes him that warning look. He doesn't look guilty at all, but a little bit sheepish, as his husband continues, meeting his gaze and wrapping his thick arms around him. )
I only wish to try to calm you, Huaisang. I don't know what else to do.
( Huaisang is not at all like the other authority figures in his life, those who expect him to do everything he's told without thought β who call him mad when he rebels in any small way. His pleasure quickly turns to ferocity, displeased that anyone would call Huaisang corrupt. )
And who has said these things about you? I've never heard such nonsense.
I do not want to be calmed, [Huaisang snaps, instantly irritable, temper flashing. He quiets, takes a breath and a moment.]
We can speak of those people later. I'll list off their names and the circumstances and you can hate them for me.
Right now this is still about us.
I remember one of our earlier fights, near our wedding. We had several heated ones in a relatively short amount of time, so I forget which one it was that gave me this thought, but I remember feeling so grateful and relieved that you fought with me. I need a husband who will fight with me when there is a problem.
It is not good for me to have a partner who only yields and does not tell me there is a problem. And it is even more not good for me to have a partner who shames me for my temper and makes me feel that I am unreasonable. I need someone who lets me lose my temper and who still stands up to me, who is honest and forthright and tells me when there is a problem.
And you do. You fight with me when you are displeased with something. We just need to work on making sure that you have that same certainty and backbone when I'm the one who's displeased.
( Javert's arms fall away the moment Huaisang snaps, suddenly irate and irritable in a way that he doesn't expect. He stands there for a moment, his own temper flaring in response, looking a little more dangerous and severe as the seconds tick by. )
There you've done it! Now I'm displeased.
( It does irritate him a little, knowing that his reactions are not pleasing to Huaisang unless he is angry. He raises his voice a little, no longer meek or satisfied. )
I've done everything in my power to make this a happy night for us both. I spoke out of turn and I didn't realize my error until you told me what was wrong. What was I suppose to say? That you need to be put in your place? I would not!
I apologized. What would you rather I do, Huaisang?
[Huaisang's brows lift at the attitude, but it is still an improvement upon the self-flagellation.]
I pinched you, [he points out, letting his own hands drop though he still wants to be held.] I was guiding you in and out and you were obeying me, and it was wonderful. You said something foolish, trying to add to the heat of the moment, trying to please me, and I pinched you to let you know that it ... wasn't ... appreciated.
That was all. You said something foolish, and I pinched you. And then you panicked. I was momentarily annoyed, and since then I've been trying to reassure you that you don't need to question your entire attitude and all your actions for the past weeks or months.
Because you've been wonderful, and you gave me a breathtaking gift, and I very much enjoyed being able to take your cock in to the hilt the way that I usually can't.
( He says, still very much annoyed and unable to cool off as easily as Huaisang can. There's a desire in him to throw on his coat and go for a walk out in the snow β anything he can do to distance himself from this conversation and settle his mind a little, but he's afraid that Huaisang would take it badly. And then they will be back where they are. His nostrils flare a little, breathing in deeply. )
I didn't wish to continue after you pinched me. Now, I am far too riled up to to go to bed. So what would you like me to do? Do you know what I want to do?
What would you like? [Huaisang's less worried about Javert eating himself up with guilt and self-loathing, so he can take the irritation. He's tired, and he just wants to be in his husband's arms, but he's willing to put up with whatever Javert needs so that they can both be okay.
A little bit of a pout might get through because he can't help it, even though he does very much want to seriously support Javert and his feelings.]
I want to go outside. You may come or you may stay.
( The pout doesn't move him quite as much as it would have before. Javert goes to his room in search of a dressing-gown, something to cover him a little better so he's not completely freezing beneath his coat. He returns to their room, stepping out into the hallway through their bedroom door instead of his own. Going down the steps in search of his boots and his greatcoat, desperate to feel the winter air against his face. )
[ Huaisang squeaks a little with bewildered frustration as he tries to figure out what that requires. Itβs cold outside?? And heβs wearing an artful napkin??
Whining a little, he goes back to his room and tries to find a quick and practical outfit, despite that being antithetical to his entire wardrobe. He pulls together a wrap skirt and a blouse that donβt entirely clash as an outfit, throwing on both over his little gray romper, but when he comes
back out, Javert has already headed down the stairs without him and thereβs no one to help him with his cloak.
Itβs all too much so he just sits where he is in the middle of the hallway, near the top of the stairs. Should he fetch the cloak, which is new and lovely and wonderful, or should he go back for a more practical coat that he can handle without help and wonβt have to worry over? Does Javert even want him to come, or is he too annoyed and wants to be away from Huaisang?
Itβs a puzzle more difficult than heβs capable of dealing with, so he just sits and blinks, trying not to cry and telling himself that itβs stupid to cry over his husband wanting to go for a walk, even if the reason his husband wants to go for a walk is because Huaisang is difficult and
frustrating and impossible to please.]
( Javert doesn't get any further than his coat before he notices Huaisang near the top of the stairs. Sitting on the floor and looking as if he is experiencing some great inner turmoil, something Javert can barely comprehend. Did he twist an ankle? What is wrong with him? )
Huaisang.
( He doesn't bark, doesn't sound any more stern than he usually is β he's just trying to get his husband's attention, moving closer to the bottom of the staircase while he pulls his coat on. )
[Huaisang looks up shy and a little guilty, aware that this is a stupid problem to be having and probably not the kind of problem that normal people experience.] I don't know if I should just wear my usual coat or if I should put on the cloak, because the cloak will be extra effort and I might slow you down and I don't know if you even really want me to come or if you want to be away from me and I know it's stupid I'm sorry.
[His blinks become more rapid, tears more of a threat. Usually he doesn't feel much guilt about being high-maintenance, since he loves being doted upon and he has always had a gift for attracting people who want to obey him and care for him. But right now he feels foolish, aware that he's causing problems for his husband and unable to deal with those problems himself.]
( Javert heaves a little sigh, stepping up the stairs with slow deliberation. He buttons up his coat as he does, all the way to the chin as he steps past Huaisang and into their room, gathering up the cloak that he set aside. He offers it to him on his return, not saying much save for, )
Here. We will go to the backyard for a while. That should not be too difficult, yes?
( So there's no need for him to cry, or to worry that he is a burden to his husband. He knows Huaisang isn't always rational β most people often aren't, to him, because they're not robots. A thought does occur to him, though, and he has to ask, )
[Huaisang reaches to be helped up, trying his best to contain his pouting, focusing on getting into the cloak and getting it properly settled on his shoulders. Once it's on, Huaisang throws his arms around his husband's waist, hugging tight with his cheek around Javert's chest for a few seconds before he's willing to release.]
I... I don't know. He's changed so much. He was burdened with so much responsibility and stress, and then being poisoned in a way that brought him constantly to rage.
Let's go to the front. The yard is bigger there. Better view of the stars. [Huaisang tries a tentative smile.]
( He doesn't shy away from Huaisang's touch this time, his arms wrapping around him with an almost insufferable reassurance. As if he cannot believe he married a man foolish enough to think that his husband would leave him there to cry. )
Get your shoes on, then.
( He says it, but doesn't make any move to pull away. Better for Huaisang to decide when he's ready, as Javert looks down at him, his hand brushing lightly against his hair. )
[Huaisang nods, a little less shaky on his feet as he draws away and heads downstairs to slip his feet into a pair of pretty heeled boots. He stays close to his husband as they move outside into the snowy night. The large front yard of their home is walled and private, with the big tree in front that Huaisang loves to hang with the large baskets for lounging in. The garden behind the house is more manicured, with walkways and ponds, which the guest house looks out upon.
Huaisang tips his head up toward the sky with a smile, wispy clouds and barely-there specks of snow drifting down, stars still visible between the wisps.]
( Javert follows along beside him as quietly as ever, his arm brushing against Huaisang's as they step into the yard. His eyes never once leave the sky, looking up with wonder the stars that shine through the clouds, at the little flakes of snow that fall down on their heads. The night sky has always had a bit of a calming effect on him β taught to love the stars at such a young age, the constellations which are always so easy to identify.
He reaches out to grasp Huaisang's hand. This may not have been what he intended for their evening, but it better than anything Javert could have imagined. )
Thank you. ( He says, his heart lifting with relief. ) I would not have wanted to miss this.
[Huaisang winds their fingers together tight, pressing close against his husband's side for both comfort and warmth. He loves the beauty of the stars, too, but cuddles and affection are a higher priority for him. Resting his head on Javert's shoulder as he watches the stray flakes of snow drifting down, Huaisang makes a soft sound of agreement and contentment.] I'm just happy to be here with the man who loves me. In my very cozy and very beautiful new cloak.
It's one of the very first pieces I made on my own.
( He returns the gesture just as softly, pressing his cheek against Huaisang's hair, looking the picture of contentment as he watches the sky. )
I'm very glad you like it.
( He wants very much for Huaisang to stay warm, to have a heavy cloak to cover himself with and bring him comfort when his husband is not there to do it for him. His lips curl into a very soft, very shy smile. )
It's wonderful. I am so very proud of you and your work.
[Wanting to be closer, Huaisang turns to Javert's front, starting to unbutton his husband's coat. His hands work swiftly, like he's afraid he might be stopped, but his demeanor is needy rather than playfully salacious.
Once he has Javert's coat open, he slides his arms around Javert's waist, pressing close against his chest and resting his head on Javert's shoulder. He can't see the stars anymore, but he cares more about being held.] I love you.
( He doesn't protest when Huaisang unbuttons the front of his coat, dipping his body inside and wrapping his arms around Javert's middle. Javert doesn't know if he can deny him anything, not when his husband is so desperate for him, speaking soft, ardent words that make Javert's heart bloom with affection. )
I love you, too.
( His arms wrap around him without thinking, pulling Huaisang as close to his chest as he's able. )
Too much? [Huaisang peeks up at him, brows skewed skeptically.]
How dare you. [The words are deadpan, no heat at all, only a hint of poutiness.] There's no such thing. Anyone who says I'm too spoiled is wrong. I should be spoiled constantly, lavishly.
[Huaisang huffs and nestles his head back against Javert's shoulder. Too spoiled. The very idea.]
( His words sound more amused than they do sorrowful, though, endeared by the pouting and the huffy noises that Huaisang makes. He holds his husband tight to his chest, smiling softly to himself and glancing up at the stars, happier than he's ever felt in a while. )
I would very much like to kiss you. When you're ready.
[Huaisang relaxes into Javert's warm, solid grip, feeling safe and loved, reassured that everything is all right again between them.
He lifts his head immediately at the request, looking hopeful. Lifting himself up on his toes, Huaisang gives his husband a smile, instantly ready to receive kisses.]
( Javert doesn't keep him waiting for long, leaning down to place his mouth over Huaisang's own. Kissing him with a little bit of sweetness, his beard tickling against his husband's skin, wanting to take this slow and linger in it for as long as he can. He hums softly against Huaisang's lips, unable to keep his happiness to himself. )
Tell me when you get too cold.
( He says, already descending on him with another kiss. His lips part and he deepens it a little, his tongue teasing against Huaisang's bottom lip. )
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( It's difficult, but the praise that he's received in recent months for his obedience has helped. He doesn't feel quite so insecure about it when he knows it's something that pleases his lovers β and most especially his husband. )
I never knew the warm touch of a man before I came here. Sometimes I worry that I am too clumsy with my lovemaking, too rough or too wild with others. I am glad that I have not disappointed you, that you enjoy it so much.
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But even for me, sometimes, you are perhaps a little too submissive. Not in that I want you to be dominant, because I don't. [Huaisang lifts his head to give him a wry but also warning look, but keeps his head up when his expression clears.]
What I mean is that when you misstep, when we have any level of misunderstanding, you try to make yourself all the more servile, all the more emotionless and irreproachable. And I do not like that.
I like my passionate, lustful, possessive, sometimes feral husband. I do not want you being so submissive that you deny yourself all your passions. I like you wild. I like very much having a dangerous and rough man who is soft and tamed for me, who obeys my every command in an instant.
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I only wish to try to calm you, Huaisang. I don't know what else to do.
( Huaisang is not at all like the other authority figures in his life, those who expect him to do everything he's told without thought β who call him mad when he rebels in any small way. His pleasure quickly turns to ferocity, displeased that anyone would call Huaisang corrupt. )
And who has said these things about you? I've never heard such nonsense.
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We can speak of those people later. I'll list off their names and the circumstances and you can hate them for me.
Right now this is still about us.
I remember one of our earlier fights, near our wedding. We had several heated ones in a relatively short amount of time, so I forget which one it was that gave me this thought, but I remember feeling so grateful and relieved that you fought with me. I need a husband who will fight with me when there is a problem.
It is not good for me to have a partner who only yields and does not tell me there is a problem. And it is even more not good for me to have a partner who shames me for my temper and makes me feel that I am unreasonable. I need someone who lets me lose my temper and who still stands up to me, who is honest and forthright and tells me when there is a problem.
And you do. You fight with me when you are displeased with something. We just need to work on making sure that you have that same certainty and backbone when I'm the one who's displeased.
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There you've done it! Now I'm displeased.
( It does irritate him a little, knowing that his reactions are not pleasing to Huaisang unless he is angry. He raises his voice a little, no longer meek or satisfied. )
I've done everything in my power to make this a happy night for us both. I spoke out of turn and I didn't realize my error until you told me what was wrong. What was I suppose to say? That you need to be put in your place? I would not!
I apologized. What would you rather I do, Huaisang?
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I pinched you, [he points out, letting his own hands drop though he still wants to be held.] I was guiding you in and out and you were obeying me, and it was wonderful. You said something foolish, trying to add to the heat of the moment, trying to please me, and I pinched you to let you know that it ... wasn't ... appreciated.
That was all. You said something foolish, and I pinched you. And then you panicked. I was momentarily annoyed, and since then I've been trying to reassure you that you don't need to question your entire attitude and all your actions for the past weeks or months.
Because you've been wonderful, and you gave me a breathtaking gift, and I very much enjoyed being able to take your cock in to the hilt the way that I usually can't.
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( He says, still very much annoyed and unable to cool off as easily as Huaisang can. There's a desire in him to throw on his coat and go for a walk out in the snow β anything he can do to distance himself from this conversation and settle his mind a little, but he's afraid that Huaisang would take it badly. And then they will be back where they are. His nostrils flare a little, breathing in deeply. )
I didn't wish to continue after you pinched me. Now, I am far too riled up to to go to bed. So what would you like me to do? Do you know what I want to do?
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A little bit of a pout might get through because he can't help it, even though he does very much want to seriously support Javert and his feelings.]
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( The pout doesn't move him quite as much as it would have before. Javert goes to his room in search of a dressing-gown, something to cover him a little better so he's not completely freezing beneath his coat. He returns to their room, stepping out into the hallway through their bedroom door instead of his own. Going down the steps in search of his boots and his greatcoat, desperate to feel the winter air against his face. )
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[ Huaisang squeaks a little with bewildered frustration as he tries to figure out what that requires. Itβs cold outside?? And heβs wearing an artful napkin??
Whining a little, he goes back to his room and tries to find a quick and practical outfit, despite that being antithetical to his entire wardrobe. He pulls together a wrap skirt and a blouse that donβt entirely clash as an outfit, throwing on both over his little gray romper, but when he comes back out, Javert has already headed down the stairs without him and thereβs no one to help him with his cloak.
Itβs all too much so he just sits where he is in the middle of the hallway, near the top of the stairs. Should he fetch the cloak, which is new and lovely and wonderful, or should he go back for a more practical coat that he can handle without help and wonβt have to worry over? Does Javert even want him to come, or is he too annoyed and wants to be away from Huaisang?
Itβs a puzzle more difficult than heβs capable of dealing with, so he just sits and blinks, trying not to cry and telling himself that itβs stupid to cry over his husband wanting to go for a walk, even if the reason his husband wants to go for a walk is because Huaisang is difficult and frustrating and impossible to please.]
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Huaisang.
( He doesn't bark, doesn't sound any more stern than he usually is β he's just trying to get his husband's attention, moving closer to the bottom of the staircase while he pulls his coat on. )
What is the matter?
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[His blinks become more rapid, tears more of a threat. Usually he doesn't feel much guilt about being high-maintenance, since he loves being doted upon and he has always had a gift for attracting people who want to obey him and care for him. But right now he feels foolish, aware that he's causing problems for his husband and unable to deal with those problems himself.]
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Here. We will go to the backyard for a while. That should not be too difficult, yes?
( So there's no need for him to cry, or to worry that he is a burden to his husband. He knows Huaisang isn't always rational β most people often aren't, to him, because they're not robots. A thought does occur to him, though, and he has to ask, )
Is your brother a light sleeper?
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I... I don't know. He's changed so much. He was burdened with so much responsibility and stress, and then being poisoned in a way that brought him constantly to rage.
Let's go to the front. The yard is bigger there. Better view of the stars. [Huaisang tries a tentative smile.]
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Get your shoes on, then.
( He says it, but doesn't make any move to pull away. Better for Huaisang to decide when he's ready, as Javert looks down at him, his hand brushing lightly against his hair. )
It would be best not to disturb him.
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Huaisang tips his head up toward the sky with a smile, wispy clouds and barely-there specks of snow drifting down, stars still visible between the wisps.]
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He reaches out to grasp Huaisang's hand. This may not have been what he intended for their evening, but it better than anything Javert could have imagined. )
Thank you. ( He says, his heart lifting with relief. ) I would not have wanted to miss this.
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( He returns the gesture just as softly, pressing his cheek against Huaisang's hair, looking the picture of contentment as he watches the sky. )
I'm very glad you like it.
( He wants very much for Huaisang to stay warm, to have a heavy cloak to cover himself with and bring him comfort when his husband is not there to do it for him. His lips curl into a very soft, very shy smile. )
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[Wanting to be closer, Huaisang turns to Javert's front, starting to unbutton his husband's coat. His hands work swiftly, like he's afraid he might be stopped, but his demeanor is needy rather than playfully salacious.
Once he has Javert's coat open, he slides his arms around Javert's waist, pressing close against his chest and resting his head on Javert's shoulder. He can't see the stars anymore, but he cares more about being held.] I love you.
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I love you, too.
( His arms wrap around him without thinking, pulling Huaisang as close to his chest as he's able. )
I do not spoil you too much, do I?
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How dare you. [The words are deadpan, no heat at all, only a hint of poutiness.] There's no such thing. Anyone who says I'm too spoiled is wrong. I should be spoiled constantly, lavishly.
[Huaisang huffs and nestles his head back against Javert's shoulder. Too spoiled. The very idea.]
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( His words sound more amused than they do sorrowful, though, endeared by the pouting and the huffy noises that Huaisang makes. He holds his husband tight to his chest, smiling softly to himself and glancing up at the stars, happier than he's ever felt in a while. )
I would very much like to kiss you. When you're ready.
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He lifts his head immediately at the request, looking hopeful. Lifting himself up on his toes, Huaisang gives his husband a smile, instantly ready to receive kisses.]
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Tell me when you get too cold.
( He says, already descending on him with another kiss. His lips part and he deepens it a little, his tongue teasing against Huaisang's bottom lip. )
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