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[fanoperator]

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[cultivatingsin]

[His jaw clenches and he squeezes Huaisang's hand, trying to work through the nasty feeling he is losing...something. Maybe someone.]

That...Rafa? He made you an offer, didn't he?

[Why does it matter? It's not like he has been faithful to anyone in the past. But.]

[fanoperator]

[Huaisang blinks a couple of times, puzzled by the expression on Xue Yang's face. The three of them certainly hadn't been exclusive before coming here--well, maybe Xingchen had, and Huaisang had only exchanged a few kisses, but them not being exclusive had ended up being an important element in them ending up as a threesome, so he's surprised by this.]

Stop looking so ferocious.

[Huaisang kisses the bridge of his nose, then his lips, trying to soothe his temper a little.]

You don't want me to accept?

[cultivatingsin]

[Exactly! So why does it bother him now? Xue Yang has never had any kind of real connection or emotion in his life. There is a fear, in the back of his mind, that if Huaisang and Xingchen branch out, they might find him...lacking. Or they might decide he isn't worth the trouble!]

It's not up to me.

[He sighs and closes his eyes, sorry that he is putting Huaisang in such an awkward position. If they weren't tied up like this, he might have worked out his irritation in other ways.]

Is he better?

[fanoperator]

[Huaisang blinks a couple of times, bewildered, before he even understands the question.] Than you? No. Absolutely not.

[Hugging close to him, Huaisang winds his arms tight around Xue Yang's waist.] It is up to you. I love you. If it makes you unhappy, I won't do it.

[cultivatingsin]

[Settling his arms around him, he takes a moment to think rather than feel. No matter his misgivings, it isn't fair for him to block Huaisang from anything or anyone.

What if he comes to resent him?

No, he can't have that.]

It doesn't. [While those words are mostly a lie at the moment, he hopes to change that soon.] I don't own you. This is just...new...to me. I'm not sure how to handle it.

[fanoperator]

Mm, I think it does. [Huaisang gently nips at Xue Yang's chin.] I'm pretty sure you just said you're unhappy, so you can't lie to me now.

Do you want us to be exclusive? I mean, it makes sense while we're on the ship. It'd be a challenge to take him up on the offer, even if you were happy about it. But once... whenever... if we ever are released from the arm's length bond?

[cultivatingsin]

[He is serious about Xingchen - so much so that sharing him with Song Lan had been unacceptable. Yet he had been okay with Huaisang. Maybe because they all came together at around the same time?]

I was...to Xingchen. [Admitting that feels strange.] For years. He just wasn't alive.

[fanoperator]

[Huaisang nuzzles his cheek against Xue Yang's shoulder, quiet at that. He already knows that their bond to each other is much deeper than their bond to him. They have all those years together. He's just the third wheel, and once the novelty wears off, they'll realize that they don't need him after all. He doesn't want to do anything to hasten that inevitability, and he doesn't like being reminded of it, so he just stays quiet.]

[cultivatingsin]

A-Sang... [The silence bothers him and he pulls him into his lap, giving him several tender kisses in a row.] I love you too. I want you to be happy with me and -

I love that you care about Xingchen. There is something special about you and I -

I don't want to lose you. [He feels happier with him - like he can breathe easier.] So I want you to be happy.

In whatever way you choose. Just...come back to me? Come back to Xingchen? It's important that you do.

[fanoperator]

I want to be with you both. [Huaisang curls close to him, insecure and clingy.] If you want to be exclusive--I mean, I assume Xingchen is going to be. I can't imagine him doing otherwise.

Are you going to be exclusive to the two of us?

[cultivatingsin]

Probably. [He answers softly, unsure how it will be taken.] Yes. I might tease and flirt, but...

I only have room for two. [Xue Yang gives him a small smile.] Does that bother you? You don't...have to be.

You're a lot more charming than I am, A-Sang.

[fanoperator]

[Huaisang tucks his face against Xue Yang's neck, nuzzling at him. He's quiet for a while longer, not entirely sure how he feels. He wants so much to be valued and loved, but he's still terrified of being excluded by them, the part of their trio that both of them love less.]

I'll be exclusive. It wouldn't be fair otherwise. Just tell me you love me.

[cultivatingsin]

[The silence is terrifying and he feels like someone has blindfolded him and covered his ears. Is Huaisang having second thoughts? Are they not enough for him? He can certainly understand that where he is concerned, but Xingchen - ?

Biting the inside of his cheek, he cocks his head.]

I do love you. If I didn't love you, [I would've treated you like Song Zichen.] Let's just say, you would know.

[His lips twist bitterly.]

I didn't expect to feel so much for you - or for anyone. But you're perfect.

[fanoperator]

[Huaisang shivers a little bit, grip tightening fiercely on Xue Yang.] Don't just say I would know, A-Yang. That's too scary.

[Kissing his cheek softly, Huaisang makes an effort to lift his head, giving Xue Yang a shy but scared look.] I'm not perfect. But I'll try my best to make you happy.

[cultivatingsin]

[He rubs his hands over Huaisang's back, guilt making his chest tight.]

What I did to Song Zichen was wrong. But I was jealous of the bond he shared with Xingchen. It's funny, I've never been jealous of Xingchen's feelings for you or your feelings for him.

[Cupping his face between his hands, Xue Yang murmurs:]

You're with Xue Yang. I'm about as far from perfect as you can get, A-Sang. But I love you and I'll help you smile.

[fanoperator]

[Huaisang cracks a little smile this time Xue Yang says that he loves him. He's still quiet for a minute, but then he nods shyly.]

I'm glad to have you both. I'm ... I'm scared that you'll decide you don't want me after all. I know you're scared of that, too.

[Hugging tight to him, Huaisang presses a few soft kisses to Xue Yang's face.] I love you. I'll be yours. I don't need anyone but you two.

[cultivatingsin]

If I didn't want you, why would I be feeling this jealous?

[He asks the question softly, flushing hotly, unable to meet Huaisang's gaze.]

And I know my jealousy is a problem. I need to work on it.

[He can't let it run wild or he will ruin the blessings he has been given.]

I'm not so scary that you can't tell me how you feel, SangSang. I hope you realize that?

[fanoperator]

It's not a problem. You said you're not jealous of me with Xingchen, and that's all there's going to be, so there's no reason for you to be jealous. [Huaisang kisses that heated blush, nuzzling at him.]

I trust you. With my safety and my feelings both. I'm sorry I get insecure sometimes.

[cultivatingsin]

No... That's...

It's different. He needs an A-Sang almost as much as I do.

[He chuckles breathlessly, capturing Huaisang's lips for a lingering kiss.]

What do you think about that makes you insecure? We can talk about it. That might help.

[fanoperator]

[Huaisang blushes at the phrasing and the way that Xue Yang reiterates that they both need someone like him in their lives. He returns the kiss, needing the reassurance of it.]

I... I feel like I'm going to be a bother. Like I'm only a nuisance or burden. Even if I'm amusing or pleasant sometimes, being stuck with me, you'll... Why would you want me when you can have him? Why would he want me when he can have you? I should just... get out of your way.

[cultivatingsin]

[In one smooth motion, he pins Huaisang to the bed, trapping him between his thighs. Considering how little he is wearing, the movement more or less exposes every inch of him. Sorry not sorry.]

Did your brother make you feel like this? [He gives him a stern look before softening and nuzzling over Huaisang's face.] You're generous, you're kind, you're funny and braver than you give yourself credit for, A-Sang. Who would give me a chance? But you did and you opened yourself to Xingchen...

[He touches Huaisang's lips.]

If you had been around before, maybe things would've gone better.

[fanoperator]

[Huaisang gasps as he's pinned down, glancing over at Xingchen worriedly to see if they're going to wake him, then returning his attention to Xue Yang.] Don't... don't speak ill of my brother.

[As much as he loves Xue Yang and Xiao Xingchen, he knows very much that no one will ever come close to Nie Mingjue in his heart.] Not him. Everyone else. Either I was just my status, or I was entertaining for a while and then a burden to be left behind.

[cultivatingsin]

I didn't know him well besides him throwing his sword at my face.

[Not that he hadn't deserved it, mind you. And then he had been ordered to chop off his head, but that doesn't need to be said.

Xue Yang redirects Huaisang's attention back to him with a hand on his chin.]

Sorry, you're stuck with me. For as long as you can stand and even if you reach a point where I anger or frustrate you, I will still love you.

[Because he is that type of person - affection starved and unafraid to hang on.]

I don't care about your status and you don't have to entertain me. I'm happy falling asleep beside you.

[fanoperator]

[Huaisang is so touched by his sweetness and loyalty. He smiles softly, yearning but still a little sad. His thumb traces Xue Yang's lower lip as he turns over his words in his mind, then his lips suddenly quirk with a smile.] How could I be angry or frustrated with you when you've always been so very good at doing as I ask?

[Huaisang does enjoy that. He loves how Xue Yang is good at throwing around physical dominance, but it's Huaisang who likes giving commands and having them obeyed.]

[cultivatingsin]

Mm it's a habit now, but even if it wasn't, I would do what you ask of me.

[He parts his lips against the thumb and sucks on the finger seductively. Huaisang is sweet - he loves that about him - but he isn't blinded to the fact that he is also cunning. Nie Mingjue had the deep morality and the strength, but Nie Huaisang has the sharp mind and ability to act very well.]