Mm. [Huaisang's shoulders draw back slightly, spine prickling for a moment. If Xingchen had simply said yes, asked for what Huaisang knew, it's possible that he would have made that decision and told Xingchen what he thought he should know. Or it 's possible that he would have given him forthright honesty and the context he needed to understand it.
But that desire to put his own fate so firmly into Huaisang's hands is something that Huaisang doesn't quite know how to respond to, and it brings out a sharply calculating edge in Huaisang. It's not often that people ask to be manipulated.
What does he think Xingchen should know? He could choose to protect Xingchen's happiness and innocence. Or he could tell him what Huaisang would want to know in his position.]
Xue Yang did fairly little to me, as far as I know. He was Jin Guangyao's tool and weapon, but I do not know if Jin Guangyao involved him in my brother's murder, or to what extent. The Chang Clan was allied to the Nie Sect, but no more than that. I didn't mourn them. His crimes are easier for me to overlook because they horrify me in a distant, theoretical way.
[Still not looking at Xingchen even as he allows himself to be watched, Huaisang sets down the hot chocolate mostly untouched.]
I saw the dead in the Chang Clan courtyard. I still have nightmare about the expressions on their faces.
How could anyone ever trust a person who could torture someone to death? How could you ever love them?
[Huaisang laughs once, quietly. It's an empty, cold sound, without humor.]
As if Qinghe doesn't have a dungeon.
I'm not sure if the Lan Sect tortures their captives and enemies. All the others do, though, or did, at various points within my lifetime.
So what's the difference between Xue Yang torturing someone for a personal grudge or a respected clan leader torturing a political enemy? Only that the clan leader is protected by status and wealth.
Here's my point, Xingchen.
[Huaisang opens his qiankun pouch and draws out his fan, toying with it.]
If Xue Yang had done the things to me and my loved ones that he did to you and yours, I would never forgive him.
So, why don't you answer again, Daozhang. Would you still want to know the truth if it meant you could no longer love him?
[ His hands have stopped moving while he waits, and listens, arms settling back around Huaisang's waist.
How. Xingchen focuses on keeping his breathing steady, though his lover can probably feel how fast his heart is beating. Feel the very slight tremor as he forces himself to think, rather than just feel.
Some of it makes little sense, despite all his experience, all he's learned since leaving his master's side.
He shakes his head, sharply. ]
You are telling me...that there is something more he has done to me and mine that I do not know? Something even worse?
[Huaisang is a little surprised that he's still being held after that, but he's also not surprised that Xingchen wants something to hold on to. Even if Huaisang has made clear that he's willing to hurt him, if what Xingchen wants is the truth.]
That was your original question. We don't know whether or not your memory was altered. Whether you know everything he did. It seems like you should. [Huaisang taps the scar on Xingchen's throat.]
I don't know the entirety of your story. I only know pieces and hearsay.
But, Daozhang, I genuinely do not understand how you can bear that scar and still be capable of loving him.
[ He'd rather know the truth and hurt from it than not know it at all and be lied to. Huaisang is willing to tell him just that. Xingchen calms a little by the time his lover makes that last comment.
If there's more, Huaisang doesn't know, or isn't aware he doesn't know.
This time he doesn't flinch when his scar is tapped. He sighs and tips his head down to rest his forehead against Huaisang's shoulder. ]
...I will talk to him. Ask him...compare what I remember. I would rather know the truth than be lied to again.
As for how I can love him...? I tried not to. I didn't think I could. I cannot explain why I do.
[Huaisang's arms come up to embrace him as soon as Xingchen's forehead rests against his shoulder. He holds Xingchen tightly, resting his cheek against his lover's hair in order to try and comfort him.
Huaisang knows that he is no longer a creature who deserves to be loved. He's hardened himself into a tool for vengeance, and now that his vengeance has been completed, he lives only for the responsibility of his sect and his own pleasure. Xingchen only loves the sweet, gentle side of him, and Huaisang doubts if he can love the glimpses he's seen of Huaisang's true nature.
He wonders how either of them can love Xue Yang, knowing what they do.
Love, he thinks, is just a desperate self-delusion.
And then he forgets that, because he's a romantic, and he clings to his sweet self-delusions.]
Xingchen. [Softly, because he doesn't want to hurt him farther and Xingchen has already decided on his course of action.] I know that there was a young girl who was involved in the things that happened with you in Yi City.
I heard one of the accounts given by the juniors who were in the city when Xue Yang was killed there. Her eyes and tongue had been cut out.
[He can only assume that Xue Yang had done it, and from what he knows of the story, it must have happened after Xingchen's death. If Xingchen is seeking a full account, he ought to know to ask for that piece.]
[ Xingchen curls into the tight embrace, arms wrapping a little tighter around his lover as well.
He listens to the soft voice when it returns. Then flinches at the new information, pressing his eyes closed. He feels himself tremble noticeably again and presses his lips firmly together to try and still the quiver of emotion.
A-Qing...
Another flinch, when Huaisang tells him Xue Yang is killed. ]
Don't thank me, daozhang. All I've done is hurt you.
[He kisses the top of Xingchen's head, feeling like he should go or let Xingchen go so that he can talk to Xue Yang, but also feeling like he shouldn't leave Xingchen alone while he's this upset. So he just holds him lightly, feeling like an impostor and waiting to be pushed away.]
[Huaisang's quiet for a moment, regrets starting to think in. He prefers to think over his confessions and revelations, so that he can make sure he's checked all the aspects of it in advance.
He makes himself cold in order to handle these things, but when he softens again, he starts to think about emotions and consequences.
The horror sinks in of how blithely he drew attention to the fact that Xingchen had taken his own life precisely because he could not cope with the pain of what Xue Yang had done. He wonders if he's killed Xingchen anew with this.]
A-Chen. [He curls closer, arms tightening around Xingchen as he lets go of his hard shell and all his empathy and insecurities crash down on him.] A-Chen, I'm so sorry. Daozhang, don't--don't, it's not worth it. Just forget all of it. If our memories were altered so we can cope, then let it be. Let it lie. Forget the truth.
[ He'd been alone before. But he's still fragile. Brittle. He just hadn't realized it until tonight, though the night before, with Xue Yang, had hinted at it.
Xingchen draws in a shuddering breath when he feels and hears his lover soften and try to fix him back up. Doubt washes over him.
What is real?
What is right?
What right does he have to seek happiness? Selfish idiot.
He keeps his eyes closed but lifts his head enough to press a kiss to Huaisang's shoulder. ]
I know. [Huaisang nuzzles at him and kisses Xingchen's hair again.] It would be okay even if you were. I'm sorry I hurt you. I'm sorry I told you all that.
[Foolish Huaisang. Foolish to trust, to let anyone see the manipulator beneath the mask, to think that anyone in the world could cope with the truth of their own lives. He knows he can't.
Suddenly this place, in all its stark, vicious hypocrisy, seems more right than anything Huaisang has known before. He is a liar, a manipulator, composed of deceit that he turns against himself as much as anyone unfortunate enough to be involved with him.
He wants to beg Xingchen not to take his life again, but such a plea just seems even more cruel. If Xingchen can't bear it, Huaisang isn't selfish enough to demand that he endure just to make Huaisang's life easier.
All he knows how to do is to regress into the safety of ignorance.] It's just rumor, Xingchen. It's probably not even true. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
[ His breath shudders out as he tries to hold on. He doesn't know why he tries. Why he bothers. He's just a selfish idiot who is still far too ignorant and trusting.
Xingchen can't bring himself to remove his lover from his lap though. Selfish and needy, greedy for comfort and affection.
Affection starved.
Longing for his other half...who he has betrayed in so many ways he feels himself start to shatter apart again.
A rumor. A dagger to a heart that already has gaping cracks in it. ]
I can't...forget what you have said...what it could mean...I can't.
[Huaisang just holds him tight, pressing his cheek against Xingchen's hair. He doesn't know what else to do. He doesn't know how badly he's messed this all up. Huaisang was weak, and he let Xingchen's question get under his skin. He'd been too honest, and he should know better. The only safety was in foolishness.
That was the only way anyone would ever love him, after all. Huaisang, the sweet fool.
He keeps quiet, trying at least not to make the situation any worse.]
I don't know, Daozhang. I don't know. [Huaisang presses his face into Xingchen's hair, scared of losing him, guilty about hurting him, terrified that his own carelessness will mean Xingchen's death--or Xue Yang's. He'd been on edge since he met Xue Yang, even though his feelings for Xue Yang had deepened so much, and yet there'd always been the question of whether this was really something that could work.
He'd managed to resist asking, before this, how it was that Xingchen could love Xue Yang.
[ Something in him goes still at the withdrawal. The tremors fade and he doesn't respond to the feel of Huaisang's tighter hold.
Doesn't matter.
Xingchen braces himself before pressing one more kiss to his lover's shoulder, then gently lifts him from his lap, setting him aside. ]
I do not know either.
[ He sounds tired, and knows it, as he stands. He keeps his eyes closed as he reaches into his sleeve to pull out his blindfold, setting it back in place around his head. ]
[Huaisang doesn't try to hold him. He'd been braced for this since he first set down his hot chocolate--now cold and congealed. He stays where he's put and keeps his mouth shut.
He doesn't know if this is a rejection. He doesn't know if he'll ever see Xingchen again. Either of them, depending on how their confrontation goes.
He knows he doesn't have any right to stop him.
Retreating to his bedroom, he curls up under the covers and weeps.]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
But that desire to put his own fate so firmly into Huaisang's hands is something that Huaisang doesn't quite know how to respond to, and it brings out a sharply calculating edge in Huaisang. It's not often that people ask to be manipulated.
What does he think Xingchen should know? He could choose to protect Xingchen's happiness and innocence. Or he could tell him what Huaisang would want to know in his position.]
Xue Yang did fairly little to me, as far as I know. He was Jin Guangyao's tool and weapon, but I do not know if Jin Guangyao involved him in my brother's murder, or to what extent. The Chang Clan was allied to the Nie Sect, but no more than that. I didn't mourn them. His crimes are easier for me to overlook because they horrify me in a distant, theoretical way.
[Still not looking at Xingchen even as he allows himself to be watched, Huaisang sets down the hot chocolate mostly untouched.]
I saw the dead in the Chang Clan courtyard. I still have nightmare about the expressions on their faces.
How could anyone ever trust a person who could torture someone to death? How could you ever love them?
[Huaisang laughs once, quietly. It's an empty, cold sound, without humor.]
As if Qinghe doesn't have a dungeon.
I'm not sure if the Lan Sect tortures their captives and enemies. All the others do, though, or did, at various points within my lifetime.
So what's the difference between Xue Yang torturing someone for a personal grudge or a respected clan leader torturing a political enemy? Only that the clan leader is protected by status and wealth.
Here's my point, Xingchen.
[Huaisang opens his qiankun pouch and draws out his fan, toying with it.]
If Xue Yang had done the things to me and my loved ones that he did to you and yours, I would never forgive him.
So, why don't you answer again, Daozhang. Would you still want to know the truth if it meant you could no longer love him?
no subject
How. Xingchen focuses on keeping his breathing steady, though his lover can probably feel how fast his heart is beating. Feel the very slight tremor as he forces himself to think, rather than just feel.
Some of it makes little sense, despite all his experience, all he's learned since leaving his master's side.
He shakes his head, sharply. ]
You are telling me...that there is something more he has done to me and mine that I do not know? Something even worse?
no subject
[Huaisang is a little surprised that he's still being held after that, but he's also not surprised that Xingchen wants something to hold on to. Even if Huaisang has made clear that he's willing to hurt him, if what Xingchen wants is the truth.]
That was your original question. We don't know whether or not your memory was altered. Whether you know everything he did. It seems like you should. [Huaisang taps the scar on Xingchen's throat.]
I don't know the entirety of your story. I only know pieces and hearsay.
But, Daozhang, I genuinely do not understand how you can bear that scar and still be capable of loving him.
no subject
If there's more, Huaisang doesn't know, or isn't aware he doesn't know.
This time he doesn't flinch when his scar is tapped. He sighs and tips his head down to rest his forehead against Huaisang's shoulder. ]
...I will talk to him. Ask him...compare what I remember. I would rather know the truth than be lied to again.
As for how I can love him...? I tried not to. I didn't think I could. I cannot explain why I do.
no subject
Huaisang knows that he is no longer a creature who deserves to be loved. He's hardened himself into a tool for vengeance, and now that his vengeance has been completed, he lives only for the responsibility of his sect and his own pleasure. Xingchen only loves the sweet, gentle side of him, and Huaisang doubts if he can love the glimpses he's seen of Huaisang's true nature.
He wonders how either of them can love Xue Yang, knowing what they do.
Love, he thinks, is just a desperate self-delusion.
And then he forgets that, because he's a romantic, and he clings to his sweet self-delusions.]
Xingchen. [Softly, because he doesn't want to hurt him farther and Xingchen has already decided on his course of action.] I know that there was a young girl who was involved in the things that happened with you in Yi City.
I heard one of the accounts given by the juniors who were in the city when Xue Yang was killed there. Her eyes and tongue had been cut out.
[He can only assume that Xue Yang had done it, and from what he knows of the story, it must have happened after Xingchen's death. If Xingchen is seeking a full account, he ought to know to ask for that piece.]
no subject
He listens to the soft voice when it returns. Then flinches at the new information, pressing his eyes closed. He feels himself tremble noticeably again and presses his lips firmly together to try and still the quiver of emotion.
A-Qing...
Another flinch, when Huaisang tells him Xue Yang is killed. ]
...Thank you.
no subject
[He kisses the top of Xingchen's head, feeling like he should go or let Xingchen go so that he can talk to Xue Yang, but also feeling like he shouldn't leave Xingchen alone while he's this upset. So he just holds him lightly, feeling like an impostor and waiting to be pushed away.]
no subject
I'm thanking you because you are telling me the truth you know. It...is a pain I must accept.
[ He just doesn't know if he has the strength to bear it, once he hears the rest from Xue Yang. ]
no subject
He makes himself cold in order to handle these things, but when he softens again, he starts to think about emotions and consequences.
The horror sinks in of how blithely he drew attention to the fact that Xingchen had taken his own life precisely because he could not cope with the pain of what Xue Yang had done. He wonders if he's killed Xingchen anew with this.]
A-Chen. [He curls closer, arms tightening around Xingchen as he lets go of his hard shell and all his empathy and insecurities crash down on him.] A-Chen, I'm so sorry. Daozhang, don't--don't, it's not worth it. Just forget all of it. If our memories were altered so we can cope, then let it be. Let it lie. Forget the truth.
no subject
Xingchen draws in a shuddering breath when he feels and hears his lover soften and try to fix him back up. Doubt washes over him.
What is real?
What is right?
What right does he have to seek happiness? Selfish idiot.
He keeps his eyes closed but lifts his head enough to press a kiss to Huaisang's shoulder. ]
I am not upset with you, A-Sang.
no subject
[Foolish Huaisang. Foolish to trust, to let anyone see the manipulator beneath the mask, to think that anyone in the world could cope with the truth of their own lives. He knows he can't.
Suddenly this place, in all its stark, vicious hypocrisy, seems more right than anything Huaisang has known before. He is a liar, a manipulator, composed of deceit that he turns against himself as much as anyone unfortunate enough to be involved with him.
He wants to beg Xingchen not to take his life again, but such a plea just seems even more cruel. If Xingchen can't bear it, Huaisang isn't selfish enough to demand that he endure just to make Huaisang's life easier.
All he knows how to do is to regress into the safety of ignorance.] It's just rumor, Xingchen. It's probably not even true. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
no subject
Xingchen can't bring himself to remove his lover from his lap though. Selfish and needy, greedy for comfort and affection.
Affection starved.
Longing for his other half...who he has betrayed in so many ways he feels himself start to shatter apart again.
A rumor. A dagger to a heart that already has gaping cracks in it. ]
I can't...forget what you have said...what it could mean...I can't.
no subject
That was the only way anyone would ever love him, after all. Huaisang, the sweet fool.
He keeps quiet, trying at least not to make the situation any worse.]
no subject
Xingchen's fingers flex where they rest at Huaisang's waist. Loose, tight. Clinging. Trying to will himself to let go.
Conflicted. Even in just whether he will stay curled up with his lover. ]
Huaisang...You see...a lot more than I ever could...
There is so much I do not understand...
I do not even know what to ask.
no subject
He'd managed to resist asking, before this, how it was that Xingchen could love Xue Yang.
He should have let it go. He should have lied.]
no subject
Doesn't matter.
Xingchen braces himself before pressing one more kiss to his lover's shoulder, then gently lifts him from his lap, setting him aside. ]
I do not know either.
[ He sounds tired, and knows it, as he stands. He keeps his eyes closed as he reaches into his sleeve to pull out his blindfold, setting it back in place around his head. ]
Good night, Huaisang.
[ He heads for the door to leave for the night. ]
no subject
He doesn't know if this is a rejection. He doesn't know if he'll ever see Xingchen again. Either of them, depending on how their confrontation goes.
He knows he doesn't have any right to stop him.
Retreating to his bedroom, he curls up under the covers and weeps.]