[Huaisang gives a tiny shrug, still staring at his hands as they fidget with the cloth over his lap.] I don't know.
I'm sad, I'm grieving, but I'm also ... I don't know. Not as sad as I should be, and I feel guilty about that. Kind of numb. Kind of in denial, maybe.
Relieved. Kind of.
[Which he feels guiltiest about.]
We weren't as close as we once were, which was fine. These things go up and down in marriages, I know that. We'd had a history of quarreling, now and then, and they tended to be fairly intense quarrels. And sometimes I'd feel like everything I did irritated him, or that there was something he wanted from me but everything I did was wrong and no matter what he said to try to explain it to me I just didn't get it.
The past months, things were just ... quiet. We were kind of avoiding each other, or maybe we just weren't seeking each other's company and then maybe he took that as me not wanting his company which was kind of true, I didn't want him to not be around but I also just didn't want him around.
[Huaisang pulls his knees up to his chest and hugs his arms around them.]
I understand. You cannot help or change the way you feel, so there is no use in feeling guilty for it. Marriage is difficult, and you two are quite different.
[Even from meeting Javert once, he can see how the two men might clash in any number of ways.]
But you stayed devoted to him despite hardship, and that is what matters.
[Devotion: something Hubert values and respects very highly. He realizes at once that this is one of the things he values most about his relationship with Ferdinand. Despite differences and quarrels, he is unwaveringly there for him.]
[Did he? Huaisang takes a moment to question it inside himself, decides that yes, until the moment that Javert disappeared, Huaisang worried about his comfort and preferences, worried about upsetting him, worried about ways to try and make him happier, prioritized him above all others. Even as excited as he was about Hannibal, Huaisang had just moved him into the guest house and asked nothing of Javert, arranging that the two submissives could either establish their own understanding, or they could avoid each other, but Javert's responsibility and authority remained unchanged--at least in Huaisang's mind.] Yes. You're right.
I did my best, I think, to stay devoted to him despite hardship. My guilt is all that my feelings weren't different and that I couldn't make him happier, but I don't actually believe that there's anything I could have done better.
[He blinks a few times and swallows hard, trying to keep back a swell of emotions that threatens to spill into tears.]
I am certain you did your best. Beyond that, it was not in your control. There is nothing to blame yourself for. People simply can grow apart.
[He can see his friend is perhaps about to cry. He pulls Huaisang into his chest and wraps him up with both arms securely. With how much Huaisang seems to worry about making others happy and not upsetting them, he is sure the man worked hard on his relationship with Javert, despite not knowing much about it. Sometimes, things just don't work out, even when two people work very hard at it.]
[Huaisang leans into the embrace, tucking his head on Hubert's shoulder.] Yes. My needs changed.
It was always an ... issue ... that we were both ... we both preferred to take a receiving role, in penetrative sex. He was strictly submissive by nature whereas I can go both ways. I enjoy command, but ... if I only command, I grow tired of it. If I only obey and yield ... I have yet to grow tired of it. And it is more complex a matter than that, on my side. I have plenty of lovers who can yield or command but I choose to command them because I prefer things that way with whichever person in particular.
But at the time, I had ... I had endured a difficult few months. And what I needed most was someone to prioritize me, to choose me above all others. Javert gave me that. He needed most to have someone to devote himself to. He gave me the security and stability I needed, and I was able to develop significantly as a person because of that support.
Over the past ... six months to a year, my needs have ... shifted. And we've grown farther apart.
I feel as though I ought to remain devoted to him even though he's gone, that that's what a good husband would do, that I would mourn more heavily and preserve his memory more fiercely. Instead I feel the desire simply to tuck it all away in a drawer, quiet and safe, and not think of it.
[He keeps idly rubbing Huaisang's shoulders as he speaks. Mostly, he just listens, until the end where he thinks a bit before speaking.]
Hm... I do not think you need to suffer or perform your suffering to prove your devotion.
[He takes a breath, sighing out slowly, deciding to share a relevant detail of his own life.]
I was extremely devoted to one person before coming here. My Emperor. I was her vassal. My whole life was in service to her. My whole purpose, my reason to exist, was her. Her goals were mine. I loved her and would kill and die for her without hesitation. I did kill many for her. But then I came here... And here she is not.
It was difficult to go on, but I cannot stop living and resign myself to misery to prove my devotion to her. I will always belong to her. I will always be devoted... But right now, there is no way to show that. There is no sane way to act here that is in accordance with my devotion to her. The best thing to do is... Try to grow here, become a better version of myself, so that I might serve her well in the future, if and when we meet again.
[Huaisang listens appreciatively to this, reassured by Hubert's perspective on things. He lifts his head at the end, giving Hubert a shy smile.] That's a lovely way to think of things. And I'm proud of you, doing your best to grow and become a better version of yourself.
[He tucks his head again, nestling his cheek against Hubert's shoulder and enjoying being held.] What's your next question?
[There are still some things he wants to talk about, but he's not sure where to go next or what he should just set aside and not worry about. It's easier to push it back on Hubert and ask what's still weighing on his mind.]
He does. I've made clear what I want, which is essentially that I want to feel spoiled and doted upon, desired. He's done very well at giving me that, so far. In turn, I give him a generous stipend, and plenty of access to luxury.
[He has to mull over Hubert's question, fingertip drifting idle figure-eights over Hubert's chest.] Vet him ... in what way? I make my own decisions, and he values his privacy and discretion.
[He almost backs off completely, then decides not to.]
You do not know him. I will be watching him closely, at least what is publicly available. I also would like to talk to him further. But I will hold off on doing anything else without your consent.
[There was a time when Hubert would dig up dirt regardless of anyone's consent... But he's trying to be better.]
Mm, definitely talk to him further. Get to know him. I like it when my people are close to each other.
[Huaisang straightens up, resting his hands on Hubert's chest. He considers for a moment, head tipped to one side as he decides on his phrasing.] Listen. He's important to me. You're important to me. I want my people protected. But I also ...
Living here gives me the luxury to be my most frivolous self. To care only about fashion design and sex. No war, no politics, no nobility or inheritance.
So it does not matter what I am capable of or what I have done in the past. I don't want to know what you or he is capable of, under this or other circumstances. We're here, where we can simply be frivolous. He pleases me, he's sweet to me, and he will be loyal to my interests, because I provide him with luxury and freedom. I manage my own accounts.
[Huaisang's sharpened now, his emotions of a few minutes ago shuttered away, leaving only cool, steely determination.]
Do you understand me? Get to know him as an ally, so that you can both be better able to protect me. If you see any indication that his he might intend to betray me, bring it to me. Beyond those two things--my protection and my betrayal--do not hound him, and let him keep his secrets, whatever they may be.
[He studies Hubert's face, wanting to make sure that this is understood. He hasn't often had to bring out this side of him in his time here, and very few people have seen it, but Huaisang's plenty willing to let Hubert see it. Beneath Huaisang's frivolous facade, he's always been capable of being the most dangerous political player on the board. There are simply very, very few things that could motivate him to do so.]
[Hubert's eyes narrow. He does not appreciate that tone, nor agree with some of the things Huaisang says.]
What gave you the impression that my actions would be motivated by anything but your protection and betrayal?
Not all can afford to be frivolous, least of all me. There are plenty of threats here in Duplicity, and I take my role to protect those I love very seriously.
I absolutely know that your motivations are to protect me. Without a doubt.
[Huaisang frowns worriedly, not certain that Hubert has understood his point. He thinks that the impression that Hubert got is that Huaisang's frivolous and bossy, and that annoys him a tiny bit. He'd trusted Hubert enough that he'd wanted Hubert to see more of him than that.
It's nice to be included in those Hubert loves, but the sweetness of that is undercut by the feeling that Hubert only sees a part of him, and thus only loves a part of him.]
But I've promised him that I won't pry into his secrets. I don't want him to take you 'vetting' him in the interests of protecting me as a violation of that.
I want myself protected, but I also want you, and him, your secrets and his secrets protected.
That is fine, but you could have simply said that to start. I only take orders from my Emperor. Aside from that, I do not appreciate being told what to do.
[His tone is sharp. He understands the boundary drawn, but isn't fond of the way it's been done.]
[Huaisang pulls away, sitting back.] You asked me for my permission. I was trying to provide the conditions on my permission and provide context.
[Stung, he rises to his feet, smoothing down his outfit.] I was including in that some context on myself and my perspective. It wasn't meant to be any kind of orders other than boundaries on my permission.
If putting boundaries on my permission is giving you orders, then my permission to 'vet' him is rescinded.
Alright, Huaisang. I will do whatever you want of me, I simply do not enjoy being spoken to in this way. If objecting to that isn't acceptable, I am not sure what else to say.
[Huaisang wants desperately for Hubert to see what he was trying to reveal about himself, but he can understand how their previous failed communication primed Hubert to interpret his tone poorly. He feels defensive and embarrassed, and it's easier to just storm out, but he doesn't want to be so petty about a misunderstanding. His eyes sting with the threat of tears and he just stands there for a moment, frozen between anger, frustration, and hurt.]
I'm sorry. I wasn't trying to order you. I wanted you to see that there's a side of me that's calculating, so you could take that into consideration if you were going forth in my protection 'vetting' people for me.
So I'll just be sweet in the future. I feel like our previous misunderstanding colored how you interpreted me today, and I feel guilty for that. That was my fault. So I'll just ... I don't know. Feel free to be sweet and frivolous around you and not feel free to show you any other aspect of myself.
[He's hurt that Huaisang no longer wants to show him other sides of himself. That wasn't what he meant by it. He deflates visibly, hunching over himself on the couch a bit.]
I do not want you to hide parts of yourself... I simply bristle when things sound like commands in my ears. I think the fact that you are calculating is good, and I did not know that before. I am on your side. We can calculate together. I just don't want to be treated with that coldness. You were hard and cold to me today, and on that other day. That is the part that hurts me... Being treated like a subordinate by someone I see as my equal, my ally.
[Hubert thinks he and Huaisang are similar in some key ways, but maybe that is also where they clash. Their coldness, their sternness.]
[Huaisang softens when Hubert's anger shifts into sorrow, and the edges come off of his own anger. He sits again, but he stays at the far edge of the couch, more skittish now as he tries to be honest and vulnerable rather than honest and cutting.]
My calculating side is cold. I was ... very isolated and very terrified when I developed that side of myself. I had to just learn to be hard and then keep it hidden away.
[He presses his fingers to the bridge of his nose.] And it occurs to me now that I've only ever been obeyed by those who have seen that side of me. Back home, the only people who knew I was anything other than a harmless idiot were my most trusted aides and servants. They brought me intel, but I made all the decisions, and they obeyed me.
[He drops his hands into his lap and sighs.] I've only recently come to terms with the fact that I was always calculating, and I was always frivolous and harmless. Both are true, and I've only recently stopped seeing the two sides of my nature as in conflict.
[Hubert nods, looking down, unsure really what to say. It makes sense that he's used to treating his trusted people this way, and Hubert is a trusted person, so surely he should be able to handle it? But he isn't Huaisang's servant or aide. Maybe in a sexual sense, he enjoys being that, but not outside of that. His position serving Edelgard is the most important position he's held and it always will be, and to him it's degrading when others think they can just step into a role of being in charge of him without earning it the way she did. If he is going to serve someone, it has to be completely his choice to do so, as it eventually was completely his choosing to serve her. He cannot, will not be forced into it.
He knows saying any of this will likely be hurtful or prompt further argument, and besides, he's made his point already, so he keeps his response simple.]
I'm sorry I was cold, and I'm sorry I treated you as a subordinate.
[Huaisang sighs, feeling sad and tired, but he at least relaxes somewhat into the couch, no longer quite as skittish and ready to bolt.]
I appreciate the impulse to protect me. I like it very much. But I have Hannibal well in hand. Not because I trust him, no more than I trust anyone, but because I understand what's important to him--luxury, art, privacy--and I can provide those things better than anyone else can.
[Propping his arm on the back of the couch and his head on his fist, Huaisang meets Hubert's eyes.] And if I have misjudged and he does betray me in any matter more significant than a bit of pride and hurt feelings ... then he will regret it for a hundred years. [The flicker of smug sadism that curls Huaisang's lips for a moment belongs more on Hubert's face than Huaisang's. It disappears as quickly as it came, shuttered into a blank facade.]
[It's said firmly, with a slight edge of anger and vengefulness, but then a small smirk twists into his dour features. He meets Huaisang's eyes. Oh, how the two of them could create hell, once they work out how not to be at each other's throats.]
[Emotionally drained after everything, Huaisang shifts over to rest his head in Hubert's lap.] Now you have me even more honest. What else do you wish to ask of me?
[From the way the statement trails off, Huaisang thinks that a question will follow after a pause, but it doesn't, so he sits up to study Hubert's face.] Do you forgive me?
[The fingers in his hair made him think that Hubert did, but he isn't sure what's unsaid behind Hubert's hesitation.]
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I'm sad, I'm grieving, but I'm also ... I don't know. Not as sad as I should be, and I feel guilty about that. Kind of numb. Kind of in denial, maybe.
Relieved. Kind of.
[Which he feels guiltiest about.]
We weren't as close as we once were, which was fine. These things go up and down in marriages, I know that. We'd had a history of quarreling, now and then, and they tended to be fairly intense quarrels. And sometimes I'd feel like everything I did irritated him, or that there was something he wanted from me but everything I did was wrong and no matter what he said to try to explain it to me I just didn't get it.
The past months, things were just ... quiet. We were kind of avoiding each other, or maybe we just weren't seeking each other's company and then maybe he took that as me not wanting his company which was kind of true, I didn't want him to not be around but I also just didn't want him around.
[Huaisang pulls his knees up to his chest and hugs his arms around them.]
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I understand. You cannot help or change the way you feel, so there is no use in feeling guilty for it. Marriage is difficult, and you two are quite different.
[Even from meeting Javert once, he can see how the two men might clash in any number of ways.]
But you stayed devoted to him despite hardship, and that is what matters.
[Devotion: something Hubert values and respects very highly. He realizes at once that this is one of the things he values most about his relationship with Ferdinand. Despite differences and quarrels, he is unwaveringly there for him.]
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I did my best, I think, to stay devoted to him despite hardship. My guilt is all that my feelings weren't different and that I couldn't make him happier, but I don't actually believe that there's anything I could have done better.
[He blinks a few times and swallows hard, trying to keep back a swell of emotions that threatens to spill into tears.]
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[He can see his friend is perhaps about to cry. He pulls Huaisang into his chest and wraps him up with both arms securely. With how much Huaisang seems to worry about making others happy and not upsetting them, he is sure the man worked hard on his relationship with Javert, despite not knowing much about it. Sometimes, things just don't work out, even when two people work very hard at it.]
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It was always an ... issue ... that we were both ... we both preferred to take a receiving role, in penetrative sex. He was strictly submissive by nature whereas I can go both ways. I enjoy command, but ... if I only command, I grow tired of it. If I only obey and yield ... I have yet to grow tired of it. And it is more complex a matter than that, on my side. I have plenty of lovers who can yield or command but I choose to command them because I prefer things that way with whichever person in particular.
But at the time, I had ... I had endured a difficult few months. And what I needed most was someone to prioritize me, to choose me above all others. Javert gave me that. He needed most to have someone to devote himself to. He gave me the security and stability I needed, and I was able to develop significantly as a person because of that support.
Over the past ... six months to a year, my needs have ... shifted. And we've grown farther apart.
I feel as though I ought to remain devoted to him even though he's gone, that that's what a good husband would do, that I would mourn more heavily and preserve his memory more fiercely. Instead I feel the desire simply to tuck it all away in a drawer, quiet and safe, and not think of it.
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Hm... I do not think you need to suffer or perform your suffering to prove your devotion.
[He takes a breath, sighing out slowly, deciding to share a relevant detail of his own life.]
I was extremely devoted to one person before coming here. My Emperor. I was her vassal. My whole life was in service to her. My whole purpose, my reason to exist, was her. Her goals were mine. I loved her and would kill and die for her without hesitation. I did kill many for her. But then I came here... And here she is not.
It was difficult to go on, but I cannot stop living and resign myself to misery to prove my devotion to her. I will always belong to her. I will always be devoted... But right now, there is no way to show that. There is no sane way to act here that is in accordance with my devotion to her. The best thing to do is... Try to grow here, become a better version of myself, so that I might serve her well in the future, if and when we meet again.
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[He tucks his head again, nestling his cheek against Hubert's shoulder and enjoying being held.] What's your next question?
[There are still some things he wants to talk about, but he's not sure where to go next or what he should just set aside and not worry about. It's easier to push it back on Hubert and ask what's still weighing on his mind.]
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[He says it softly, then hums as he thinks a moment.]
Next question... This Hannibal, he treats you well? Might I have your permission to vet him?
["Vetting" him involves... A lot of things, potentially, and based on Huaisang's answer, he will try to decide what is appropriate.]
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[He has to mull over Hubert's question, fingertip drifting idle figure-eights over Hubert's chest.] Vet him ... in what way? I make my own decisions, and he values his privacy and discretion.
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[He almost backs off completely, then decides not to.]
You do not know him. I will be watching him closely, at least what is publicly available. I also would like to talk to him further. But I will hold off on doing anything else without your consent.
[There was a time when Hubert would dig up dirt regardless of anyone's consent... But he's trying to be better.]
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[Huaisang straightens up, resting his hands on Hubert's chest. He considers for a moment, head tipped to one side as he decides on his phrasing.] Listen. He's important to me. You're important to me. I want my people protected. But I also ...
Living here gives me the luxury to be my most frivolous self. To care only about fashion design and sex. No war, no politics, no nobility or inheritance.
So it does not matter what I am capable of or what I have done in the past. I don't want to know what you or he is capable of, under this or other circumstances. We're here, where we can simply be frivolous. He pleases me, he's sweet to me, and he will be loyal to my interests, because I provide him with luxury and freedom. I manage my own accounts.
[Huaisang's sharpened now, his emotions of a few minutes ago shuttered away, leaving only cool, steely determination.]
Do you understand me? Get to know him as an ally, so that you can both be better able to protect me. If you see any indication that his he might intend to betray me, bring it to me. Beyond those two things--my protection and my betrayal--do not hound him, and let him keep his secrets, whatever they may be.
[He studies Hubert's face, wanting to make sure that this is understood. He hasn't often had to bring out this side of him in his time here, and very few people have seen it, but Huaisang's plenty willing to let Hubert see it. Beneath Huaisang's frivolous facade, he's always been capable of being the most dangerous political player on the board. There are simply very, very few things that could motivate him to do so.]
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What gave you the impression that my actions would be motivated by anything but your protection and betrayal?
Not all can afford to be frivolous, least of all me. There are plenty of threats here in Duplicity, and I take my role to protect those I love very seriously.
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[Huaisang frowns worriedly, not certain that Hubert has understood his point. He thinks that the impression that Hubert got is that Huaisang's frivolous and bossy, and that annoys him a tiny bit. He'd trusted Hubert enough that he'd wanted Hubert to see more of him than that.
It's nice to be included in those Hubert loves, but the sweetness of that is undercut by the feeling that Hubert only sees a part of him, and thus only loves a part of him.]
But I've promised him that I won't pry into his secrets. I don't want him to take you 'vetting' him in the interests of protecting me as a violation of that.
I want myself protected, but I also want you, and him, your secrets and his secrets protected.
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[His tone is sharp. He understands the boundary drawn, but isn't fond of the way it's been done.]
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[Stung, he rises to his feet, smoothing down his outfit.] I was including in that some context on myself and my perspective. It wasn't meant to be any kind of orders other than boundaries on my permission.
If putting boundaries on my permission is giving you orders, then my permission to 'vet' him is rescinded.
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Alright, Huaisang. I will do whatever you want of me, I simply do not enjoy being spoken to in this way. If objecting to that isn't acceptable, I am not sure what else to say.
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I'm sorry. I wasn't trying to order you. I wanted you to see that there's a side of me that's calculating, so you could take that into consideration if you were going forth in my protection 'vetting' people for me.
So I'll just be sweet in the future. I feel like our previous misunderstanding colored how you interpreted me today, and I feel guilty for that. That was my fault. So I'll just ... I don't know. Feel free to be sweet and frivolous around you and not feel free to show you any other aspect of myself.
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I do not want you to hide parts of yourself... I simply bristle when things sound like commands in my ears. I think the fact that you are calculating is good, and I did not know that before. I am on your side. We can calculate together. I just don't want to be treated with that coldness. You were hard and cold to me today, and on that other day. That is the part that hurts me... Being treated like a subordinate by someone I see as my equal, my ally.
[Hubert thinks he and Huaisang are similar in some key ways, but maybe that is also where they clash. Their coldness, their sternness.]
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My calculating side is cold. I was ... very isolated and very terrified when I developed that side of myself. I had to just learn to be hard and then keep it hidden away.
[He presses his fingers to the bridge of his nose.] And it occurs to me now that I've only ever been obeyed by those who have seen that side of me. Back home, the only people who knew I was anything other than a harmless idiot were my most trusted aides and servants. They brought me intel, but I made all the decisions, and they obeyed me.
[He drops his hands into his lap and sighs.] I've only recently come to terms with the fact that I was always calculating, and I was always frivolous and harmless. Both are true, and I've only recently stopped seeing the two sides of my nature as in conflict.
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He knows saying any of this will likely be hurtful or prompt further argument, and besides, he's made his point already, so he keeps his response simple.]
I see.
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[Huaisang sighs, feeling sad and tired, but he at least relaxes somewhat into the couch, no longer quite as skittish and ready to bolt.]
I appreciate the impulse to protect me. I like it very much. But I have Hannibal well in hand. Not because I trust him, no more than I trust anyone, but because I understand what's important to him--luxury, art, privacy--and I can provide those things better than anyone else can.
[Propping his arm on the back of the couch and his head on his fist, Huaisang meets Hubert's eyes.] And if I have misjudged and he does betray me in any matter more significant than a bit of pride and hurt feelings ... then he will regret it for a hundred years. [The flicker of smug sadism that curls Huaisang's lips for a moment belongs more on Hubert's face than Huaisang's. It disappears as quickly as it came, shuttered into a blank facade.]
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[It's said firmly, with a slight edge of anger and vengefulness, but then a small smirk twists into his dour features. He meets Huaisang's eyes. Oh, how the two of them could create hell, once they work out how not to be at each other's throats.]
Thank you. I'm sorry I was sharp as well.
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Oh, I don't know...
[He almost fears another question will just prompt more arguments. He doesn't really wish to pry further, lest he fall into some trap.]
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[The fingers in his hair made him think that Hubert did, but he isn't sure what's unsaid behind Hubert's hesitation.]
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wrap?